I am refreshing this article about the pros and cons of having a baby at 40 or in your 40s. I wrote it as a heartfelt but still light-hearted look at my own experiences. Since it first appeared over 5 years ago many people have added their own comments which are now as extensive as the article itself.
Having a baby at 40 is now not uncommon but many of us still have plenty to say about it. Better get a cuppa as this is a long read…
By the way, if you would rather read about my thoughts and experiences on all the great things about being an older mother, click through to:
A Baby At 40? The 10 Best Reasons To Have A Baby In Your 40s.
But if you are looking for a brutal look at the downsides of being an older parent, read on!
9 Reasons NOT To Have Babies in Your Forties
When I flick open a magazine and read of celebrities having babies at an advanced age, I do wince.
I hope that younger women aren’t getting a message that it’s a good idea to wait before trying to have babies. It’s not.
Recently, I posted an infographic on the facts and figures about age and fertility. That got my old brain whirring and fingers click clacking… I tend to write factual information here and not much opinion…. but….
I do hate to upset people or be controversial really…. BUT….. I have got opinions and experience on this older mother malarkey… here goes….
The human body is still the human body it’s always been. It’s designed to reproduce early.
It works best that way.
And I mean works best in that generally fertility is higher when we’re younger, and babies are healthier.
Let’s keep it that simple
I know I’m the last person who should be writing about the pitfalls of trying to have babies as an older mother, since I am an older mother.
But on the other hand, I may be the best person, because I live the negatives alongside the positives of it of it every day. And like most people who try to conceive later in life, I endured many bitter heartbreaks along the way.
Having a baby at 42 would have been hard enough, but I actually had twins at 42!
That’s why I wince… and also for the many people I know who tried to have children later in life, and who haven’t been fortunate enough to bring a baby home.
We rarely hear of the people who try and fail to have babies in their 40s.
We may know personally some people who try and try and try and try again… and whose hearts are broken… and who try again… and lose a pregnancy and try again… and try and try and try… and who don’t end up with a baby at all at the end of many years of heartbreak.
I certainly do.
But we don’t often read about those folks in the media.
There are probably many more women who do not manage to have children when they start late than there are success stories, don’t you think?
But of course, many people do manage to have babies in their 40s. I’m one of them.
I would like to write here about the downsides of when we do manage to have children late.
Because I’m here to tell you it’s no picnic. There’s a real shortage of both beer and skittles.
Yes, I have also written about the many upsides of being an older parent… actually heaps of my posts do show the fun we have with our young late-born twins.
But today I’d like to explain some of the lesser-talked-about negatives.
And express some feelings of which I can truly say I’m ashamed… but which are present for sure.
Nine Reasons NOT To Have Babies in Your Forties
1. Being pregnant in your 40s is no fun…
I knew that if we had a third child there would be a higher chance of having a baby with ASD as clearly we have the genes in the family. And I did know that having an older mother or father also raises the risk of ASD even higher.
When I realised I was having twins, believe me I was beside myself. I had just doubled the chances of having another child with a disability.
We did amnios with the twins and I can truly say that the procedure itself and the days after were excruciating. I did not want to have to deal with the choices that await a test that’s positive for an abnormality.
Thank god that I didn’t – and that was just sheer bloody luck.
2. By the late 40s… our own parents need more help
I’m just not in a great position to support my mum as I am tied down with the wee ones. This feels terrible, I can tell you. My mum has dementia and I would love to be there for her a lot more than I am able to be.
3. I worry about my own mortality
Now, in my 50s, I have a real sense of my own mortality, a great awareness that my time on the planet may be limited. I don’t mind for myself but I sure do mind because the little ones need me.
4. An older parent is a more tired parent
It’s one thing having babies at 42, it’s quite another having two years olds at 44 and five-year-olds at 47 and now 13-year-olds at 55. I’m a pretty energetic person but honestly, I can’t keep up with them and play as actively than I did with my older boys.
My husband does make a big effort to kick the footy around with Rusty Rocket – but it can feel an effort too.
5. I will be 60 when they leave school
I will be able to draw my pension before the twins have left school! That’s a thought that stops me in my tracks. I thought I’d be retired and lounging around by the time I was 60. There will still be a lot of parenting to do!
6. I am so much older than other parents
The vast majority of the mums at the twins’ school are around 10 years younger, some much more. It’s different… it just is…. There’s a lovely mum who had her daughters in her early 20s and I am genuinely old enough to be her mother. She kindly still treats me like a friend though, and to be honest she has taught me things about being a good parent.
7. I miss my friends
Most of my own friends are leading a very different lifestyle to my hubby and I. Their kids are teens or even older and they have a freedom that, being honest, we crave. I miss spending lots of time with my friends who seem to have forgotten to have kids in their 40s. They definitely do not want to come to playgrounds with us. Some firneds go away on holidays and I cannot join them.
8. Menopause does not mix well with young kids!
It’s hard to deal with kids’ tantrums when you’re perimenopausal. I’d expected it’d be the teens who pressed all my hormonal buttons but they seem to be pretty fine (touch wood) and relish their independence. Not so the twin terrors.
9. The early retirement plans are shelved
We had always hoped to retire pretty young, but that probably will not be possible. Let’s just say we’re not going to be slightly grey nomads…. we’ll be totally grey, if we ever get there at all.
I count my blessings every day. Two twins born at term and healthy with so far just one case of ADHD between them. That’s so lucky.
(When you have a dx of ASD in the family ADHD is not so bad, although trust me I can still weep with frustration and exhaustion after a bad ADHD day.)
When I look back I think we were completely MAD to try to have a third child. I was 40 when we started for godsakes. Somebody should have stopped me! Sometimes I wonder: is it selfish to have a baby at 40 or in yours 40s… and sometimes I think it is.
The full force of the human evolutionary impulse was being channelled through my body. Surely it’s a husband’s job to put his foot down? I blame him!
My husband and I endured two miscarriages and a blighted ovum pregnancy before the twins were born. These experiences were painful, but I think less so for us as we had two boys at home.
I can’t imagine what it would have been like losing babies time and time again if I’d had no child at home to cuddle.
Seeing those tiny motionless foetuses on the screen was devastating: no heartbeat.
I hope my daughter and my sons are never in that position.
I hope they start having their babies earlier than we did.
And also I would like to confess that I have already started indoctrinating my kids about why, in my opinion and in my experience, it’s better to have children earlier than later.
My little daughter, aged a tender seven, is the only one of my four children who asks about babies and says she wants to be a mum.
Have your children young I tell my daughter because:
- You’re MUCH more likely to have no fertility issues and to bring healthy babies into the world. Harsh but true, it’s just true.
- You’ll have more energy.
- You need grandparents around, and dad and I would like to help. But we will be too old to be any help at all unless you get going young.
- You might take the whole thing a lot less seriously when you’re younger and that’ll be good for the kids.
- Having a baby after 40 is different to having one in your 20s and 30s… it just is.
I’m old enough to be my wee twins’ granny easily. I’m sure I’ll be a much better granny to their kids than I am a mum to them.
One day my little girl said to me:
‘Mum, when I’m the mum and you’re the granny, I’m not going to be a mean mother like you are.’
Let’s hope that’s the way it works out, darling!
Please my sons and little daughter, don’t wait to have children.
The human body is still in many ways just the way it has been for millennia. It’s made to have children younger not older. It works best that way.
A woman’s age is the biggest predictor of her fertility. It will be when you are all adults too. Men’s fertility lasts longer but the quality of their sprem reduces a lot. It’s better for men to have their children younger too.
A healthy baby, born safe and well and without disability is so much more likely if you start early not late.
The chance of your heart being smashed into a billion pieces again and again is much less likely if you get started younger.
Plus I want to be an active granny. You can be the mums and dads for a change, and be as mean as you like!
For the facts and figures on age and fertility in Australia, see this post.
There’s a new government-funded website all about these issues: https://yourfertility.org.au/
Readers, I hope that you are able to see that some of the complaining I do in this article was written in a tongue-in-check style. I love my children very much and have written about all the great things about being an older mum here.
Do you talk to your children about the right age to have babies?
If you’re an older parent, do you admit to the downsides?
Was your heart broken too?
And what are the great things about being an older parent – let’s share those too.
A terrific, honest post Seana. I had my boys in my thirties and, to be honest, could not imagine starting in my forties. The very thought exhausts me.
It exhausts you with very good reason! Thanks for popping over Allison, I don’t often write very personal posts and was a bit nervous about it… but keen to do more as am becoming opinionated grumpy old woman #late40scrisis
Thanks Seana, I really appreciate your post. I am 42 with a 9 and 4 year old. Our older child has ADHD and severe behavioural difficulties – he takes a lot of energy and patience to parent, and some days are really hard. Despit this I feel a yearning to have another child which seems to be getting stronger as I can sense the window is closing. My husband is alarmed as hell! This helped to give me perspective. It really is genetic Russian Roulette over 40 isnt it? Especially with ADHD genes already in the mix. I will try to be grateful for what I have and hope this yearning dissipates.
Hello, I think that it’s really common to yearn for one more child as that window does close. And maybe just sitting with that and grieving the end of fertility is worth spedning time doing. It’s nature’s way of ensuring the survival of our species!! I still remember with horror though the discussing with doctors about testing for my babes, the chances of problems were high, and with twins, twice the chance. Awful times. One of my twins has ADHD too and I am worn out!! Mine just turned 13 yesterday and I am 55 and feeling a bit weary… actually totally exhausted.
I am 43 years old and never had children. I was ok with that until now. Now, I cry at the thought of being a mommy. I feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life by not having any. Should I try now??? 9mm
I’m going to be 36 and my husband is going to be 52 and our windows are closing well mine is his probably really should be. We have an almost 4 year old this year and I want another, but now reading all these articles I’m now torn on the thought and it makes me feel sad and I cry a lot because we want another, but don’t really know if we should. I mean I’m almost out of time and he’s 52 so that’s why I’m torn.
Hello, 36 is still pretty young for you and men’s fertility lasts much longer. I am sure you have not run out of time at all. Your husband would be an older dad, but you wouldn’t be an older mum. How does he feel about it?
Don’t let this article sway you. It’s one person’s opinion. I’m about to have my fourth child at 40 and I don’t feel like this at all. Everyone is different. Follow your heart!
You should go for it. You’re young!
Hi there – do what makes you happy I personally think it comes down to the nature of the person you are as to how well you deal with motherhood.
:):) if your lucky enough to be an older mummy then embrace it! X
Replying here to Seana’s comment that: “men’s fertility lasts much longer.”
Male fertility also declines with age and the probability of birth defects due to low quality **sperm** increases. Not all men are virile into old age and many become infertile.
I bring this up because the author wishes to pressure and guilt women out of having children in their 40s under the idea that they will be subpar parents compared to younger women. Meanwhile, the author gives older men a free pass. This is misogynistic.
If a 40 year old woman is too decrepit to have a child, by the same analysis a 52 year old man also must be.
I point this out to emphasize the hypocrisy and lack of logic in the author’s post.
It’s sad to see a woman tearing other women down and engaging in this type of overt sexism.
Do it !!! I believe miscarried babies are still yours. You will have them someday to raise. Pray to God for help in your decision. I feel that he wants to tell you and he wants to send children to those who want them. I have 5 precious children with a 5 year gap and my 2 year old is the best blessing to our whole family. I’m 40 now. I’ve had 3 miscarriages and 1 stillborn and I have complete faith I’ll have them again someday because of the goodness of a loving Heavenly Father and older brother Jesus Christ.
Go for it!
I don’t know your personal situation but I had my boys at 34 and 36. They are happy and healthy. My husband is 10 years older than me. If you want a second, I’d say go for it pending that your husband is on board. I’m now 38 and thinking of having our third and last but NOW I feel the clock ticking. Not at 36! Best of luck to you and your family <3
I had another baby at 37yrs I am now 38yrs. I don’t regret having another one, he is the most beautiful soul and completes me. I wanted a sibling for my 5 yr old.
Yes it’s true you get more tired as your older. I really feel that it’s nice for your child to have a sibling.
I lost my mum last Christmas and I tell you if I didn’t have my sister around it would of been really hard. I lost my dad when I was 9 so I honestly have no family around. I think we don’t think about these things until it happens.
At the end of the day do what your heart tells you.
I totally agree that you do what your heart tells you, so if your heart telsl you to try for another baby then it is time to try. I met a woman yesterday who had her first baby at 43 using IVF,she told me her truly wonderful and heartwarming story about her and her husband who met later in life.
Adopt
I’m a fifty year old father and have three children under 3. I mostly agreed to have them to make my 32 year old girlfriend happy. Now between work and being a father I have become extremely exhausted. I spend all of my time with the kids changing diapers and playing with them and making sure they don’t hurt themselves or each other. My 32 year old girlfriend does wake up at night for the kids. I honestly don’t have the energy and get grumpy when I am tired to the point that my girlfriend tells me that I need to do something to change. Today after the holiday weekend and my girlfriend deciding to take college courses and requiring me to do more of the parenting so she can do homework till 11 pm I had to take the day off from being exhausted and hearing the non stop complaints about not being supportive. Besides going to the gym on Saturday and Sunday morning I’m always home but I’m told it is not good enough. In case anyone at my age wants to have children please make sure you have the energy to be the best parent possible.
I’m in the same boat but with older boys…I think hanging out with people with younger kids helps a lot… The yearning for me is to hold a baby and cuddle it because my kids are now not cuddly…I think you get an addictive chemical from snuggling your kids and babies and that as theygrow up that drug starts to create withdrawals symptoms. And like all drugs …its not always wise to succumn to them. We have those drugs to make us procreate in our 20s and 30s or earlier but by the time we are forty we know that falling in love drug we used to crave as teenagers that falling in love or getting drunk and dancing with some hot guy is a load of crap. we used to crave going to parties and now they’re a chore…we used to crave the highest heel and now we just admit most of time we need a solid flat. Sometimes I put on a ton of makeup and some spanks and can revisit that feeling of being young but five minutes later I want my elastic waistband and my slippers. Sometimes I think it would be so cool to be in a band and be famous and rich and have a pony…but then I remember money isn’t all that fame is rather intrusive and ponies are a lot of work. And maybe the craving is there to establish our grandmother selves …. Like realistically our bodies stop having babies but for survival young ones need grandmas…and when our kids would be becoming fertile we need that craving to give us a motivation to help out our kids kids. Actually I think I’ve hit a nail on the head there. But our kods won’t have their kids when we are forty like nature might have planned to happen. I think I’m going to do some babysitting and visit people I know with babies just to remind myself of the downsides. In person. Cos I know I probably won’t ever have sex again let alone get a very young sperm sample and go through with it all… I probably could get pregnant but Christ where would I find a man who even looks genetically decent. I don’t love men like I used…all that glamour is gone. whatever hormone made me think they weren’t jerks is left my system. And if I did have one how badly would I regret it for my kids. I mean when my kids were three they wanted a sister…but now they’re teens the last thing they need in their lives trying to study is a baby?? The last thing they need when their friends come over to play is nappies around… Ya know. So if crave kids i say to myself you’ve already got kids…dpnt be greedy…consider the impact on their lives and my parents lives and the babies lofe being not really part of the family due to being so much younger. And remind myself …god ya know what …I bet there is an app that wakes you up with crying etc to yeach young girls and boys…but we could probably use an app likr that. Tremind me how hard it was! An alarm goes off with a baby at night three times and another screams at you it needs a nappy change. Oh wow I think that would sell. Anyway I think I am sure I’m not going to have another one unless I adopt or foster and that would be wonderful thing to do. As older moms we have a lot to give. But maybe we can give to the younger women by helping support them and helping society support the kids that need us most.
I think the role of the grandparent is so crusial and so yes maybe channelling that urge for more babies could go that way. If you have never had any yourself at all then I can completely understand why people try really hard to have babies in their 40s, totally get that. And lots do… but most don’t.
But for you sounds like a wise choice to channel your love into other peoples’ kids and then be a fab granny. If my kids have their kids as old as I did they might miss out on grandparents, just like we did – such a shame.
Hi Seana, thanks for such an honest heartful post on your own experiences. I’m 46 & mum to a little boy who is 3. I was 4 weeks off my 43rd birthday when I had him. I have days when I’m exhausted, I guess all parents do, I struggle to balance being the best mum I can be with my work, I guess so many mum’s do, & I definitely know I’d have had more energy 10 yrs ago. But, life doesn’t always pan out as you want. In my late 20s married I couldn’t get pregnant then, I wasn’t ovulating. I met my current partner when I was 38, after years of trying, many upsets, IVF, we amazingly fell pregnant naturally just when we’d almost given up & carried my little boy to term. I’d have loved a 2nd child, but my partner didn’t want to take the risk with our ages. I’m trying to make sure my little boy grows up with great friendships. His grandparents aren’t very hands-on, they’re all in their early 70’s, but you know what they were no more hands on 13 yrs ago with my neice either so…..a shame as I was so very close with my grandparents, I’m sad he’s missing that. Yes I worry that we’ll be so old at the school gate, & when he leaves school. No I don’t want him to have to care for me, I’ll make sure financially he doesn’t have to. But both my partner & I are pretty fit active 46 yr olds, how many 30 yr olds can hike 16 mountains in 24hrs, or do ultra marathons across mountain ranges. We’ve lived, we’ve travelled, we’ve worked around the world. We still hope we can show our son the world despite our age, & we still hope we’ve got nearly another half of our lives to live it with him & have great adventures & fun with him along the way. I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over & take him to a music festival & start showing him the wider world & all its amazement. Have I accepted that I won’t have a 2nd child, most days, almost. Love to you all wherever your life leads you at whatever age, it’s not easy, but it’s definitely worth it xxx
Hello and thanks so much for your kind words and sharing your story. How wonderful that you did have your son. I am 57 this year and my twins are almost 15 now.My husband and I keep fit too, him more than me, he’s doing a half marathon next weekend, I am a keen swimmer and will get back to doing weights at the gym next school term. My kids do laugh at me and say I am the only Boomer mum of all their friends. I really, really hope to stay fit and well and to be a useful granny one day. Today though I am not well and am in bed with the kids and hubby looking after me, it is great that they are old enough now to be helpful. Best wishes and here’s to heaps more family fun once this bloody pandemic is over.
Hi Seana
I’ve literally just found out im pregnant, im 42. I have a 22 and 17 year old and a great career. I also have health issues now newly diagnosed diverticular disease with 2 hospital admission since March. Last one 8th May and I would have been 1 week pregnant I had all kinds of drugs pumped through me and ct scans.
After reading this it seems I shouldn’t keep it. In so scared. My husband doesn’t want it we had a retirement plan is that selfish and with my illness its not fair to bring someone into the world I maybe can’t look after properly.
Any thoughts please? I’ve always said I would never terminate i dont think I could but I may be forced to.
And I always wanted a 3rd but years ago! But he never did.
🙁
Oh what a difficult situation… time to have a long chat to your GP and then to seek some counselling, some serious counselling. Depending on where you are it can be very hard to get appointments, if in NSW have you heard of likemind.org.au ?? It’s a free service. Your doctor should know of an appropriate place to talk through all your issues with an expert… whatever you decide you need to know that you have thought through all the issues and that you can live with your decision, not that it would ever be black and white, but we all need to live with the shades of grey that our decisions have brought to us.
This article was mainlyw ritten about fertility though, and that’s not your issue at all… I had my twins at 42… I never did think of not having them, not ever… but I can tell you that two 15 year olds at age 57 is hard going some days…. only you can decide… but you need and deserve help and a lot of support. Hope your GP can be a good starting place.
Have them early if you can! I do regret not listening to my mother when she advised to have my last baby by 35!
totally agree with the article. However, life doesn’t always go as planned. So if you are an older mum- enjoy it- you’re not the first and you definitely won’t be the last!
All the best x
I am 100% with you. When people don’t get the chance to have them younger, then have them older… there are ups and downs to both… mainly ups!!
Your story clearly shows your personal doubts and inadequacies, but directing them at every woman in their 40s whose motherhood journey begins then is, quite frankly, pathetic. Compared to me and my mommy network (who all started in our 40s), you sound like a jaded 80 year old who doesn’t enjoy life. Reading this makes me feel bad for you, and as a professional writer, it seems like that’s the angle you took. I also feel bad for your children who were born to someone clearly not equipped for the task. I don’t care how many clicks or comments this article gets, it’s really a disgrace to women and you should be ashamed of yourself. Some things are better dealt with in therapy, like you ruining your life by assuming you had the strength to be a parent when you obviously don’t.
Heather, I do think you should stop sitting on the fence and say what you really think. Thanks for your input. I shall have a long hard look at myself.
No worries Seana. To me, fence sitting is back peddling on a trash article you wrote by trying to play both sides of the fence in the comments. I find your responses as weak as the original piece. Your sarcasm here is lame. Feel free to send another “thanks for the comment” though, fortunately for you google boosts placement on replies. On ya.
Seana, this article really concerns me. With all due respect, it’s your story. However, I could only imagine how many women have terminated their pregnancy after reading this. Liza is proof of the kind of doubt you’re creating. You created some serious doubt in this woman’s life. I just pray that she made the right choice for her and not because of you and YOUR negative experience. Please keep in mind that everyone’s situation is quite different. This was hands down, the most discouraging write up I’ve ever read in my entire life. Prayers for Liza.
Thank you for that! No women should feel bad for trying to conceive after forty or get discouraged because of their personal issues.
Motherhood seems to be stressing you out dear. You should calm down, it’s not good to get overexcited at your age.
?
Heather, your comment just shows that this article somehow hits a sore spot with you. Maybe because it was honest and you are not?
I admire Seana for posting this, because most women wouldn’t admit it. It seems to be trendy today to pretend modern women are divorced from their biology and will easily handle raising kids until they are 70 (because if those kids go to college they won’t have their own income until then, and will probably visit you with your grandkids in a retirement home – but only if they have them earlier than you did).
I wish someone had told this to my mum when she was your age. She had me in her 40s and then my sister 4 years later because my dad guilted her into it. Then my sister was born disabled. She was totally overwhelmed by it. I tell you, its no fun to have a hormonal menopausal mother freaking out when you are a hormonal teenager ill equipped to deal with it and there is a disabled child around who is also freaking out. A lot of tableware didn’t survive it nor did the marriage. I would have loved to have my children get to know their grandparents (I would have loved to have more time with my grandparents), unfortunately when they were old enough to remember them, my dad already passed away and my mums dementia made it impossible. So they’ll only ever know them from pictures.
Yes, my parents were more financially stable than younger parents might have been. More settled and experienced? Not at all. How could they have been? A first child is a first time experience, no matter if you are 20 or 40. And they did not have the benefit of their parents helping them with their experience as younger parents might have had. They had to figure it all out on their own, not always successfully.
That was tough for you. I really, really hope that I can stay well and be a grandparent and able to assist my kids. I do exercise every day and keep my mind busy and I am really, really hoping that my kids will have their own children in their 20s and 30s and not their 40s. But that will be up to them. Every one has their own story.
So basically you’re saying you’d rather have never been born, you hate your life so much you blame your parents for your very existence. I’m sorry it been hard for you but all of these things could have happened to you regardless of when your mother and father gave you life. I think you should take a step back and be grateful for everything you do have and not focus so much on all of the stuff that hasn’t been so great (first world problems)
I cannot believe the pessimistic attitudes here about having children in your 40s. I had my first and only child a few months before I turned 43. Besides being exhausted and having an achy body, every other aspect is perfect. My mother was only 18 when she had me so my son has a grandmother in her early 60s. My dad was 20 years older than my mom so unfortunately he passed away 2 weeks before my son was born. My son’s father is 15 years younger than me and I swear I have more interaction and energy than he does! His parents were in their late 30s when they had him so his parents are the same age as my mother. Not every scenario is the same. I got pregnant within weeks of trying and had a very easy uncomplicated pregnancy. Labor was difficult due to having scoliosis so the epidural didn’t work and my pelvis is tiny so I had a csection which wasn’t bad. That wouldn’t have been any different if I had been younger. While I may not have the energy of a 20 year old, I have the wisdom, patience and life experience they do not. My son was born perfectly healthy and has been tested for giftedness. He is showing the intelligence of a 7 year old at 4. I believe his high intelligence is nothing more than having an older, dedicated parent who spends all their time with him and has zero interest in partying and socializing like a younger parent. There is no way I was ready or mature enough to do this at a younger age.
Oh my, that’s harsh. Sure it is not easy to have babies at a younger age for all women, in fact at times it is when you reach your mid life, and you see that you really wanted kids, for some of us, that is like a bulb lighting up. We never thought of wanting babies when we were younger, so the delay was in a sense a decision we made.
But at the same time, I think having kids at the right age- as in terms of fertility, energy, the time you get to spend with your kids, is crucial. All of these things are compromised once you have a baby in midlife. It is not the best time to have babies. There is a lot of love and joy, but it is just not the same.
And someone needs to say that to young women. Society has to take into account that women need support and planning when they are young and pregnant and it is not a death knell for their careers. It is because we dont have support systems that we keep putting it off.
I think this post is important because it is actually asking us to look sharply at how problematic it is to think 40s is acceptable for women to go through so much physically.
I find it bewildering that so many women are taking this article (a opinion piece from some random, bitter woman) so seriously. One woman is even considering **aborting** her child because of what this Seana person wrote. Ignore the article and do what feels right to you. It’s your life, not Seana’s. Women have children in their 20s, 30s, and 40s. Historically, in many catholic communities women would have several to a dozen children throughout their life during all those decades of life. It’s not weird to conceive as long as you are fertile. I have friends who had fertility issues in their twenties and suddenly became pregnant in their late 30s and 40s. I have a friend who was born when her mother was 46 and she has a thriving relationship with both her parents who are now in their 90s and very healthy and active. I also know people who were born to young mothers who passed away young. There are no guarantees or guides to life. I was told I would be unable to have children. I got married in my 20s and tried with my first husband. We couldn’t conceive and the marriage fell apart. Then at 38, I met my now husband. We got married at 39 and got pregnant on the first try. I’m now expecting my first child. My mom had me at 21 and will be a first time grandmother in her 60s. There is no calculus to life and everyone’s destiny is different. Women, do what YOU WANT to do and don’t let anyone guilt you out of it. Especially not some bitter woman who is hell bent on making her daughter miserable by pressuring her to conceive young. I feel bad for her daughter because she should make her own choices based on what feels right to her in her own life. Mommy dearest who wrote this article is a control freak.
I totally agree. I find the whole article hilarious! I had my first baby at 41 and starting for second at 43 with my partner at 42. Yes we have to be strict with our diets & take lots of vitamins to get the best sperm & egg but bloody hell! We are in the best shape of our lives! We don’t drink/smoke like when younger, we eat much healthier, we exercise more, we have less financial worries so therefore less stress…….in 20’s, 30’s we were partying & no way settled.
I have had miscarriages sure, but so have lots of my friends in their 30’s…..& I have friends in their 30’s who have children with health issues – it isn’t exclusive to women over 40.
I definitely agree historically women had babies late in life as the norm – think my nan had her last at 48…..and guess what author? It helps you live longer having kids late ……….she is an active, bounchy 88 year old still going strong. Culturally now we are just put into a box for being older mums like everything else. Fertility isn’t over until your body decides to shut up shop- not your mind. You can even have menopause babies so nature clearly doesn’t want you to stop ?.
Hello, glad to hear that you are doing so well as an older mother. I know that many people, you, me, your granny and my pal who had a baby at 48, do have kids older. But we are the lucky ones, the fertile when over 40 ones. But just because it has worked for us does not mean that it will work for everyone. Science is science, humans are humans. But hooray for the older parents who are doing it well. I can relate to being more settled, I don’t drink now, lots of things are better and one day I WILL write a piece on what’s great about having kids over 40.
Totally agree! I especially like the point you make about having babies late not being anything new. My grandmother born in 1909 had my mother when she was 45 years old, after having 10 children across multiple decades! My grandmother lived a long life that I was 16 years old when she passed away and I have very fond and amazing memories.
I think the author is just trying to share her opinion and experience. It does not necessarily mean it will be everyone’s experience. She makes some valid points about being older parents but this is no different having kids younger, just a different set of concerns really (e.g financial, no support etc).
Yes the science does show you have lower risks having kids younger but an healthy child is not guaranteed and I do not agree with the author making such points to scare or guilt women out of choosing to have kids later. Everything comes with risk, no matter what it is or how old you are when you choose to have kids.
Yup, I agree. What the heck does this person think. My own mother didn’t tell me to have kids young, but I did. Well, at 21. She actually thought I was too young and not ready! But was overjoyed to meet her granddaughters, as I have 2. All I have to say about this article is wow! Poor little girl.
Hope you have had a read of this article too:
https://www.hellosydneykids.com.au/a-baby-at-40-reasons-having-baby-in-40s/
Heather it’s her story . But I’m surprised to see someone with such bad mouth. It’s horrible . Empathy lady !!! Least you can do is not say such rubbish about her . Seana u must just ignore . No one is terminating their pregnancies with your story & if they are they don’t clearly have a mind of their own . So please do not pay heed to some Mums . God speed !
Terrible article. Just sounds like she is insecure and comparing herself to societal “norms” for the most part. The judgment she placed on herself is projected to other women’s lives. People who get pregnant in their 40’s typically have thought about it and are in a good place psychologically & financially. My parents were 21 when they had me, were still in school, and we’re a hot mess across the board. My childhood was chaotic and full of challenges. I would have loved older more mature parents growing up. And that’s the gift I’m going to give MY children.
Hello Geriatric Mum, my parents were very young too and we had a very turbulent upbringing… and there are many advantages to having children in your 40s which I have found out and will write up soon. I do think people need to hear the downsides too though… for many people their fertility has gone. Harsh but true. I was so lucky to have my twins in my 40s, but many friends have tried and failed to have children when they have left it that late.
The author clearly does not care for her health as she should even if she had no kids. Fatigue is NOT a natural part of being in one’s 40’s or 50’s. Don’t put that on other people who know how to age well and are as energetic as they ever were. I sincerely feel sad that she has this level of disdain for her own motherhood. I feel bad for her kids but there is always therapy for them In The future.
My mom had this same attitude, though she had us in her 20’s. That we are exhausting, she couldn’t do the things she wanted because of us, we ruined her financially and ruined her retirement, blah blah blah. It was TORTURE having a mother like this author. TORTURE. Honestly.
Thank you for acknowledging how much more it hurts for those of us who don’t already have kids at home waiting for us. 36 here, trying almost 2 years, 1 failed IVF. Such a lonely feeling especially when all my friends finished having kids already and are constantly having play dates together, leaving me out. So much regrets on not starting sooner. Sigh. Still praying to be able to have an healthy child eventually though no matter what age!
How terrible for you. I am so sorry. Wishing you all the very best on your journey.
Completely
Agree
Deep down I fear I’ve always known I never wanted kids. People always told me my mind would change but I knew myself. I knew from the time I was a little girl. I never played with dolls and babies make me uncomfortable, though oddly kids really like me. I’m 39 and blessed with a wonderful partner and a wonderful stepchild whom I love. I get to be a part time parent. If there was ever anyone I would have a biological child with it would be my partner. I’ve really wanted to want it. I wanted to want it for him (he would have loved a child together) and his parents and my parents. I suppose that’s why I ended up on your post 5 months shy of 40 years old. I still take the idea out and toy with it. I understand how wonderful it is to have ones own kids based on seeing it around me. I have some legit FOMO. I still have a lot of anxiety around the ticking clock and feeling like I’m breaking my partner’s and my parents’ hearts. But your post acknowledges the reality of late attempts to conceive and also that it’s no picnic all the time, and I appreciate that so much. I feel like women aren’t really allowed to express negative feelings about kids or motherhood. And in my case, my biggest fear is that I’m right about myself: I’ve no interest in being a mom full time and would probably resent it, especially now. I won’t let myself feel like a monster for owning that. It’s not a decision, if we were lucky enough to conceive, that I can take back. But neither is NOT having kids. My partner is 50 already so I think the ship has sailed. Sorry to ramble. I just really appreciate the objective honesty from those of you who decided to try having kids later in life. Reading the comments gives me a sense of the wide range of longing and experiences women have had with becoming moms.
Thanks so much for writing this honest comment. Every person’s situation is different. I agree that negative feelings about kids and motherhood are often attacked so people tend to stay quiet about the many downsides – many! I know several women who are in your situation, they know themselves well enough to know that motherhood is not for them. I wish there was more writen about that too. It is very valid indeed.
I had my first at 39 and my second at 42. I have more energy than my younger counter parts. I work two jobs and just finished my masters…all I have to say is this “ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE THROUGH JESUS CHRIST”
To all the older moms, pls pls do not let this post deter you from doing what your heart desires. Having kids at an older age for me, only makes me take bette care of myself mentally, emotionally, physically and most important spiritually. To all of my older moms wanting to convince or those who are pregnant… may you find the peace and clarity you need and deserve to keep going forward in your journey…whatever that may look like. Sending you love and prayers.
I am 43 and will be 44 years old in August.
I am 7 weeks pregnant with 4 children.
By reading some comments here, I think I will stick to my decision of getting rid of the baby which is not a good thing to do though but I have no other choice.
I wished I had all the energy to go through this pregnancy process but its rather unfortunate I can’t.
My last born is 5 years and who knows the length of days ahead of me should anything happens
and I am not there to support my children, they will be miserable.
Sad but such as life .
This is an opinion post not a fact post… terribly negative and I think your an idiot.
Thats my honest comment sorry.
This really made me laugh. Love an honest comment!
I think a lot of people miss the humour in my writing on this post…. must improve my writing!
I’ve just read the article and got mad as well. I recently turned 40, don’t have a child yet because my life just didn’t go that way and my body didn’t agree either. So am I not allowed to become a Mother ever? Seeing all the countless young mothers in the media, feeling insecure about even trying to become one myself at the age of 40, there is absolutely no reason to add further discouragement. Trust me, if you’re wanting to become pregnant “at this age”, you very well know all the facts and figures and every last statistical chance of having all sorts of complications.
Also we’re constantly hearing it from family, friends, and random people all over, that you should’ve gotten pregnant at least ten years ago, if you were right in your mind and thinking about the child’s future.
I don’t see the humour in this article either, because miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies and countless failed attempts on top of all are taking away the playfulness and lightness that would be necessary to “get it”.
You just make us even more feel like losers and not entitled to motherhood, because we missed the right time, for whatever reason you don’t really seem to care about anyway.
I am so sorry that you are having a difficult time conceiving. It is so distressing to lose pregnancies and the unasked for criticism of others must be very upsetting too.
I still do meet people who think it is easy to get pregnant even in their 40s, the mainsteam media still glorifies. I can completely understand why attempts at humour about this and my own life are not at all welcome to you. I would feel just the same.
Best wishes as you continue your journey. I am so sorry that life is being so tough for you.
I’m sitting here crying at 41, with out my parents because they have both passed on , so no parents to take care of any longer, with no partner in the immediate past or immediate future and the thought of not having a child when I was younger. Of course I wish I had a child when I was younger, most of us wish we did but telling us that now doesn’t help anything does it?
Hello, I am so sorry you are sad. This is a letter written to my young daughter,people bring their own story to it when they read it. Grief for parents is also part of my life. I do sympathise.
I’m 41 and have no regrets of not having any kids. Yeah, l wanted kids in my 20s and part of my 30s, but it never happened, because men kept disappointing me and breaking my heart, but that’s a whole other subject. And after l was 39 my maternal instinct died..flat lined. I’ll be 42 in a few months and am looking forward to menopause!! We live in a sick and dangerous world and l didn’t want to bring any kids into it. Anyway, l also didn’t want to be 50 with a 10 year old, hell NO!! So, when l was 39 l went and got myself a dog. Best idea ever! Now, lm living a wonderful life that works for me.:D
most of the time you depend on others to have babies… what if you don’t meet anyone who wants to have babies with you until you are older? . I am a mom and I had my child in my 30’s. I see no difference between me in my 30’s and now in my 40’s. If I decide to have a second one it’ll be through donor egg. But who cares? I take care of myself, I look and feel great. Much better than some overweight moms in their early 30’s…being a mom is about having a connection with another human being. Who cares about what other people think?
I admire your strength in writing this post and the honesty! It’s refreshing 🙂
I’m wondering probably more on the side of your husbands experience with all this?
I’m 28 and pregnant with our 3rd. I absolutely love children and have always seen myself having 4 children ever since I was a little girl. My husband is 40 next year. We met after his previous marriage ended and no kids involved and we got married and had kids within 2 years of being together (knew of each other for 3 years prior)
My husband is calling this our last baby as he is getting “too old”.
I don’t mean to sound selfish but I’m really struggling with the thought of this being my last.
We have had 3 kids in 3 years so I have been trying to have them “quickly” to accomodate his worry in ageing. And I LOVE the closeness in age! I’m healthy, sporty and young and am a full time mum with my husband working 5-6 days a week. My husband is very healthy and fit and far from looking and feeling his age. I think his biggest worry is as the kids grow up how will the age difference effect him and the kids.
But I suppose my question to your husbands would be, ‘if you had your time over (obviously not regretting ur children) would you possibly call it quits and not have kids over 40? Or is there really not much difference in having a child at 40 and 42?
Am I missing understanding him because of the 11years difference between us?
Thankyou!
Hello, sorry it’s taken me a few days to get back to you. I have asked my hubby to have a look and give you his thoughts but his email box is pretty full so might have a good while for him to do that. I think it’s really, really common for husbands to be the ones who call a halt to having more children. There’s probably not much difference between 40 and 42 really, but maybe he is already feeling three is enough for him. If only there were easy answers. But you are young and so I can totally understand why you’d want to have more, you’ll always be a young mum and you sound in a great place to have more, with health and fitness and the love of being a mum. I hope my husband will reply with his perspective. I wish I had had some kids in my late 20s or maybe had them all by 35… I am 55 now and many of my friends have kids all in their 20s and they are quite free. Our twins have just started high school, when they finish I will be getting my super. I feel about 150 years old today BUT that’s because I was at 6am swim squad. I think staying fit is the answer for myself and my husband, we enjoy it and it will help keep us healthy and well. Very best wishes with this pregnancy and with ongoing discussions with your husband.
there’s enough humans on this planet and 2 children are enough for anyone stop polluting the earth!
Thank you.
Wow!
The post makes me sad. I have 3 kids and should count myself lucky. I had them in my 30s. I have longed for another child for 4 years. 2 miscarriages. The second caused a lot of complications. I get sad when I see small babies. My husband does not understand
I agree
Well it is a fact. It is easier to have babies when we are supposed to have babies. In our 20’s to 35.
Peri menopause and new borns is not the greatest mix. Not an opinion. Simply a fact.
That is NOT TRUE for everyone, Natasha. As a woman who struggled to have children in my 20s, I easily became pregnant in my late 30s. For some women fertility peaks later due to various health issues. PCOS is one of them and it is very common.
Terribly negative, I agree! There’s a lot of idiot 20 year olds having babies too. “Oh no, my responsible, loving, attentive parents are old!” Get outta here!
agree, very pessimistic and really only applies if you’re unhealthy, unfit and old in mind at 40.
Old parents are just selfish
My mom had me ( her only child ) at 43 and my dad was 39 . Now I’m 22 and she’s 66 ! I wasn’t what they planned, they just didn’t meet till later in life. While I’m very glad to have them and they are glad to have me, having “older parents” has not been easy , especially without siblings or extended family close by. I only have one grandparent left, who I’m not close to, never met two of the others, and my grandpa passed when I was four. He only visited about once a year at that time and never really had energy to do much and since he only visited once a year, I did not really open up to him easily because I was very shy and he lived across the country. My dad has always been healthy and active, but my mom, while healthy has never been as energetic as I would like. Due to her age, she was trying to get down on the ground with a 3 year old with 46 year old legs and was also going through the period where hot flashes were appearing and such ! Ugh !
I know this a really long post, but there really is no “best time to have kids. It’s different for everyone, but when older than 40, the cons overlap the pros, at least in my opinion. Especially when you don’t have siblings . Life is good, but I would not recommend being the only child of “older parents” . Before you have kids, think about the future ahead. Your child will thank you. Sorry for the story !
Hello, thanks for your comment. I am sure that, if you have children, you will have them much younger than your own parents did. Thanks for sharing your experience and perspective. If I am fortunate enough to live until 80, my twins will only be 38. If I died at 70 they’d be only 28… it’s all too young to not have kids. My mum is 79 and has dementia, my sister who lives close to her and looks after her the most is 50. Imagine if she was 30 and was the main carer for her old mum with dementia.
But there’s no black and white. I love my twins dearly, they are now 12 and the older boys are 21 and 18. Another set of teenage years will be hard in my late 50s… but here we go anyway…..
It’s our human nature to come up with plans, thoughts, and goals for the future. But we need to realize God is the only one who truly knows what’s best for us. When you have plans you would like to make, or actions you need to take about a particular decision, make sure that you go to God first.
100%
Thank you! Exactly what my thoughts are.
While I appreciate everyone’s perspective here is mine. I am a 43 year old first time mama to a gorgeous healthy smart active 2 1/2 year old. I didn’t get married until I was 38, my husband is 4 1/2 years younger. We both wanted a family more than anything and could not fathom being a childless couple. After multiple miscarriages and a diagnosis of poor ovarian reserve, I was told by my RE that my best chances of conceiving would with donor eggs. Through the grace of God, our son was conceived using my own eggs. We lost two subsequent pregnancies with our eggs, and are contemplating trying over again, full well knowing the odds are against us. I don’t know what God’s will or plan is for our family, but before we close the chapter on childbearing we have to try, albeit fully aware of the risks involved. I need to be realistic, but also need to be hopeful. I have my reservations about being an “older” mom, but so far I feel great physically and had a wonderful pregnancy at age 41. My “43 year old knees” still bend! I Lucy weights, and ran a half marathon at 42 when my son was was 1. There are no guarantees in life. My mom lost her mother at the young age of 25. At 43 I’m still fortunate to have my mom who is 74 and waited so long to be a grandmother. The alternative of having had my son or maybe even another seems so sad to me.
Thank you so much for your story and your thoughts. It’s wonderful that you have yur so, and trying again sounds like a really positive option for you. There are no rights and wrongs, are there? We are each just living our lives and telling our own stories. Many thanks.
I agree with this. I am an only child of older parents (my mom had me at 40) and I still resent her. I didn’t ask to be born. She desperately wanted a baby but when time came for her to be a parent she failed. She had a career and no energy to discipline and guide me properly. My father was pretty much a deadbeat and didn’t do much in my upbringing. I was jealous of my friends with young parents and hated everyone thinking my parents were my grandparents. From a young age I determined if I didn’t have kids by 35 I’m no having them. Those of you who defend this, still realize this is a selfish act. Your baby did not ask to be born, you made a choice to FULFILL YOUR DESIRE. I’m 40 now, no kids, both parents in bade health, daily wishing I was never born.
Rana, I am so sorry that you are in a bad space at the moment. It sounds like you have got far too much stress in your life at the moment. Is there anywhere you can get support. I can help with places in Australia if you are here. You deserve to enjoy your life. I can see why you lash out at your mum and dad when you are feeling low. Most kids of older parents do not share these feelings, I hope mine don’t…. but it souns like you are having a really hard time at the moment.
My parents had me at 43 and 47 and promptly divorced after I was born. I am an only child. My biomother more or less went crazy and I was fully estranged by my early teens. I was raised by a single father who was old enough to be my grandfather and had health issues. A doctor when I was a freshman in high school told me he would be luck to see me graduate high school. He out lived the predictions by 15 years. Still I was a care taker and helped him recover from a couple of strokes as a high schooler and needed to delay going to college until I was 23 due to parent health problems (he remarried a woman with serious health issues as well that left her wheel chair bound). I decided not to have kids past 40 because of how fast I had to grow up but the delayed start of my adult life meant I was married late and am trying to start my family later than I would have wanted to. My dad recently passed way right after I got pregnant with my first child, but I sadly miscarried shortly after my dad’s death. Still being able to tell him he was going to be a grandpa on his death bed was so hard and I wish I had just started a few years earlier. The thought that my kids will never know the man that raised me leaves me very sad. At least my dad got to meet my husband and they were close. We took care of dad in our rental house next to the one we live in for the last year of his life.
Thank you for sharing your story. Everyone’s life is so different and we just have to go with the flow, as you’ve done. I just read this heminway quote; The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. That certainly sounds true for you. Best wishes on your journey xxx
This post doesn’t sound fair. Not all mother’s who have children late waited or chose it to be that way. Some women are just not lucky enough to have a husband or partner to have kids with when they were young. It would be tough to follow your calling to become a mom if you are young, alone and have no funds to support your kids. Yes, there are other ways like Jennifer Lopez did in the movie the back up plan but not everyone have the funds for insemination. So with that said, how do you quench your yearning for a child? I don’t think it’s fair that you generalized it all as if it is some type of switch you can just turn on or off.
Hi I had my daughter at 42 and now 45 and my littlest is 37 months, and I have a nineteen year old, tell you the truth they teach you a lot about yourself and you pass a lot of teachings on to them, there like precious butterflies there not long in your care before they leave to spread there wings in the garden of life,
If your desire is to have children please listen, as you will regret not having them;
It is battle sometimes,but life is, we always get through,
to know you left a imprint on earth and you will go on and live in there hearts is precious.
It is lonely being in old age and not having any kids to communicate with about there life and hearing what there been up to. Children love to have a sibling.
Just wanted to chime in to say that as a mother of 2 thinking of having a 3rd at 40 I find I have nearly about the same energy, but my husband has not. Until he got on anti-depressants a few months ago: and now he is back to his soccer-kicking, kid wrestling self.
I just wanted to say there is help out there and it has made a world of difference for our children!
I’m not so sure. Life isn’t that simple,
I was told in my *20s* I’d never have kids. I also should have been dead as an infant (genetic disease no I did not pass on, my partner is negative and carriers are healthy). So being young doesn’t automatically equate healthy or “easy” to conceive.
That being said after my first marriage failed due to the “premature menopause dx”, I conceived my son 1st try with spouse #2 at 32. Naturally. He not only survived a very healthy but “high risk” pregnancy (not age related at all) but was a tank. I had a vaginal birth at term despite an induction from hell most fetuses would distress from. He’s still a healthy tank to this day, reading by 3, math star, usually never sick for more than a day if that (beat measles at 8 months old in 4 days), never been on a medication and he’s now 8.
I’m now pregnant naturally at 40, 28 weeks, and no she doesn’t have Down syndrome or trisomy, and all Doppler flow and ultrasound studies look great (I.e, a normal healthy pregnancy despite the “odds”).
Sure this pregnancy is a bit more rough than first, but not nearly as bad as it could be. I know a “healthy” 26 year old who almost died from severe preeclampsia at 26 weeks as did her premie.
Nothing is a guarantee in this life. Eat healthy, take your supplements, exercise, avoid toxins, get genetic testing at any age. At the end of the day just live your life.
Sure I am/will be an “older” parent but that’s part of my life journey. I will be tired I’m sure but so what. Just because you are young or old it doesn’t predetermine your life.
P.S. Yes ASD has been linked to “older” parents but, the real risk may be people with those genes mate/procreate later. Also you can negate sperm/egg damage and fragmentation which is linked to ASD. The interventions given to older moms such as repeat ultrasound etc may also play a role. My point is it’s not so simple.
This article is toxic. It assumes that women just voluntarily wait to have children at 40 and doesn’t take into account the circumstances that have caused a later in life pregnancy. It also incorrectly assumes that you will be spared the agony of infertility, birth defects, miscarriage, and/or disability if you have children earlier. The risks for those things is always there, no matter how old you are. Instead of wasting any more time on this article, have a good conversation with your doctor and husband and then make the best decision for your family.
We had ours when hubby was 58 and I turned 37. Father’s Day and Grandparents was interesting. You just have to go after what you want regardless.
Hi, thanks for the insights, I’d say your opinions all hold merit. However I feel you focus on the negative on all points and I’d like to offer some perspective from my experience. I’m a 49 year old Mum to an 8 and 10 year old and beleive I am the best mother I could have been at any age. I always knew I wanted to be an older parent due to having young parents myself. There’s a lot to be said for maturity, emotional security, financial stability and life experience. There is also the added statistic that some marriages don’t last and single parenting is a reality. It is more appropriate to say at any age we are in the right position to become parents we should aim to be fit, healthy and equip ourselves with the resources and support to become responsible parents. Yes young people can have children easier but are they ready to become parents? Too often I see younger people focused on the aura and superficial aspect of being pregnant with reality hitting afterwards of how hard it is and it no longer being about themselves. Having a baby is about becoming a parent and as an older parent I felt more ready and equipped to handle the responsibility than I would have 10 or 20 years earlier. Admittedly I am a fitter older woman and yes I am more tired as an older parent but this doesn’t hinder our family life in any way. I also conceived naturally and had two natural births at 38 & 40 years old. So I think we shouldn’t pigeon whole our ages around statistics because everyone’s reproductive lifecycle would be different. I just wanted to put this perspective forward for the benefit of the older parenting group and say we shouldn’t generalise.
You’re awesome, Seana, you really are. In all honestly I reckon having my babies in my early – mid thirties was pushing it for me, I don’t think I would have made it if I was in my forties. No way. I’ve been with Bart for 18 years and it kills me that we didn’t pump those kittens out in our twenties!!! x
Hilarious! Pump out those kittens!!
I met Paul when I was nearly 32… we did get pregnant fast but then strung it out a bit too far! I’m so glad that I didn’t have a family with any of the boyfriends from Terrible Twenties (now referred to collectively as ‘The Desperados.’ But still, I have some twin mum pals who had their twins at 28… when they’re my age they’ll be swanning around hands free not belting off to do reading groups… they’re the wise ones.
It’s a good post.
I agree, don’t have babies in your forties IF you have a chance to have kids earlier. IF you already in marriage, DON’T wait. Don’t postpone to have kids saying that you don’t have this or that, or not the right time, etc.
My first one was born when I was 35 and I became 37 just 10 day later that my second was born. I wanted a third child but, let’s face it, I started too late. But such is life, I met my husband so late in my life.
I think it would be selfish to have a third child, who would be only 20 years old when I’m 60.
And I really want grandchildren, and hope that my kids will have kids earlier in age than me.
I knew one of mine my great-grandmothers and great-grandfathers and I have really good memories especially about him. My kids still know one of my grandmothers. But there is a big chance that my future grandchildren will miss that great-grand generation.
If you give birth in your forties, unfortunately, there is a chance that your kids won’t know their grandparents either.
My children just lost their last grandad, we’re down to one granny and a lovely younger step-granny. I so want to be a granny myself… and yes, I can agree that it wass elfish in many ways to want to have more kids and to have the twins so late. Mother bloody Nature came calling very powerfully… I do owe it to my kids to stay as fit and well as I can… am writing this after being on treadmill. It’s my duty!
Oh, I don’t want to judge you!
If I had become pregnant this spring, I would be expecting our third one now and the baby would be born before my 40th.
I deeply understand you and I wish I had a third one. I just gave it up as I don’t want to give a birth after my 40th.
And honestly, I am sad about my unborn third one. I just didn’t have the right man with me before my husband.
Hi Seana, I have a question for you. I have three kids ages 12, 6 and 10 months old and I will turn 40 soon. We thought we were done with three kids since we are turning 40 this year. But now we are thinking about a fourth one because having two kids close in age, like 2 years apart, can be beneficial for them so they can play with each other and support each other when they grow up since we will have less energy as we age. Also, all my friends are done having their children like 5 years ago so we won’t have any playmates for our third son. Another option is we can stop at three and sign him up for more activities as he grows up to provide him playmates. I know that having children in 40s is not easy but we had our third at 39, so 40-41 seems very close. If you had a single child instead of twins, would it have been easier in the long run? I am sure taking care of twins in the first couple of years is very hard. What if you had kids 2 years apart by age 41, would it have been easier than having twins? Thank you for your comments! Lana
Hello Lana, that’s funny, we were just talking about this the other day. I have to say that I feel very lucky that we did have the twins as they always had each other. They do play together a lot, well, they bicker a lot now that they are teens, but when they were little they played a lot together. We were really lucky then that we had a pool and a trampoline, that kept them very busy and happy! So I can definitely see why a fourth close to your third would be very appealing. One of the big issues with havving kids later is fertility but that doesn’t seem to be an issue for you – hooray. My friends with only children have had to be a lot more organised to provide playmates, and they often end up with loads of kids at their house. I have been very fortunate to have mine in two batches of two, as it were. Best wishes as you work it out and if you do try for another, hope it works quickly and then you have two of them to grow up together.
Hi Seana, thank you for your feedback! I have to ask you about bickering between your twins. Do they bicker a lot now and when they were younger? Do kids closer in age bicker more often? Or is it just more common in teenagers?
Thank you!
Lana
Hi Seana,
I forgot to ask you one more question. Do you think it would be easier to have one teen when you are 55 or two teens? Do they keep each other busy or mad most of the time?
Thank you!
Lana
Hello, will answer both questions in one… well, our house is definitely quieter when there is only one teen at home… my two are boy/girl and very different characters and they do bicker a lot. Now they are teenagers they spend most of their time doing their own thing, lots of time in their bedrooms playing guitars and music and watching movies. Dinner times can be a bit fractious… we parents can generally maintain our calm even when the kids can’t, we’ve had practice.
I think they actually bickered more as little kids because they spent almost all their time together. Now things can be more explosive. When we go on holiday they play more, like when we were in Lennox head in January and they played for ages in the waves which was a joy to see… it felt like they were little kids again. But of course there are never any guarantees… you might get kids who don’t bicker as they have a lot in common.
Hi Seana,
Thank you again for your reply! I have just a few more questions for you, I promise:)
1. Did your older two boys bicker as much as your twins when they were growing up? How many years apart are they? I wonder if the closer the kids are in age, the more they will bicker over the same toys or topics. But the bonus is that they will probably play more also because of their similar interests (stages of development).
2. Do you think bickering is worse between kids of opposite genders? I would think that two boys of similar age may have more things in common than a boy and a girl of similar age, especially in teenage years. Or their personalities are more important than their gender?
3. Do your older boys have a close relationship now that they are grown? I wonder if all this bickering is worth it at the end of their childhood.
4. Have you ever felt that you were too busy watching after your twins and you did not have enough time for your older two sons?
Thank you!
Lana
Hello Lana, sorry for wee delay…. ummmm… so many things to think about. Starting at the end…. I did used to feel I was too busy with the twins and that my middle son in particular was given less attention, my eldest has additional needs above him and the twins below. He’s 21 now though, very independent and doing fine. The big boys at 23 and 21 are not terribly close really, they don’t live in the same city. I don’t know if there was much difference in bickering between the big boys and the twins… I am more patient with it all though. Yes, maybe gender makes for more bickering…. I really don’t think there are any rules though… and it really comes and goes. I found once they were teens they spent more time alone or with their own friends and bickered a lot less. Do you find that with your older ones???
Hi Seana,
Thank you again for your response! I want to say that I really appreciate all your input on my questions because I am trying to make a big decision and I don’t have anyone else to ask about these matters. I and my husband are the only children and our parents think we are a little crazy to even have a third child (they think 2 is the maximum regardless of mother’s age:).
In regards to my own children, my oldest son is almost 13 and my middle son is 6.5 (6.5 years apart) and they do bicker and physically fight sometimes, however, they do play sometimes as well. They like to play soccer and hockey together and computer games (I only let them play on the weekends though). They usually fight over things like: the middle one will take something out of the oldest one’s room, burp in his face or annoy him in other silly ways. So usually the bickering between them is the result of the middle one annoying the oldest one and the oldest one reacting negatively to the middle one’s behavior. They do spend some time apart because the oldest has a lot of homework now and sometimes he spends time with his own friends or alone.
My baby is 10 months old now, so he is 5.5 years apart with the middle son. I foresee that their relationship will be similar to my oldest two. And maybe this is perfect and it is good to stop at 3…but part of me wonders what if I had a fourth one close in age with my baby (2 years apart), how would our family dynamics change… And how would dynamics between all my children (siblings) would change…Of course no one knows. I guess if I knew that most of the time the youngest two would play and get alone with each other, I would go for the fourth one, but if they would mostly bicker/fight, then I would stop at three. By the way the reason I think about 2 years apart because my OBGYN doctor said that I need to wait at least 12 months before next pregnancy since last birth but waiting any longer just goes against my biological clock.
On another note about having children later in life (late 30s – early 40s), it is very interesting in my specific situation. I had my 1st son at age 26 and physically it was the easiest but I worked full time then and was attending graduate school, so I was emotionally drained! So it was the worst experience as a mother. I only had 6 weeks off for maternity leave. Then I had my 2nd son at 33 and I just started a new job, but my husband was attending graduate school then so kids were mostly on me, so again I was really drained. But better than the first time. The reason we decided to have our 3rd son at age 38 (almost 39) is because me and my husband were finally done with our higher education and my current job (teaching) is now flexible (combo of in person and online teaching). Also because I am a teacher, I got one year off to stay home and look after my baby. So even though having a baby later in life is physically more difficult, for me personally this was the best experience so far as a mother (maybe until I go back to work:) because I am so relaxed now and I have experience with kids and I just don’t rush. That’s another reason I think about a fourth child because I can stay home with my fourth child for a year or a year and a half (and with my 3rd child if he would be 2 at that time) so this idea is appealing. But I don’t have any experience taking care of a baby and a toddler at once and that seems scary. But I know that a year will fly fast and then they will go to day care…But I wonder for the next 18 years when I will spend time with all my kids during summer breaks, winter breaks, weekends and evenings, will the relationship between the youngest two make our life a lot more difficult or a lot more fun! Also, when my middle child will become a teen and will be more on his own, my 3rd son will be 8 and he would probably still enjoy some company…or not… Also, as parents, will we enjoy one quite teen (when my 3rd son becomes a teen) at a dinner table or two bickering teenagers….or two teenagers who would make each other and us laugh.. Sorry for so much writing but I fee like I summarized it all now.
If you had one child instead of twins, would you go for another one or stop? If you only had one child in your early 40s, do you think it would have been a lot easier then and afterwards or just really depends on a day and kids’ personalities?
Thanks so much again!
Lana
Hi there Lana,
That is all so interesting. You started young and have had such different experiences with all the kids. Do you live in the USA?? I think one of the things I really missed on was having family support. I am from Scotland but emigrated to Australia? Do you have family around that support you and your family? I was 42 when the kids were born, if I had just had the one I definitely would not have tried to have another child at 43 or 44 – no!!! But you are younger.A baby and toddler together is hard but also full of joy… which is just the way all of parenthood is, I think. And so many days are different… we still have days and days of calm and then explosions and bickering. I am with my 24 year old son at the momement for a couple of nights. I look at him and feel as if a giant stole my wee boy!
Hi Seana,
Thank you for your reply again! Yes, I do live in the USA and I also did immigrate here with my parents 23 years ago. My mom still works so she helps occasionally but very little. My dad passed away at age 51 before I had any of my children; even though he was only 25 years old when I was born, he never got to see his grandchildren. So having kids younger does not guarantee anything either. He would have been a great support for us …I actually spend some days helping my mother after his passing because she was dependent on him, so some days I feel like I do have four children. My husband’s mom still lives oversees because she still works and eventually we plan to bring her over here, so again this probably will be more work for us than help really:) My aunt had her 3rd child at age 42 because of the second marriage, she thinks it is best not to have children after 40, but her husband thinks it is wonderful. Go figure!
Hi Seana,
I have an update on my journey of trying to conceive at age 40. I emailed you about 6 months ago when I was thinking of maybe trying for baby #4 because I had a 10 months old baby at that time and two older kids, 6 and 12. My older kids play and fight well together and I thought having a baby close in age to my third one would be really nice. I also felt that I had enough energy of taking care of two little ones for the next several years.
Well, we decided to give it a try and I got pregnant right after I stopped breastfeeding, when my youngest turned 1 year 2 months. I could not believe that it happened so quickly and at 6 weeks we saw a heartbeat but then at 10 weeks we found out that I had a missed miscarriage at about 6.5 weeks. I had one miscarriage previously at age 37 before I conceived with my third child at 38, two months after my first miscarriage. My first miscarriage was also a missed miscarriage, and I took a pill to start and complete it at home. It took me about a week to miscarry, painful physically and emotionally, but I recovered and decided to try again in two months. This time it was difficult emotionally but a bit easier than last time because I had realistic expectations and knew that chance of miscarriage was high (about 40%-50%) at age 40. However, I had complications this time. I took pills 4 times and miscarried partially and waited for 3 weeks for miscarriage to complete on its own. Taking pills made me bleed a lot, I almost went to emergency room because I was terrified. After waiting for 3 weeks, I decided to have a D & C surgery to complete miscarriage because my OBGYN warned me that I might have scarring of the uterus from the remaining placental tissue, and this can cause irregular periods in the future and possibly infertility.
So here I am trying to recover from this roller coaster journey, from being really happy for two months and suffering horribly for the last month. I was really sick with this pregnancy also and taking care of my busy toddler was very difficult. So I am trying to make a decision if it is worth trying again. My husband is worried about my health, he thinks that going through miscarriage physically (taking pills, having D & C surgery) and emotionally is risky for my health even though OBGYN doctor says that the risks of early miscarriage and its complications are low. My mom thinks the same and that I need to focus on my own health and three kids that I already have. I think that if I did not have any children, I would go for these risks, and even if I only had one child, I would probably go for trying again. But having three kids already, and going through two miscarriages and complications after the last miscarriage, am I crazy to even think about having another baby at age 40? Are risks to my own health really this high? OBGYN doctors say it is ok to try again because I had healthy pregnancies and deliveries before, but I think this only gives me an advantage if my egg will be chromosomally normal, then I would have more chances for a healthy pregnancy and delivery. After reading online and talking to OBGYN doctors, any woman at age 40 can have up to 80% of abnormal eggs. That is a lot! The chances of a healthy pregnancy are really low.
I also wanted to ask you a few questions. From reading your post, it sounds like you had two miscarriages. Did you have any complications? At what age did you have them? At how many weeks? I can’t imagine how difficult miscarriage is over 6.5 weeks (mine were between 6-7 weeks and I found them very difficult to handle physically, as well as emotionally). You also said that you had diagnostic procedure done to check for chromosomal abnormalities. I was thinking of doing CVS this time with my last pregnancy, it looks very scary and painful and there is a chance of miscarriage, but I think at age 40 it makes sense to do if you don’t want to continue pregnancy with chromosomal abnormality. One last thought I have is if I did found out that there was a chromosomal abnormality in my pregnancy, I would make a decision to do a D & C, but how would I feel about it afterwards for the rest of my life… It is extremely hard to terminate pregnancy when you see a heartbeat. When you did diagnostic testing, if you found out there was chromosomal abnormality, were you ready to do D & C to terminate pregnancy or continue with your pregnancy? What were your thoughts back then?
Thank you for your input.
Sincerely,
Lana
Hello Lana,
Sorry it has taken me a few days to reply, we are in lockdown here and life is a bit tricky. What a rollercoaster you have been on – so tough for you and your family.
So… I actually had three miscarriages between having my second son and the twins. I was always so glad that I had the two boys at home whenever one happened. The first one was a missed miscarriage, we don’t call it that here in Australia, but the foetus had died at about 6-7 weeks and I found out about 9 or 10 weeks. Then I had a D+C. Then I had one which just bled away at about 8-9 weeks… I could not believe how much blood there was. Finally I had a blighted ovum, where the placenta is in good shape and I felt very pregnant but there is no actual embryo at all. I had a D+C for that one too. It was so upsetting but I didn’t suffer physically.
We decided to try one last time… and that was the twins.
Throughout this I was pregnant and emotional and then not pregnant and even more emotional. I did a lot of comfort eating and a lot of comfort crying.
With the twins, this was 15 years ago. We did nuchal translucency and they looked ok. But I was 42 and there were two of them… I did not like this one little bit but we did do amnios on both babies. This carried a risk of miscarriage of course. With twins, you can’t have a D+C/abortion for one twin… the doctors can inject something to kill one of the foetuses. A terrible thought. In theory we would have done that if we had to but thank god we didn’t. We paid loads of money to have a very quick result and they were both ok. It is one thing to be pro-choice, and I am, but it would have been absolutely awful, terrible to do that. I might not have done it, my husband would have wanted to… easy for him to say that. Anyway, they didn’t have any detectable issues, I feel so lucky. It was all hideous and I would never put myself through that again!!!
If your OBGYN doctor says it is OK to go ahead, I am sure he/she is right, but that is the physcial side only. The emotional side is looked after by other doctors… and that’s what you need to think about. I was so lucky that I did not have miscarriages before I had my first two boys at 33 and 36. How lucky was I? Looking back, I can’t quite belief I kept trying through the three miscarriages to have the twins. They are 15 now and teenagers are hard work at 57!!
Best wishes and good to hear from you. And huge hugs from Down Under.
Hi Seana,
Thank you for your reply. It is also good to hear from you and thank you for your honesty and ongoing support. It sounds like your pregnancy journey after age 40 was not easy at all. It is interesting that you say that it was painful emotionally but not physically for you. For me emotionally my second miscarriage was easier than the first one because I was ready to have it given the risks, but physically I suffered from taking the pill 4 times trying to miscarry at home (cramping, lots of bleeding, etc.) and then from having hard time recovering after D&C (my miscarriage was not complete after 4 pills). I was more emotionally drained from being worried that my miscarriage is not complete and worried about the surgery complications.
You said that you did amnio with your pregnancy, how painful was that procedure? What did it feel like (similar to what) if you can remember?
On another note, did your husband really want this last pregnancy? My husband is really happy with three kids, he was actually happy with two, but now he loves our youngest, but does complain that he is getting older (he is also 40 like me) and running after our toddler does wear him out and he would rather spend time with older kids or on his own (workout or read a book). I think if he was as excited as me about having another child, it would be very different for me to make this decision. He is also really worried that something can happen to me while we try for another pregnancy due to complications that come with age. I am somewhat scared also, because someone needs to raise my 3 kids 🙂
If I only knew that I can have a healthy next pregnancy, I would do it again. But if I knew that I need to go through a few more miscarriages or pregnancy complications, I would not try and just move on.
Another interesting fact is that my aunt had her last child at age 42 just like you and she is now 55, her daughter is 13, and my aunt told me a while ago to be done with having kids before age 40 because she feels that her overall health suffered from last pregnancy. But she has never been active in the past, so I don’t know if it is just a reason she came up with or this is a true fact. She does sound like you, and I actually trust you both, but I find it hard to convince myself that I will feel much older in 10 years (I guess being 30 and 40 feels similar to me, just slightly different). But perhaps starting or going through menopause makes women very tired?
Lastly, when you say it is hard to raise 15 year old teens at your age, can you be specific on what is hard? I have a 13 year old son (my oldest), so far I think he is pretty easy, in fact very helpful kid with my toddler and house chores, but maybe this will change in a few years…?
If you have any thoughts on my writing, please let me know.
Thank you so much!
Lana
Hi there, the amnios were not sore physically but I found it all terribly upsetting and stressful. My teenagers can be a handful, they are very different and bicker a lot. It’s easier in that the work pressures on my husband and I are much less, we have more time and patience and all the experience from the first two kids. But harder in some ways too, we want to get to bed super early, they stay up much later than we would choose… both have some issues of their own. But in truth they are great kids and we love them very much and the house will be so empty and quiet when they leave home. They can also be really funny and good company. We are in lockdown at the moment here in New South Wales and it’s actually good for our family bonding, harsh for the kids though.
Thank you for your comments, Seana!
Lana
Noone regrets having another child. But plenty regret NOT trying to have one.
Oh and…ask The Creator, not some woman on the internet.
What is the difference between having a baby at 37 and 40?? Is there much of a difference between having a 20 year old at 57 than at 60?? I don’t think so. It’s just a psychological role play in your head.
Thanks for this comment, I have been really struggling with the decision & weighing up all the pros & cons, but what you said simply puts it into perspective – you’re only as old as you feel!
You’re so right. Crazy huh. People will have a child at 39yrs but not at 40yrs. Crazy. No difference. Yes its mental
I had my daughter at 38, I’m 42 now. Never wanted a child at all until later, changed my mind about the never plan
My 4 year old is the most gorgeous angel light and I adore her!!! I’m so glad I changed my mind. But I do think she’s giving me a longer life, all the healthy things I do I never did for myself before – stopped smoking, drinking, exercise and be active with her and eat better now too.
Also I don’t really think oh no what about my ‘ retirement’ I will have a beautiful daughter to celebrate as I get older and I did my me time and travel for so long before I had her so I’m definitely not grieving any lost idea of retirement.
I have a bunch of friends my age with kids around the same age. I don’t recommend doing what I did to my younger friends though simply because I got so easily pregnant at 37, and after 35 you just can’t count on that so if they know they want a child I don’t recommend waiting, not that I waited I just changed my mind late.
My sister had her first at 17 so her kids are adults she is enjoying her time now that I had in my twenties – we are in reverse!
My daughter wants kids and I’ll be around to help but I don’t tell her start early ! My mum is nearly 70 and she still rides racing motorbikes! So i figure when she’s a teen she will keep me young in my 50s and on my toes haha, I’ll work out the rest as I go along , if she doesn’t want kids that’s ok
Sometimes late at night I do the sums and think oh I’ll be such as such when she’s such and such but why wish I had a child younger? If I had a kid in my 20’s I would have been a terrible terrible mum- using drugs, unresolved trauma, angry and so poor. No I’m happy I got a good job, I’ve healed my life and I’m not the wreck I was earlier in life.
I also love seeing the world again through her eyes which are so bright and delight in every little thing! It’s like being a kid again, well a happy kid which I wasn’t. My daughter has brought me a love I never knew existed so corny but true.
I loved reading this Jasmine, there are positives too and I really must write an article about all the good things too. Love your enthusiasm and it sure sounds like you come from a lively and long living family!
I had my first child at nearly 41 (circumstances beyond my control) and, after two miscarriages, my second child at 43. Despite all my good intentions, I was just too tired to do all the things I think my kids deserved. Now I’m dealing with menopause, and two teenagers, and it is hard! I am actually older than some of the other kid’s grandmothers, and worry that it’s a source of embarrassment for my own children. I wouldn’t give up my kids for the world, but I will definitely be advising them to start earlier than I did.
We need to talk! Thanks so much for writing this comment, I am in just the same boat and it’s tricky for people to understand that we can embrace the ups AND the downs of being parents.
I’m fortunate to have a partner who has energy enough for the two of us (just watching him with the kids is tiring enough!) so he’s the one kicking the football around the yard, taking them on bike rides etc. I’ve struggled with fitness and weight control since having the kids – my body never forgave me for inflicting it with 4 pregnancies in three years, lol – but I am trying to get back into shape so that I’m not the one left sitting on the verandah, watching them have fun.
I had my first at 41 and second at 43 too, and while it is inevitably hard in many practical ways, I am loving it. I feel grounded in a really important way I never did before. In fact I happened upon this article while musing about the possibility of a third! It is really such an individual thing, as individual as we are and our kids are. The hardest thing I find is a sense of when will I ever get to focus on my personal dreams again type of cc angst, because looking after little kids is so time intensive. If I’d had kids earlier I might had less of that sense of loss as I would believed I’d have time to get back to those things when the kids were older. But on other hand I went into motherhood already having done so many wonderful things in my life so I was well and truly ready to focus on my little ones without resentment.
How lovely to read this, wonderful that you had your two and that you are loving it. Hooray for a happy mumma…. and if you do decide to have a third, please do let us know. It was me going for a third that led to twins at 42!!
Thank goodness for someone with a healthy attitude! It felt very weird to me reading this article and most of the comments! The purpose of life is to learn, improve constantly and contribute to the advancement of humanity in whatever way you can. The goal is not to have your kids and grandkids by certain ages. That might have been the goal for prehistoric man. I feel like I need to read some technical material or literature to purge my mind of this article!
Women- please be supportive of fellow women’s life choices. Don’t bring each other down.
Earlier this year my husband came home from the obstetrics ward – he’s a medical student – and said ‘If we’re serious about that third baby, we should get onto it NOW.” I wanted to put it off till our finances are better (you know, the student bit finished) and we’re closer to support, but he convinced me the baby’s health and my health are impacted – dramatically – by every year. We’re now 13 weeks pregnant, and I’m a little shocked at being ‘high risk’ solely because of my age… and how much more this pregnancy is knocking me around! Thank you for such a great and honest article about such difficult decisions!
I’m going to cry, Kirsty!! Congratulations… you’ll be run off your feet, of course… but that’s motherhood. I find myself delighted to have four children now, and that’s great because it was bloody, bloody hard for a long time too. Thanks for your comment, much appreciated.
You have a great husband. Mine forced me to wait. I wanted kids at 21 yrs he kept putting it off. We divorced then he quickly remarried and had a kid with someone else. Fast forward I met my new husband now at 41 he made me wait to have kids too. Foolishly not considering my future health. I got married at 44yrs he still made me wait because he didnt want a fat wife. Now I’m 46 trying to have kids my first kids. So I had no choice but to wait. I just met men who didnt care for kids.
This is a great post Seana! I also wince when I hear about celebrity pregnancies in their mid to late forties! I do the maths! Thank fully my babes were all born by the time I was 34 and I will be 52 when my twins complete their HSC!!
We need to keep telling kids to have their babies young – it isn’t nearly as much fun to have an old mother or father when you are a kid!
Hello Alisoun, you were so young to have four!! Actually a really good age to have all of yours… not that there’s ever a right time or a time when we are really ‘ready’ especially for twins, heaven help us.
@Seana Smith. I think you’re super lucky to have twins in your 40s. Different people think differently. Age is how you feel. I’m in my 40s but I still shop at Forever 21. I’m really not the typical 40 yr old. My grandmother had her last kid at 47yrs and she saw her grandkids. It all depends. I do think you dont realize how lucky you are to have twins. Plus most people act old. I dont. I have super energy even more than my husband who is 10yrs younger.
Thank you for sharing !! I feel Exactly the same way , I am 40 and will have my first baby in 6 months right before I turn 41. I danced professionally all my life and chose to live out my dreams before settling down , which I do not regret. I also never met the right person until now , my current boyfriend is 6 yrs younger then me and we are a perfect fit . I have been doing cross training my entire pregnancy as well as dance and yoga and I am more physically fit then half the women , half my age in the classes I attend . I do not feel my age , I do not look my age and I never have . People think I am early 30s. I have a lot of energy and take very good care of myself . I believe that it Is a mind set and everyone is unique , depending on how you live your life and take care of yourself and if you choose to let a number determine your capabilities. All women in their 40s are not the same,I believe that things happen in life when they are meant to happen . We should be thankful for it when it does 😉
It’s wonderful to hear that you are expecting your first baby and are feeling terrific. Everyone is different, and everyone’s situation is too. It’s just excellent that your fertility is still good and you sound ready for motherhood in every way. I hope that all goes really well for you xx
I was in the 40s club too. The difference between celebs and us, is that they can afford oodles of help. I would have avoided it if I could have, but you have to play the hand you are dealy I guess.
Carolyn
That’s right… I completely understand why you had that huge urge to have your second. It’s bloomin’ tough to let go off the idea of having more kids if you really want more…. or one. Thank goodness for that sweet little miss of yours.
I’m 45 this year and just found out I’m pregnant I have 7 kids 5 at home youngest 4
Blimey, how are you feeling about it?
“Blimey, how are you feeling about it?”
This response is so loaded you already assume or suggest the woman must or should be miserable because she’s pregnant at 45.
Why not just congratulate her? Or are you so loathing of all women over 40 that you have to treat her shabbily?
I love this post!! I found it searching for having a third baby at age 39/40 which my husband would like but I would not. I think of all these things you are talking about and it reaffirms to me that it’s not a good idea. I do not want to be 40 and pregnant. And while I have a 4 and an almost 2 year old at 38, I do wish to move on from the baby stage.
My family history of women who’ve had babies over 40 isn’t good. All autistic non verbal, still wearing nappies at age 7, 9 and those boys were had at age 43,44. Another cousin had her first baby age 44 but she sadly passed away due to significant heart problems. I just wouldn’t want to put myself through that. I think I’m lucky I have two beautiful healthy girls I had at 34,36 and it’s time to call it a day.
If you could write a post about how to get your husband to have a vasectomy that would be great ?
Hello, you sound pretty definite and that’s a great space to be in. I wish I could help with the old vasectomy situation, but have no wise words. My husband put off having one for ages after our first two boys, he had a referral from the doctors but did nothing with it… then I persuaded him to try for a third (which turned out to be third and fourth, what was I thinking?). After the twins he did get one very sharpish. Good luck!
All I can say is that this post made me sad. I had my first at 35, second at 37. I am really trying hard not to want a third at 39 but it’s so so hard. The pull is so strong. Reading all of this negative realism is really hard. I do feel incredibly sad I didn’t start sooner now that I’m so in love with my babies.
What a great post, I’m off to share it with a couple of friends.
I always said that however many kids I had at 35 would be it. I was lucky enough to have three. My husband is desperate for another child, but that’s not a possibility after the last pregnancy almost killed me (literally). Even if I was able to go through another pregnancy I wouldn’t. I’m stretched to my limits as it is.
I look at some friends who are in their mid-thirties and still just thinking about kids and I want to give them a big shake.
I wrote in the post before about a friend of mine who was 40 and just wanted to finish a reno before trying…!!??!! Actually she does have a family now, which is great… and bloody lucky. Three is plenty! I just heard of a family going for a fourth and now pregnant with twins – yikes!
Regarding your last comment about people over 40 and waiting- I know a woman age 41 who has been married since 29, and they keep putting it off because they think they have heaps of time. She tells me “look Janet Jackson had a baby at 50!” “Cameron Diaz had a baby at 47” I’m like yeah but they most likely used donor eggs, and Cameron def used a surrogate so if you want your own biological kids you should start now!!
I feel like celebrities being dishonest or not open about how they created their families are doing a disservice to women. If my friend waits until she’s 47-50 I fear it will be too late for her.
I agree!!
I agree Seana. I know quite a few women who have tried very hard later in life to have kids, suffering several failures along the way. I know a couple who ended up adopting after 7 years of IVF failures and ended up regretting that decision.
I didn’t think about kids until I discovered to my enormous surprise that I was pregnant (age 30), I was so focussed on trying to achieve something extraordinary in the corporate world of publishing (I know, I’ve since thought better of that).
It’s possible I might have carried on trying to work my way further up the ladder and not realised I wanted kids until too late. Luckily they barged their way into my life earlier.
Oh, same here… I got pregnant accidentally when I was 32, and thank God never before that. I quite admire my eldest, he fought his way through two forms of contraception to be here today. I was so lucky as I was happy to be pregnant as it turned out… we must chat through those early days sometime.
I’m 36 and currently pregnant with no 2 (3rd pregnancy, 2nd child hopefully!). I had hoped to start baby making earlier but life got in the way. I really wish we hadn’t left it as late as we did.
We take longer to make babies than the average couple which really does my head in. Trying to conceive is not much fun at all. Our first pregnancy ended in a late miscarriage at 21 weeks which was the most devstating experience of my life. I already know that if all goes well with this pregnancy we won’t be going back for a third. I’d be pushing 40 by then and I couldn’t face the heartbreak of losing another baby.
I agree that it’s best to start baby making earlier but also realise that sometimes you don’t meet you life partner until later in life. Start earlier if you can people!
How terrible to have lost that first baby, how life-changing. Wishing you all the very best with this pregnancy. Trying to conceive is no fun at all, I promised myself I wouldn’t get obsessed but I did at times. What a relief when it’s all over.
I agree with Alison, such an open honest post Seana, you are blessed to have your children. I had my first at 27 and my second at 30. Am now in my early 50’s and have tolerance 0. xxx Rae
I have been lucky to have all these kids and these days I am quite comfy with having four… but that’s since they’ve all been at school. I really have struggled, I’m no natural. Thanks for your thoughts.
I have been with my husband since 16 and we married at 23. Why my first child was born when I was 35 and the 2nd at 38 I cannot tell you! Total madness. I constantly wonder what I was thinking. I’m so tired now at 42. I am not the mother I thought I’d be. I’m exactly the same as you. I constantly advise 2 things to young girls. First, like you, have your children young and my second is do a vocational degree, something with a clear job identity, like nurse, accountant etc because getting back into the workplace is so much easier. Especially part time work that pays ok!!
Now that is a really good point, about a vocational degree… there’s A LOT to be written about that… I was a TV producer, a glorious career that fell apart as soon as I had my first son. Some women do manage to work in TV with families but it’d never have worked for us… even without any disabilities.
Oh there’s a whole post to be written about that. Good points and thanks for adding your thoughts to the conversation, much appreciated.
I had my first at 27 and second at 30. I was tired as hell and wasn’t the mother I thought I would be. I’m putting my self back together, now in my forties.
Ok this Mum of Six has to have her say! I had my 6th at 42. We conceived first try (as were all the others). I have one fallopian tube after an ectopic preg at 33). It never hindered us. We had healthy pregnancies and all the children are healthy and normal. My only problem was antibodies in the last pregnancy from a blood transfusion I had when I was having my first at 29.
I am a complete advocate for late pregnancies if you desire a child! I didn’t stop for a second and rethink my choice to have one at 42. I am THRILLED I had her! In fact if Hubby were still keen (which he isn’t)! I would have had more!
I am 43 now and the only reason I would stop is that I have had 5 sections now and that’s really probably enough. It wouldn’t stop me if he gave the go-ahead!
My mother had me at 42. She is 83 now. She is independent and happy in her own home.
There are many things in place for the elderly in the community and being the independent soul she is, she is happily using them all to her amusement!
I don’t care how old I will be as my kids grow. I just don’t live like that. I don’t look or feel my age and people are usually shocked when I tell them.
My husband had the opposite experience entirely. His mum was preg with him at 19. Ended up having an affair after another child and left his Dad! There are so many reasons NOT to have a child younger! At least older parents are settled, better educated and wealthier.
It’s personal choice. If you want a baby, don’t over think it, just do it!
Its very true that older parents are more settled and I’d have been an awful (more awful!) mum in my twenties. You have fab genes! I hope I will be like your mum, hale and hearty in my 80s and enjoying life as much as ever. Here’s to that and to things going well for people who do have kids older.
Just adding my 2 cents. I had my first at 18. Second at 24. I am now almost 36, oldest will finish High School next year and be grown. Did I have my struggles? Sure. However, oldest is secure in who she is. Been on honor role for 3 out of 4 yrs of High school, has a job, loves her life and independence. I am not sorry. I am sorry my first memory of having her in my arms in public was that someone would try to take her from me because she couldn’t possibly be mine. Older Moms won’t have that. It made me grow into my responsibility to her. For sure. And now? I’m not yet 40, and get to look forward to a long time being around for her. I wouldn’t trade that. It is not about financial resources after a point. It is about parenting. The end. Kids grow well enough without being spoiled. Mine have. They are amazing. And yes, in the meantime I’ve completed a Ph.D. program. So now I get to spend my 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond traveling, showing them the world. Which is beyond worth the sacrifice of having them very young.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I am 55 now and my kids are 22, 19 and twins are 13. I am very concerned, especially for my oldest who has special needs… what if I die at 70, who will look after him, or even 80!! You sound more like my mum who had four kids by 29, and she had 30 years of life after kids, which I must say were probably her best years, I’m sure she would have agreed. Mum died in January and I miss her every day and am glad I was mature when she passed away… I have to live until I am 100 for my kids!
Hello Jody – I totally agree with you. I had my babies at 36, 37 and 39. Sure, I wish I had them earlier, but it is quite useless to wish such a thing. I am tired, but I recall being tired in my 20s as well. The only difference now is that I don’t have time to nap like I used to. For those that believe energy decreases so drastically as they age, here’s something that helps: exercise and eating well.
You are 100% correct there Carol. I look after myself a lot better than I used to and at just 50 feel good. Sleep is the biggest key for me. Having children, especially my twins, made me learn the importance of early nights. I don’t want to be a grump, shouty mother and it’s up to me to take care of myself so I am not. Eating well is really good too and so is exercise… I’m in my gym stuff now!!
I have to be honest though and say that having all the kids at school makes everything so much easier… I work from home so if I’m really whacked or ill, I can have a nap, which is something you just cannot do with wee kids at home, however ill or tired you are. Thanks for visiting and for sharing your thoughts.
I applaud you
Thanks Jody! I LOVE your positive post. It’s the best so far. My grandmother and great aunt had kids at 47yrs and 46yrs and they were healthy and great. Both lived till thier 90s so their kids never suffered. If you want kids dont let the over 40 barrier scare you. Especially if you look young, have alot of energy, etc.
thank you so much for this great comment! i totally agree. follow your heart ??
I got quite weepy reading this. Those hormones… but I was thinking what a great Mum you are telling your kids that because I totally agree with you. Then I got to the bit where your daughter says you’re mean. Such a typical parenting moment.
If I could do it again I’d have the kids earlier too. Get it over and done with 😉
Aaarrghhh… it’s never going to be over…!! I just love feeling free and that’s the basis of what makes life hard as a mum… we have to find our wee bits of freedom where we can. Reading travel stories is a great way to have a wee mental holiday. Will be popping over to read your Zimbabwe posts very soon.
I would have loved to have had children at a young age but I didn’t meet the right person until my early 30’s. Glad I got to experience life before I had kids. There are pros and cons to both sides
Very, very true, there are pros and cons … I would have been a TERRIBLE parent in my 20s… really awful. I shudder to even think of it. Life is never black and white.
Heh Soshi, great post. You know now that I’ve had my kids at 39 and 41 I think it would have been nice to have had them younger – i.e. about 32 and 35 but that’s not how my life went. but you know I am such a better Mum now than I would have been then – I needed all those years to get my head sorted out so I could at long last stop the pattern of mad/bad/dangerous guys and meet my very lovely husband. I’m just grateful that I had the chance to have kids and luckily for me how easy it was to conceive. KNACKERED though!
Yes, it took me a long while too to get my head around what sort of a fella was good for me. Not the mad bad and dangerous to know type, the sensible souls who is there for the long haul (we hope!) Yes, you were lucky with that fertility… and I know you know how lucky. Knackered is the word… am off to bed right now myself.
This is so interesting, Seana and you’ve raised so many issues. I had my first two children in my 20’s but then found out I was pregnant at 38 with my little guy being born at 39. I know how you feel about having them young and having them old! My sister in LA just turned 47. She is 39 weeks pregnant and we’re waiting to hear news of the little arrival. She didn’t plan her pregnancy however always wanted more than one child (she had her first at 43 due to not being able to find a man – that’s another issue about men wanting to have fun and not settle down leaving women who do want to marry and have children, high and dry). Anyway…as I was saying… we have this new baby coming into the family which can only be good news however children born to parents of this age are most likely to never even know their grandparents, let alone have grandparents around to help them. It’s certainly an interesting topic but with children not graduating from uni until their mid 20’s, being lumped with a huge debt from studying, that ‘play the field’ mentality before you ‘settle down’, I just can’t see too many of this generation having children at a young age. xx
Yes, so much to ponder and be concerned about for our own children. I must talk more to the boys about this… just give them a few top tips… not that they listen to a word I say (or at least they claim they don’t.)
I really regret that my kids never had their extended family around them, and would love them to have the benefits of willing grandparents.
Hi Seana, I feel so conflicted by what you’ve written, because while I too have lived the ‘downsides’ of trying to become a Mum over 40, I also now live the daily joy and amazement that becoming a Mum at 46 to twins has given me. And the pluses outweigh the negatives a million times over, because many of the things you mentioned – how much energy you have, how much family you have around etc… well, if you’re overweight and 25 with parents who were ill or passed young, it’s the same! It’s not exclusive to older parents. And I never cared for being a childless grey nomad… give me a house filled with children’s laughter (or whinging) any day. I stared down the barrel of a childless future for a lot longer than many do. Only met hubby at 39, married at 40, miscarriages at 41 and 42, then 10 long heartbreaking rounds of IVF from 43 to 45 which included a miscarriage – I know what it’s like to see a flickering heartbeat fade away to nothing. Then, hubby and I did something that uplifted our souls and gave us this new amazing chapter of our lives… we went on a ‘baby safari’ to Cape Town as we playfully describe it and sought a beautiful young egg donor to help us create our family. And what a happy ending it has been. We met some incredible people, and it took me to places emotionally and literally that I never thought I’d go to. So, I type this now with my 2 year old twins sleeping quietly beside me. And I just don’t ever think about AGE. I instead think about the STAGE I am at…. and that is a devoted, happy, overworked, sometimes knackered desperately proud and grateful mother of twins who can now drive past a school or playground or look at friends’ baby photos… and not feel heartache. Instead, I get excited! Do I wish I’d started earlier and hadn’t had to drain the bank balance and scrape the bottom of the emotional barrel for many years on end? Absolutely. Would I do it again if it was the only way to get the same result? Absolutely. Of course I tell all my friends have babies young(er) if they get the chance to avoid making IVF doctors any richer than they already are, but life just doesn’t always work out that way! But I also recommend study, career and travel, travel, travel before you do pop out bubs because all of that becomes a hell of a lot harder as you know apres children. I love being an older Mum though, I am content, mature, I can handle it… I dont miss the corporate jungle… and my parents are still young enough and healthy enough to enjoy their young grandkids…. OK, I’ll stop now… got to get some sleep before the morning’s Peppa Pig session 🙂 x
Blimey, what a journey you have had and how fantastic that you have twins, two little people. I just found myself nodding all the way through as I read your comment. So very glad that you have your family now, safe and sound, a happy outcome after going through the fires you did. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thanks Seana! A boy and a girl no less! Hopefully they won’t mind that Mama has wrinkles when I drop them off at school… but I know I’ll embarrass them in many other ways throughout the years… surely that’s our job?
Very well said Seana!!
Your story took a lot of guts. I had my last at 37 after 3 years of IVF and miscarriages. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
I am also so much tireder with my little ones than I was with the older ones.
Me too! I was piggybacking the twins around this evening and wrestling with them – my poor old knees. They have no idea the pain they put me through. I thought I was having my first menopausal hot flush, but it was just the effort of carrying a big 7 year old upstairs!
Late 20s sounds great… (mind whirrs as I calculate how old I’ll be when Teens are that age…) I remember a friend of mine saying: ‘DO EVERYTHING you want to before you have kids..’ and I really had no idea what she was talking about… and now I SO do.
Hey Seana
There’s an 18 year gap between my brother and me. My mum had my brother when she was 20 and in her first marriage in the late 1950s. She was an “abandoned wife” by the time my brother was six months old.
By the time my mum married for the third time, at the ripe old age of 36 to a man (my dad) 10 years her junior, she really thought she was done with kids. Of course the younger husband wanted to be a dad.
My mum was 38 when she had me and 40 when my sister was born. In the 1970s that was OLD!!! My sister and I were oddities amongst our friends to have such an old mum.
My mum complained about it all the time which really had a bad effect on me in particular. I felt unwanted. That she only had us for my dad. She was embarrassed, I think, and really didn’t want to be a mum at that age. She wanted a career and a life outside of having children. She loves us and always has but knowing all my life that having us seemed a condition of her marriage to my dad has always made me feel sad.
I always wanted to get married and have a family. My drug and alcohol addictions I became wedded to in my 20s and early 30s didn’t make me for an attractive wife but when I did accidently fall pregnant at 33, despite being drug/alcohol addled and extremely depressed I thought this would be my only chance at children. I divorced the addictions and have since given my life to raising my boy, who will turn 5 years old not long after I have my 39th birthday in 11 days.
I don’t know if I’ll ever meet Mr Right, and I mourn the fact I’ll probably never have another child (I struggle so much with one) but I’m so glad that I kept my “accident” and didn’t wait for the RIGHT time or the right dad to have kids.
I have a lot of single friends in their late 30s and 40s who keep waiting. I tell them to go it alone if they really want to have kids. Get a donor sperm if they have to. One friend waited until she was 46!!! Mr Right never came, three IVF cycles and a shitload of cash later and she’s childless and heartbroken.
Despite being almost 39, I am one of the younger parents at our daycare. I think times have definitely changed and women who have kids in their late 30s and early 40s are not so strange as they were in the 70s. But the physical challenges are still there.
My mum hates that now at 77 yo, despite being in good health (and looks great too!) she can’t pick up my baby niece who is (22 months old now). When my sister has her second child it will be even harder.
So I agree with you. If being older mum is hard. Being an older nanna is even harder.
Sorry I’ve written an essay! But this issue is close to my heart.
Great post. Thank you.
Thanks so much for this, and I’m sorry it took a while to get up on the blog properly. Over zealous spam. So many good points, and you clearly understand your mum even though it must have been tricky at times and sometimes hurtful when you were little.
I do try to curb my tongue with the twins a lot and NOT say… ‘I can’t I’m too old…’ and I do do lots of boisterous play with them. It’s the facts of our lives though, I am older, an ideal age to be a youthful granny! Of all the problems that families can have, ours are pretty minor.
I would have so loved the kids and I to have a grandparent around to love and to love us all, ours are so so far away. It’s terrible and I am full of regret. But again these are the facts of our lives. My father’s lifelong addictions drove his daughters away – we had to save ourselves. His drinking killed him in the end and he was in a sorry state, poor man.
I have my own demons and the drink is one of them. I’ve been off alcohol all year and feel so much better for that, mentally as well as physically. We have a lot to talk about at the next bloggy conference.
Thanks so much for persevering and for sharing your story.
Well done on the 1 year sober milestone. It just easier from here.
We will definitely have to catch up at the next bloggy conference.
Re comments – I’m having trouble commenting on a lot of WordPress sites. I’m a slackarse commenter at the best of times and here I am, doing my bit, and my comments won’t come through. The universe is against me this week.
:>)
This one worked!!
Thanks for this post. I had my two boys now teenagers in my early to mid 20’s & so thankful as its so exhausting.
I have not been the most energetic parent due to back problems & health. This causes me to cringe at the thought of having babies & young kids after mid 30’s but if you are super healthy or its your only option then I know I’d even put myself through it.
My ex-husband was an only child to parents aged 36 & we have lived firsthand the impact of older grandparents starting at 69/70. However on the flip side my boys have experienced caring or putting up with grandparents only 10-15 yrs. younger than great-great parents (my grandparents) deal with dementia, deaths etc.
My children too Seana have not escaped the genetic whirlpool of ASD/ADHD. It is very challenging plus sometimes an ADHD ODD etc early years diagnoses may in fact turn out to be a ASD one mildly in disguise. My 17 yr old went many years until 12 with full on everything till ASD dx explaining the resulting behaviours.
If I had waited I might not have spectrum kids but then I have grown so much by my experiences, have grey hairs coming as I approach 40 this year & await my eldest’s 18th in Jan!
My eldest states he’s not having kids till he’s in his 30’s I cringe but him being mild ASD its better than younger. Plus he’s seen firsthand an older father & grandparents & a ‘not as old mother’ that’s not able to do everything so I don’t have a great argument/position in convincing him the otherwise. I will however start stating facts like fertility & risks.
Thanks for the post.
Thanks for reading Angela and for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I love your term ‘genetic whirlpool,’ that sounds so right. I think you were wise to get going 10 years before I did… my son with ASD turns 17 in a couple of weeks, and I just turned 50… and the twins will soon be 8. It’s madness!! But like you, I have grown and learned through my experiences, and am a much better mum than I would have been: look for the silver linings. My son at 17 is pretty happy and busy, so glad he has two years at school still as I am sure that we will all miss the structure school gives him.
Good to hear from you.
Alas some of us have no choice. I finally gave up on meeting someone when I hit 41 and then I tried (unsuccessfully) off and on via assisted means (obviously using donor sperm at $900/pop) to get pregnant until I was about 44.5.
One of my best friends was in a similar situation. Finally met someone at 40, married at 41-42 and then spent several years trying get get pregnant (IVF) and miscarried several times before deciding to use donor eggs. She just gave birth to her first child at 45.
Another of my friends was the same… Didn’t meet anyone til in her 40s then did IVF and was unsuccessful.
People who find a partner in their thirties are very lucky to get that early start!
Yes very true. It’s totally understandable why so many of us do try to have babies in our 40s. And it’s hard going on everybody and hardest for those who don’t end up with children. Painful. I was lucky to meet my husband when I was 31 – seems very young now.
I’m a 41 year old mom of 3 girls ages 15, 13 and almost 9. My first pregnancy at 24 was a blighted ovum, my oldest daughter had a birth defect that led to open heart surgery. We were told it was a random gnenetic fluke until after we were pregnant with our second two years later. I did everything right with my first born and was so healthy and had natural childbirth with no interventions. After she was born I realized I couldn’t control everything and tried epidural second time around and it caused all kinds of problems, stopped labor and nearly killed us both! I was 28 by then and 31 when my third daughter was born complication free and healthy but for a small hole in her heart (by then they decided it could be a genetic link) but it grew back I consequentially and they are all healthy beautiful girls. Despite having two strong, health conscious parents my girls lost their dad to a glioblastoma brain cancer. He was 41 and it was one year ago. as a news photographer and volunteer for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep I’ve seen many tragedies in lives of every age. Now I know that what is important is living the life we are given and finding the blessings along the way. Mostly letting go of the illusion that we can control it. I now know life deals so many things we cannot control and it is a waste for any of us to live with regret or think another way would have been better. Almost a year ago I lost my husband after watching him suffer the most hellish end. I’ve seen many families of all ages and walks lose babies. And yet I feel blessed with what I had and what I will have. Forgive yourselves and relax and embrace the gifts in your unique circumstances. We all have loss and regret no matter the choice so find peace with who you are and find your joy without dwelling on what you can’t change. We only get one life and each is so very different; we cannot judge nor advise.
Hello Seanna, thanks so much for getting in touch. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your husband. And I completely agree with your ideas that we all need to embrace the life we are given … and that judgement is not helpful … and giving advice too in so many ways.
Three years ago our beloved next door neighbour lost his life to cancer, a devoted husband and father of three young children. His death had and continues to have a profound effect on we neighbours and friends… for me, I learned that life is not in our control and that terrible things happen, that we must keep talking about people who die… and that life is to be lived each day, never taken for granted.
From your Australian near namesake, Seana xxxx
… And yet I feel immensely blessed with what I’ve had. Wishing that for all of you.
Thank you so much for your Post Seanna 🙂
I searched online for anything online to help me justify my recent decision and thankfully came across your page. I am grateful to you as it has helped me in a way with my grief.
My story : I married and had my two Daughters at 24 and 26 , beautiful healthy girls , great pregnancies and births … lucky me !
Sadly my husband and I divorced and after 15 years being a single mom I met an amazing man 11 years older than me . We moved in together with our 4 kids ; my two now 17 and 15 and his 16 and 14 . Life gets slightly complicated as a blended family and we are both pretty busy but we’re looking forward to the kids now growing up and retirement within the next 5 or so years.
Mother Nature however had other plans and at 41 I went to the doctor thinking I was going through menopause , surprise of my life finding out I was in fact pregnant .
Of course a part of me was happy ; but fear gripped hold of me as I started to ponder the reality of our situation . My partner would be 53 when the baby was due and I would be 42.. what about our teens and how embarrassed and shocked and disgusted they would be …. our friends who were all free like us with teens and having to start again when we thought we were near the finish line… I was also reminded by many that the risks to myself and baby were so much higher and having to wait until 12 weeks pregnant to find out if an abnormality was picked up , scared me so much. What about the other disabilities they can’t pick up in testing , how would I cope with a disabled child in my later life ?
My partner was supportive; but was certain a baby was not what he expected at his age and that he never felt he had toddler energy anymore. He would also be almost 70 when baby was 17 …
A few agonising weeks went by and we made the very heartbroken decision to terminate . Its been two weeks now and I am still going through immense grief and loss .
I don’t know if I made the right choice ; but I will never truely know now .
lots of love to all the women out there who face any difficult choices related to motherhood
Thanks Again
Kirsty
Oh Kirsty, thank you so much for sharing your story here. I really do feel for you and am sending you so much love. Life just isn’t simple and none of our decisions are black or white, there’s nothing right or wrong alone. Decisions are made, and then we have to live with the good parts and the bad parts. I am sure you will feel up and down, regret and relief, for the rest of your life. But the decision is made and there are many reasons to be comfortable with it.
My husband has just been made redundant this week, and here we are with four kids, twins are only 10… we’ll be 60 when they are 18. If we hadn’t had them, just had the older boys, this redundancy wouldn’t be too worrying at all, perhaps. So at our stage of life we still have so many responsibilities and for so much longer. Our lives are about to change a lot. But here we are and we need to get on with it.
Pregnant here… unplanned and 46 years old… so trust me… I know how you feel! It has been a hard road with mixed emotions. My baby has Down syndrome and I am now 31 weeks pregnant. Not how I planned things… but trying to embrace this new challenge ahead. I could not even fathom aborting my child. I could not live with the guilt. I have considered adoption…. but that just doesn’t feel right for us either…. I have so much respect for the women who have given up their unwanted babies for adoption. I am not strong enough to do it. I pray you are able to heal from the emotional pain of your termination. My heart breaks for you. I didn’t start having kids until I was 31 – too interested in my career at the time. I conceived naturally at 42 and again at 46. This last one was entirely unplanned and unexpected. We both will have to live with our choices for the rest of our lives.
Thank you for sharing your story, Sharon, what a lot of things you have going on and you have had to think through so much, and perhaps to reply on your gut instincts too. I remember dreaming about being pregnant again and deciding that adoption would be the best thing, but not being able to do it. Just a dream though. Very best wishes as you continue along on your journey with your new baby who I am sure will bring great joy.
Dear Seana
Thank you so much for your reply 🙂 I really hope my post can help someone as much as yours has helped me. I am comforted by your words and appreciate your understanding and non judgment of me . I am so sorry to hear about your situation right now and really hope that things work out financially for your family.
I know that love doesn’t pay the bills; but as parents we are blessed with something money can’t buy 🙂 Sending you and your family much love from NZ.
Thanks again
Kirsty
Oh wow Kirsty ~ your story is so similar to mine. I have just recently made the same heartbreaking decision. I found Seana’s post has helped me immensely too. We made our decision based on what our heads were telling us, but it has been such an emotional few weeks. I feel so raw.
Thank you both, for sharing.
Thank you for your story Kristy. I have had similar circumstances. The grief will change and hormones are a bit crazy afterwards. Its not easy but it’s the best decision at that moment for you and you can now concentrate on your older kids more if they need it.
Hi Seana, thank you for your post and comments. I am about to turn 39 and have a 3yo girl and a 6mo boy. Yes I am completely blessed, and still I find myself contemplating that third child, much earlier than I contemplated the second. Partially this is to do with my relationship being less than satisfactory. I wonder if it will be possible to have a third, and whether we will stay together or whether I will go it alone (and all of the scenarios – good and bad – that may go with that). Also when I was young a fortune teller told me I could have up to 3 children, and I guess I’ve got it in my head and heart… Like you I will encourage my children to have children younger than I did. It’s so funny how I can see all the reasons for this now, and yet it didn’t worry me at all until I realised the necessity and enrichment of the family support unit after having my daughter, but particularly after having my colicky son. My mother had me – an only child – at 40 in 1977. Back then it was very uncommon. She has been a great support but does not live nearby, and will be 80 next year so cannot help me as she would dearly like to. I should be helping her! It is much harder and relentless without that village. I certainly feel my age in the middle of the night when I have to get up and breastfeed, and as I said to my partner (50) our children could well be bringing their partners home this Christmas if we had had them young! But life didn’t go that way for me, as it hasn’t with many who have replied here. I knew I wanted children at 28, but didn’t meet my partner until I was almost 33, and then it took nearly 2 years of trying to conceive our daughter, so I was almost 36 when she was born. I had a blighted ovum inbetween our children, and we also separated for a while, so there is nearly a 3 year gap between J and her brother. All of that aside my children bring me SO much joy. My father died at 57 (cancer) and I agree with Seanna that you don’t know what your lot will be in life, so just get on with it. I have friends that had children young and those children have life-threatening issues. I know young parents that have discovered crippling degenerative illnesses in themselves which can be hereditary to their children. My mother herself gave birth to a healthy little girl at 40 while the 17 year old in the bed next to her had a DS baby. Life can be cruel and it is certainly not fair. We have to take joy where it comes, and not live in fear. I hope your financial situation improves as I know well how stressful that is.
Though I agree with a FEW things that you and the respondents say, this subject can come across as being mean and one-sided. I naturally conceived and had my 1st child at 40 after thinking that I would could not have children.
I was raised by my mother’s parents and had lost my mom and grandmom on my mom’s side at early ages except for my grandfather who passed away at the age of 92 the year before I had my daughter. All of my parents on my father’s side had passed three years before that. I don’t have any brothers and sisters and felt like I had no one after losing my grandfather.
However six months later I conceived my daughter. I wasn’t a healthy woman in my twenties and thirties. I ended up weighing over 432 pounds at one point in life. I was a diabetic, had high blood pressure, high cholesterol, Bone & Joint issues, ect. But after having weight loss surgery at the age of 37, at 40 I was in better condition because I no longer had those comorbidities.
My pregnancy was healthy, even though my daughter came three weeks, early she was healthy, and yes you are tired but my issue is working a lot of hours, and still attending college, and time maintenance. Let me add that I am also a single mother. My daughter is happy, smart, and is just like any other child. I may not be able to run and turn flips or whatever because I have an injured left knee but it doesn’t stop me from taking her to the zoo, to parks, to playlands and things like that where she can still enjoy herself and I can still engage with her.
I still desire to have another child. Now, I will agree that if it hasn’t happened by the time I am 43, I will not try again but I would never discourage anyone who has not had any children or who has only one child to not have one in their forties. I believe that God is in control of every pregnancy and He will take care of every baby and mum.
Like I said I had my grandfather until he was 92 years old and I was 39 years old. He was my father. He raised me with my grandmother and Mom since birth until my grandmother died at the age of 17. It was just he and I. My daughter has been a blessing and I cannot imagine my life without her. I have friends who are in their forties and have not had children yet but have that desire. I could never say these things to them that I have read on here.
No we are not rich people, but I don’t know anybody younger who has any more money now than they will when they are older unless they are already rich or have a very high income. I don’t think anyone planning to make less money as they get older. So that was an unfair comment as well about what older people shouldn’t have children. You should be in a better Financial position when you’re older than you are when you were younger.
Like I said, in some of these posts and in this article, there were some good points made but there are some very healthy forty year olds in this world and people who are more mature and more settled who can handle the challenges that comes with being a parent.
I apologize for the typos! I am using voice dictation
This was a wonderful post. Thank you for your honestly! I feel silly leaving a comment years after you posted this, but I couldn’t help myself.
I find myself pregnant (naturally) at 41 and by the time I have the baby, I will be 42. I have two teens (one with ASD/ADHD in high school) and a step child who is 8 but I don’t have a biological child with my husband. I am terrified as this was not planned. Meds weakened my birth control. Needless to say, I have some of the same sentiments that you had.
I have just been able to find balance in the home life that we have and I fear adding another will complicated it all. My husband and I are blessed with 3 children already. We have successfully blended our family. We travel, and date and have time to be the best partners, parents and people we can be because we have balance.
Being older pregnant and raising a child seems crazy! And to top off being “high risk” because of age, I have a few medical issues which the doctors say may complicate things. Now I am faced with moving forward with all of those challenges or terminating the pregnancy with good reason (health) The docs say that I must consider both although it is ultimately my decision.
Now I am doing research and soul searching as I am lost and terrified at making the right or wrong decision 🙁
Hello Laila, you are certainly not the only woman to find yourself in this situation, others have left comments and emailed me direct too. What a dilemma… and there’s no right answer and no wrong one either. Each decision has it’s pros and cons… I wish you well in making your decision and then in going forward. Very tricky when you have a child with ASD already too, as stats are higher with older parents, esp dads…. My son with ASD is almost 21 and our twins coming along meant so much less time to assist him, and less patience with him too and I am sad for him for that. What can we do in life though? We make the best decisions we can at the time, and then live with their ups and downs… and self recriminations and ‘what ifs” are totally banned.
I so appreciate the response and the support! How are you doing on your journey so far? I’m sure everyone would love an update…..
You are correct. This is indeed very tricky for me as and my husband and I must consider the family as a whole. I romanticize the idea of having this biological child with my husband but I fear the challenges that will come. Especially the health risks for myself and the baby. Just a year ago I was in the hospital getting blood transfusions and several procedures done because of an ongoing health issue. Now pregnant?? An you are SO CORRECT about the patience with my oldest ASD child. He is doing so well with the support he is getting from us now. He’s thriving in his school environment and has made great strides since first diagnosed. But it takes work to keep him on track. A LOT of work and money (we pay for a supplemental program to assist him in school) How will having a baby change my support of my first born? How fair is this to him? How will this change my marriage? Do I have the energy? Will this cause further damage to my health? Will I be well enough to take care of a new baby and my existing children? Will I be emotional if I don’t move forward and have a biological child with my husband? Does a biological child even matter when you have already built a beautiful family with 3 beautiful children??
So much to think about! 🙁
I thank you again for starting the conversation and being transparent. One never knows who or where their experiences and words will touch. You have surely touched me and my story and you have definitely giving me things to ponder.
Any other advice or wisdom you can impart will be greatly appreciated!
I’m the one writing years later too! I wish I could have had children earlier in life as I planned but it wasn’t in my cards. My husband and I met at 19, got married at 24, then started trying at 28. We tried for 2 years and then found out my husband had a micro y deletion and could never have children. We were beyond devastated and we were in a holding pattern because we didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want kids but I really wanted them and adoption was something we couldn’t afford so after 3 years (now age 33) we decided to do sperm donor. We tried for over a year, then were told we needed IVF. We had to save for over a year for IVF, now age 35. It didn’t work as my eggs never grew so then we went to a new doctor where we did IVF again where they only had one small viable egg. After the procedure, I was told I had premature ovarian reserve and I had 10% chance of conceiving and the embryo didn’t take. To start something at 28 and people telling you, you needed to hurry and have kids when they had no clue what we were going through was devastating. Now both my husband and I would never have biological kids, we started researching adoption because by now we both had gone on and got our Masters degrees and were making good money so we could afford it. Our doctor said we could find a sperm and egg donor and I could still conceive for half the cost of adoption. At 36, I had 2 embryos inserted and had healthy boy/girl twins at 37. We have one more embryo that we will use this year at age 39. I wish my circumstances were different and we tried early. I’m embarrassed that I’m older but don’t tell people I started young because it’s not their business. It drives me nuts to hear people say, “I’m glad I had mine young,” as they see me with my beautiful kids. I wish I could have but I’m so thankful for what I have and couldn’t imagine my life any other way. I just hope people read this and understand that it’s not always our decisions to have kids older and to be kind to older moms because you don’t know their struggles of how they became a mom or when the struggle started. I sometimes worry about how old I’ll be when they’re a certain age but I have the same energy I had almost 11 years ago when we started trying. I have to accept and be happy for what I have and avoid social stigma and when my son or daughter want to have kids (if they want kids) I will support them with the age choice of having kids or if they don’t want kids. I may tell my daughter to freeze her eggs early :). I’ll tell them my journey and let them know I wouldn’t have changed it even if I had the choice of now having my own biological children because they are such a gift that I know were waiting to be born when we finally made our decision. Many women having kids later in life was not my choice and others must be understanding and empathetic to that circumstance.
Thank you so much for writing, I have tears in my eyes reading your post. You are so right, it’s not all about older parents. You have been through such a long journey to parenthood. I am so very happy for you that you have children now and happy for them too.
As I wrote before, there’s no black and white in life and we all live in shades of grey. Thank you so much for sharing your story here.
Seana,
Are you certified with any degrees as a doctor/gynecologist or any type health care associate? Or a therapist?
If you answer yes, I can’t imagine they will love this post.
On that note….I would also guess your kids will never want to read this post or any of the comments.
But, that’s all speculation- which is what you’re posting on the internet as of you have answers or are clairvoyant.
When you are gone…how will your children feel about this post?
No qualifications here except my own experience. I must ask the older boys and twins to read this, they are 24, 21 and the twins are 15 so let’s see what they say. It’s just my experience and thoughts, each person who reads it brings their own life experience and story to it.
What’s wrong with never having kids ? Does anyone realize there over 1,000 American children living in foster care ? Provide a home to existing kids that are longing for one rather than stressing out over trying to desperately conceive !
I’m read this article hoping to gain some perspective as to my current situation but I find myself a bit more confused as to how to feel about my current situation:
I am 39 and recently found out I am pregnant (about 7 weeks, as I write.) I have been with my boyfriend (let’s call him Joe) for around 15 years and we always said we were not having children. I convinced myself that it would be wrong of me to have a child for a barrage of reasons. I’d tell myself it’s “because of family history of mental illnesses/addictions” or “the world is already overpopulated, as it is” or “I’ll never make enough money.” That’s just a sprinkling of the reasons I told myself. But that line of thinking begs the question, “why did I need to justify that decision to myself?” I’ll be honest, I dont know myself as much as I wish I did. But deep down, I do know this: there’s a part of me that feels like I do not deserve a happy, normal life, or at least what my ideal of a happy, normal life is – loving husband, 2 beautiful, bright children, and a house with a nice backyard. In my teens and 20s, hated seeing happy, normal ideal families. I resented them because in truth, I was jealous of them. I didn’t have what I considered an ideal family growing up (still don’t.) It took up until about 2 years ago for me to gain this clarity. Two years ago, my father committed suicide. He was an alcoholic, as is my mother. Due to insurance clauses regarding suicides with plans under 2 years old, and regardless of all my protesting and refusing to go, my brothers and mother guilted Joe and I Into moving in to the wretched, unkempt house of my childhood so that she didn’t lose her home. As I predicted, it has been a nightmare. The house has been uncared for For so many years that it’s falling apart left and right. And moving here has caused an immense relationship strain on joe and me – I don’t think he realized how awful it is living with alcoholics. You can warn people til you’re blue in the face but sometimes they need to see it to truly grasp it’s ugliness. I grew up in an alcoholic house and I vehemently resent having to come back for a round 2 living here. Now, having explained that part of the situation, am I a complete shit if I bring a child (likely to be an only child) into the world? And to make the situation even stickier, Joe has now resorted to heavy drinking because living here has proven too much for him psychologically (yes, living with alcoholics can be that bad.) And Joe has and, as he says, always will hate children and never wants any. He said if I have this baby, he wants nothing to do with the kid until he’s about 12 and that I should not expect any help from him in caring for the child. Well, f. Now what? I could raise the kid as a single mother but wouldn’t I already be giving the kid a shitty enough life being as he’d be the only child of low income old parents? We actually had plans to move until this little surprise happened. Unfortunately, having a baby would mean, with or without Joe, that I am stuck in this house indeterminatly, as i cannot afford to move as planned AND have a child. I don’t want to have an abortion. This very realistically could be my last chance for a child. And all I ever really wanted is a normal life. But am I being selfish if I have this baby? I’m depressed that it took so long to see that and doubly saddened by the fact that I have no support from my partner. I am stuck.
Sorry for the rant. I really needed to vent a bit.
I am so so so sorry for your situation. My father was an alcoholic too and so I do understand the horror of living with active drinking. My sisters and I have found Al-Anon very very helpful and continue to do so. There are no right answers at all, your situation sounds very difficult. Glad you had a chance to rant anyway. You deserve a lot of support, whatever you decide.
There is not much of an “age” difference between having children in your late 30’s and early 40’s. Relax and enjoy them.
As someone who was born to older parents, there’s a 10th reason not to have kids at 40:
The children will be taking care of you much sooner than expected. The lives/careers of the kids will be put on hold because of early caregiving.
Unless something unforeseen happens, it’s better to have your kids take care of you AFTER they leave the nest and launch their own lives/careers and not BEFORE.
Even though we got married when I was 24 and he was 31, we selfishly put of having babies. We decided to try when I was 32 and it took 5 years long years before we fell pregnant due to a physiological issue I wasn’t aware of.
So, we had our first when I was 37 and our second when I was 40.
Everyday, I regret leaving having kids till so late for all the reasons you wrote about. If we were younger, I’d have a third baby. Because once I’d had them, I’ve fallen in love with them.
As you have pointed out, one of the main reasons for not having another is I worry if my parents need me, I won’t be able to help and care for them. I also want them to be able to enjoy their grandkids and do things like travel together. Having another baby will push out the time spent in the baby years… My parents are in their early 70s.
Whilst I’m feeling energetically ok with two little ones… I do know I would’ve had more energy if I was younger… And I do think, I may not have enough energy for 3 kids.
I’d worry less about being too old to help them when they have kids. And worry less about leaving them to fend for themselves at a younger age. We all know how much difference having our own parents around makes. My kids don’t have any cousins living in Australia so… each other is all they have. Thankfully, they are both happy and healthy and I pray that they stay this way.
I wish someone had presented these opinions to me when I was in my 20’s selfishly deciding to put off having kids to travel more and work without burden…. Because really, all that can wait a little. Kids grow up quickly and having your own children to love and nurture really is a wonderful gift.
I can really relate to all these things. I was terribly torn when Mum was so unwell and I kept having to leave my husband and kids to help her, it was very upsetting.
I came across this article when I searched for “should i have another baby at 39”. I’m 38 going on 39 this year and have 3-year-old twin girls. We want to try now for a boy, and just yesterday I got a negative pregnancy test. Now I’m left thinking again if we should try again or just be happy with our girls. I also have an autistic brother — my mum had him when she was 40, so I’m also scared that if I want to try for a boy at this age, there may also be an increased risk of that. I’ve always wanted at least 3 children, but you did raise good points in your article. I feel sad, but maybe this is how it’s meant to be.
Hi Louise, I do feel for you. Negative pregnancy tests are so upsetting. Did you know that our oldest son is on the spectrum, he is 22 now. I was 33 when he was born, funny isn’t it. It is the case that there’s a higher risk of ASD when parents are older, especially for older dads, but it’s not a hugely higher risk. There’s mine with the ASD the one I had youngest; it was just the genes he got. Our son is happy and working with support and has a great life. We’ll always support him financially and in all other ways, but he’s a lovely young man and we think he’ll be the one to look after us when we are ancient (if we’re lucky enough to become ancient.)
If only there were easy answers, but there are none when we are dealing with emotional life matters, trying to be rational when really loving babies and our kids is far beyond that. Best wishes as you continue the decisions and all the best with your little girls, who I am sure keep you really busy. Three year old twins are such a laugh, I remember, so much learning going on.
This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen. To shame women for wanting children. I have many friends who have decided to have children in their late thirties and early forties. Children who will be well taken care of financially and emotionally. You are completely tone deaf, and also ignorant to today’s society.
You are 100% entitled to your opinion… there you go…
I am 100% entitled to write my own opinions and to express my thoughts about my own life experience.
This isn’t about shaming women for having kids. This is about women WHO WAIT TOO LONG to have kids.
As someone (late 20s) who was born to older parents and currently stuck taking care of one of them, let me say this. The upbringing won’t mean a thing if the child is slapped with caregiving once he/she grows up. The child ends up staying in the nest longer than expected and will be forced to put his/her life and career on hold.
And it’ll be all the parents fault simply because they felt it was somehow a good idea to wait until their late 30s/early 40s to have kids.
Your comment is provincial and narrow minded. Not everyone has the option to have children early in life. You can’t snap your fingers and find the love of your life. Some people can’t afford children and wait until they are financially stable. Wanting a two parent home and financial stability for your kids is the opposite of selfish.
This can happen early in life too. My friend was born to a woman who was 32. Her mother got brain cancel early and she had to quit her job and stay home with her mother around your age. In her late 20s to early 30s. It’s a terrible hand to be dealt but it isn’t one that you can predict. Stop blaming your parents for giving you life at whatever age they were able.
Who the hell are you to decide what is too long?
Exactly!
Ilove the post and well done on raising your twins and all of your children.
I don’t know if this is conversation is still going but I am 52 years old with 9 and half year old identical twin boys. I met my husband at 41 after finishing an medical degree and at 43 had my twins. Yes being an older mother can mean anxiety pre and post natal, worrying if your too old, how will they be when I’m 60 and their finishing highschool.
i did travel, have a great life before them, and so feel i can give them the wisdom, ability to travel, experience the world and love them as they are. They both have ADHD and it can be challenging but they are so much fun and gorgeous souls that all the bad and sad times are wiped out with a cuddle or hearing their laughter. .
It is a matter of how you feel, weighing the risks-both emotional and also for issues such as high risk for genetic and other issues, pregnancy issues and other risks, but keeping fit and healthy can help.
Not any age is better than the other. Each age offers different influences and upbringings for the children. If you are worried they will be your carer if you can afford it set up for other means or like i say you will live your life not mine. i do not expect them to look after me when i’m older home services or nursing homes are for that.
Being older does not mean being a “dead weight for them” and if someone asks me if i’m their granny I just look smile and keep on going!
Interesting reading all these stories, thank you for all the honesty & understanding. I’ve had children when I was 18ys, 25yrs (two boys to my first husband) then 3rd when I was 35 (1st girl with 2nd husband) this was to be my last. I find myself at almost 41yrs with a gorgeous 2nd husband who is 7yrs younger & an amazing father has asked me to have baby num 4. I’m feeling extraordinarily conflicted, despite both my older boys 22yrs & 15yrs being completely supportive & ready to step up to another sibling. I have a university education, including post grad masters degree. A good & secure job. I’m physically fit (running between 70-100km a week). So despite my age, on paper I’m a good candidate to have another baby, I just don’t know I want to.
Hello Amy,
I do feel for you. Only you and your husband can make this decision and there will ALWAYS be good and bad outcomes for each decision.
I’m sorry that I didn’t approve the comment when you wrote it. We have been away and it’s only today when the twins have gone back to school that I am getting a grip and working on the website.
My old Mum used to always say: ‘When in doubt, do nowt.” I try to follow that advice, even though I am quite an impulsive person. Maybe you and your husband will need to do lots more talking before you are able to make your mind up.
It sounds like a new baby would be surrounded by many loving people. It is lovely that your husband is so enthusiastic.
I love my twins very much. They are 13 now and I am 55. Many of my friends are very free as they had kids like my older boys, now 22 and 19 and they can do all sorts of things that we cannot. But we still have adventures, and my hubby has stopped working overseas so there’s heaps more freedom all round.
I feel SO SO lucky that my twins did not have autism spectrum, like their big brother does. It would have been very hard if they had, no doubt about it.
My husband and I were trying to have a third and were very much thinking if it happens, it happens and it’s meant to be…. and it did – twins! – so it must have been.
I really do wish you all the best as you make your decision… and if you do decide to try for a baby, I hope it all happens super quick and easy for you.
Yours,
Just found this post while googling “is 41 too old for a third baby?”. I’m 40.5, husband is nearly 41 and we have a 4 yo and a 1 yo. I’m yearning for a third. Never thought I’d want three but we did start too late. Living the expat life and both had big jobs. I think it’s too late for us and we’d be so stretched and stressed out. Wish we’d started sooner as we are really tired.
Hello, I do sympathise. I wish I had started younger too. I think it would make a big difference if you knew you could afford and get a lot of help round the house, I was lucky when I had the twins as my husband had a big job and we could afford a wonderful mother’s help who really saved me and made that first year a happy one. and later we had au pairs.
I do think that many women, like me, long for more children… it’s just natural especially as we get near to the menopause and the end of possibility… I have found that, since menopause, all that longing has gone… and most older women I know feel this, and there’s peace with what life has given us.
This post made me cry, I hope my beautiful daughter dont feel this way about me when she grows up, I had her at 40, she is 16months and we are trying for a 2nd I dont want her to grow up without a sibling I’m 42 now so dont like my chances.
I try and be a young fit mum, always active with her, always outside, still havnt even got around to letting her watch TV, she would much rather be outside, I wish I had her in my late 20s early 30s but unfortunately this didn’t happen. I think I’m very fortunate to have such a good baby she slept right through since 10 to 12 weeks old still does from 6.30 to 7.30pm to 7.30 to8am very bright and such a good girl, maybe she is setting me up thinking that all babys are this good and if I’m lucky enough to have another it might be a different story ?
There are no black and whites, are there? Everyone’s experience is different, as are all our hopes and dreams. I feel a very fortunate mother to have had two healthy twins aged 42 and my older boys when I was 33 and 36… but am still advising all my kids to have their children a lot younger than we did. But I wonder what their lives will turn out like… Very best wishes as you try to have another, I lost three pregnancies between 40 – 41 years and then had the twins, very lucky.
Your post has made me feel so sad. I am 45 with an 8 month old from IVF and a 4 year old who was naturally conceived when I was 40.
I read your post with such dismay – it made me feel sick to my stomach to be reading yet another negative story about parenting later in life.
I only struggle with my age because so many people have so many negative things to say about it. I just want to feel good about just being a mum, regardless of my age. I also want to try to have another child with my remaining embryos, because I want my kids to all have each other later in life.
But everything I read about being an older mum is negative. It makes me feel so anxious, hopeless and depressed. I’ve got to the point that I can’t even enjoy my children to the fullest extent anymore, because I constantly feel enormous guilt for having had them so late in life. It is a horrible, desolate feeling, and it is a waste of precious time with them.
Yes, in an ideal world we all would be having our children in our 20s and early 30s. But none of us know how it feels to have children until we’ve had them – and only then do we understand the enormity of what we’ve done, and what a huge and emotional responsibility they are, and how fiercely you want to protect them. If we did truly know these things, no one would choose to have their children later in life. I didn’t know this, and found out the hard way. I am incredibly sad about it. I stupidly turn to the internet for hope, for some positive story about parenting young children when you’re in your 40s, for positive stories about people who’s parents were in their 40s when they were born. Those stories are definitely out there, but unfortunately, there are so many negative comments and articles, I just feel that it is relentless, and it makes me feel hopeless.
Intellectually, I know my children will love me, no matter my age. I am their mother. I gave my children life, and surely that is a blessing, even if I won’t be around for them the way my parents are for me now?
Please, please, please think about this before posting yet another negative story about becoming a parent later in life. Some of us who have just become parents in our 40s are really struggling with the relentless negativity out there – I know I am not the only one.
Please someone throw me a lifeline – I want to hear something good about being an older mum. I don’t want to feel that I have already failed my children when their lives have only just begun.
Hello, you sound as if you are really struggling and I am so sorry to hear that. Having children can be so overwhelming, and exhausting too. You have two lovely children, why read articles that you find negative? As you’ll have read, I had twins at 42… and I didn’t find a lot of negatives attitudes towards it at all, and in fact wrote this article to counteract what I saw as unrealistic articles about having babies later in life.
In my mothering journey I have benefited a great deal from counselling and psychiatric and psychological support. You do sound low and I wonder whether you might have some PND and might benefit from more support yourself? If you feel very low for more than two weeks then I cannot advise strongly enough a visit to the doctor for help.
Why concentrate on the negative when there are plenty stories about the joys of late motherhood too. But you have made me think. I am 55 now and my twins are 13, I could write on the upsides of it all too and should do that.
However, I’ll still be advising my kids not to wait too long… of course, they won’t listen to a word I say.
Most people are choosing to have kids later simply because the world is a different place. People spend more time in education, more time establishing a career, more time trying to afford a home. And some people don’t meet the right person until later in life. Not everyone has the privilege of choosing when to have kids.
Also I know people whos parents had them later in life. I know 25 year olds whos parents are in their late 60s and their parents are still healthy and active and they have no issues with their parents being older.
Its subjective and everyone’s experience is different. The same negatives could be said for people who choose to have kids too young before they have enough financial stability or life experience.
Everyone is different and different things work for different people.
Some people may also choose to only have 1-2 kids, or maybe they want no kids and end up getting pregnant unexpectedly and decide to raise the child. If the kid has a loving, stable home and the parents can afford to care for the child – thats the most important thing. I get some people may feel tired as they get older, but that’s not everyone’s experience. Some people are very active and fit and healthy – and continue to stay this way for a long time. Its very individual. I think women should do whatever makes them happy & realise that motherhood doesn’t define their womanhood and its not their sole purpose in life.
Having kids in your 20s-30s is easier for most, but if you have kids after this, there’s nothing wrong with you.
That’s absolutely true, I was so very fortunate to have kids at 33, 36 and then at 42. Things are very different from our parents generations, mind you lots of babies were born to women in their 40s in the past, just not usually first babies.
Ignore this ridiculous post. I feel so sad that the negativity spread by one persons opinion will have this effect on others. What a ridiculous blog. Seriously. Enjoy, love and adore your babies you all deserve it. So many women are having families later in life and hell early 40’s is hardly OLD!!! You only fail your children if you fail to love them regardless of the circumstances.
Not sure how old your post is … it let me state for the record that I Love being a parent. I know I am so blessed to have had 5 healthy kids between the ages of 31 and 43… (currently 46 and pregnant). I do wish I was 10-20 years younger, of course, but my kids keep me young and I love them dearly and they are my biggest joy and blessing. I do not think 40’s is too old… harder? Of course… but so worth it!!!
This exactly. I am 45 and we plan to try naturally and I have frozen eggs. No guarantees but who needs these horrible articles.
I’ll turn 44 soon. I got married not too long ago to someone younger. I am the main provider. I was trying to have my first kid the natural way. I know that it may or not happened but now I’m really panicking about the idea. I am worried about all the things that you have talked about. I also think that my parents are dead, my family doesn’t live near and everyone is older now so he/she would not have a support system (not even older siblings) I worry that my kid will be 17 by the time I am 62 and I will not be making the same amount of money to be able to support it or even to send it to college. I wished I would have had my kids earlier but it just didn’t happen.Then I think about retirement too. I don’t have a house yet. I am afraid and unsettle. I think that it is best for me not to have it but I don’t seem to find peace with a yes or not decision. I wonder if I will regret not even trying it. I know this is a personal decision but any advice that you can give me will be appreciated.
Hello Susan, thanks for writing your thoughts. I really do not have any advice to give… there’s just no right or wrong answer. I know a lady who had her first child naturally at 46, after just one miscarriage. That is so amazing, her son has no developmental problems at all and all went smoothly. Other friends have tried and not managed, others have tried and had babies with special needs.
To have a baby naturally would be such a wonderful thing as an older mum, I was 42 when mine were born… but there are zero guarantees… and IVF rates are pretty low for over 40s too.
What I do know is that many people find great peace with their situation after menopause… even those whose longing to have kids was profound and powerful find that things change and acceptance comes as they age.
If only we had all been able to start earlier… but life turns out as it does. Best wishes as you think about it all, it’s not easy.
Hi Susan
I loved your post, to know I’m not alone… I had to reply to let you know your not alone. I am 45 nearly 46 and I have been on and off wanting to have a child since I was 33. My late husband who I was with for 20 years, who I lost nearly 3 years ago never wanted children and our fur babies were enough. At 33 when I discussed with him the want to have a child he said why have you changed your mind I thought we were on the same page. We had counselling it was heart breaking. I still crave to have a child and I’m with a new partner who is 7 years older than me and whilst he wants to make me happy, I know in my heart he does not want children. I am going to seek counselling in regards to this, as for all the reasons and fears you put, they are mine too. The article brought up things like retirement, hobbies, travel, relaxing after a life of working sounds wonderful. I want to make a decision I’m able to live with, not to resent… Its very difficult when life does not turn out how we thought, were my male partners bad choices for my wants and desires, I ask myself. However, I look that I am very lucky to have loved and love two wonderful men and to be loved and adored by them. I often ask if I don’t have children and have fur babies, will that be enough? Who is going to be my support network when I grow old, however I just spoke to my neighbour who when visiting her own mother said she checked in on her neighbour to see if she was ok, as her family does not care about her. I’m hoping karma is kind to me at the end of my life… All the best sweetheart, life is hard.
Seana great post, thank you for being honest about what motherhood is like in our later lives. It has helped me as I gather information and grapple with the decision to have or not to have. I think I would be totally selfish having one or two now, if I can that is, however living with that decision and heart break is something I need to come to grips with. It will be another loss to grieve I think not having my own. What will fill the hole left! Hopefully I will find a purpose 🙂
Hello Mel,
Thanks for your reply to Susan and thoughts. How wise you are to seek counselling in the aim of making a decision that can be accepted and lived with. No easy answers! I have met some people who have found that with menopause comes a very deep acceptance of not having their own children. That might be a way off for you. Best wishes with your own journey. Life is never simple, nor easy, nor black to white.
Yes totally agree. Have your children when we are supposed to. . Fertility clinics give women a lot of false hope.
I had my first born at 39, second at 41 and third at 43. I fell pregnant straight away with the first two and the third took three months. All homebirths. All easy births. All kids are healthy. Time wise I wish I was younger so that they’d have my parents around for longer. But overall, I wouldn’t be the parent I am now if I was younger. There are so many pros and cons for all ages though. Mind you, I’m 45 now and I’ve found out that I’m pregnant. I’ll be 46 when I have this baby. I’m not going to lie, it’s closer to 50 rather than 40 and it’s freaking me out but I can’t change it now. I’m grateful he/she will have three siblings that are relatively close in age. The oldest will be almost seven when this one is born. Whatever happens at least they’ll have each other. Luckily I have/had three grandparents into their 90’s. Let’s hope I’m the same.
Hello Trinity, what an uplifting story. How wonderful for you that you are so fertile, even in your forties. I was lucky too, but heard stories of heartbreak all around me. It sounds like you have great genes for longevity too, wonderful. My parents died at 71 and 78 but they were not great at looking after themselves, with my Dad that is a major understatement! My wee granny was touch and lived until she was 99, so I am doing my utmost to live well so I can around a long time for my kids.
BEST WISHES for this pregnancy and birth and for staying well. Having kids late does keep us young, we are living the lives of much younger people and I hang out with much younger people through school. Thanks for telling your story here, one of great joy amidst many that are so upsetting.
Thank you for your story. I am about to turn 35 next week and my fiancé wants to wait 5 years before trying for a family. I have been hearing my clock tick loudly for months now. This gave me confirmation that I am too old to have a baby now, let alone in 5 years. I truly feel I can now move on with my life and not fret anymore over not having a child.
Haha, it’s good to have a sense of humour. 35 seems so young! I had my first at 33 and second at 36 then the twins at 42 (ouch). Your fiance has got to be kidding!!??? This article shows how, generally, women’s fertility collapses in the late 30s… https://www.hellosydneykids.com.au/fertility-and-age-in-australian-women-the-statistics-and-the-stories/
But of course this is just average. Some people are not very fertile at 30, some have babies with no help at 46… the thing is that none of us knows where we are until we try. Anyway, no black and white, we all live life’s shades of grey.
I don’t think it’s right to pressure your kids into having children young. There’s enough pressure in society already, especially for women, to find a man and start a family, even if that’s not what you want. Pushing the message of “You have to have your kids young!” may contribute to unhappy unions because of the pressure.
My parents had me in their mid 30s. Both of them had previous serious relationships and could have settled down and had kids, but it wasn’t right. By the time they met eachother they both knew what they really wanted. They are still together. My Mum says if she’d stayed with any of her previous boyfriends they’d be divorced or very unhappily married. I’d rather have older but happy parents than younger parents in an unhappy marriage.
Your parents sound like me, I met my husband at almost 32 and then had kids at 33, 36 and the twins at 42. My experience is that there’s a big difference between having kids in the 30s and 40s. That’s my experience anyway. But I do agree, I must not pressure my kids… actually, chance would be a fine thing, they wouldn’t let me! But I do want to let them know that, seriously fertility is very varied from person to person… and I really think the 30s and 40s are different.
I’m reading this, I’m so incredibly sad, and I feel so guilty ever since my baby was born.
My husband and I have been married for 7 years and just had our first child. I brought up having children before this many times but he kept pushing it off.
Now I keep thinking about the future and the situation I put our child into and I feel terrible everyday. I was going to have my kids young and I set myself for that to happen. I got married young and everything. We were financially stable but he just didn’t want kids and he said our ages wouldn’t matter.
But they do matter. I hate him so much because I feel I can never have another child and I already put one into a less than ideal situation. I feel so bad.
Hello there, you are sounding very upset and I am wondering how old your baby is and whether you might be in need of some general support at this time? Having babies is hard work at every age, and although you say that you do not think you will be able to have another one, you never know, but you have this one now. I hope that you can feel better and really embrace parenthood and find the joy in it.
Very good points. Very true. I do hope that things do work out well for you.
Dear Ladies, I am almost 43 and my husband is almost 55, we have 2 children 12 & 8 years old, we did not plan to have one more. I am 8 weeks pregnant now, we were both in shock, because we always try to be very careful. My husband is afraid of his age for a new third baby and he suggests better to do abortion, so next week I have an appointment for vacuum aspiration, but I still thinking and worry..will I regret..it is very difficult decision, i still have 5 days..I know that my husband has right because baby will be only 5 when he will be 60..what do you think? sorry for my bad English it is not my native,thank you
Hello, I do feel for you. This is such a difficult area and only you can decide, and I am sure that there are many things to consider. I hope that you come to a conclusion that you are happy with.
Yeah. Just turned 40. Really wanted kids but never found right one. Although more success dating now early. I have basically already decided if I find the right guy In next year or two I will say I am not pregnant in a year let’s adopt. And an older child.
However I do kind of have to say this. It feels like women get blamed all the time for this. But really I think most women know they will have trouble having kiddos at 40. The real issue is the men. They think they can play Around and marry younger.
Yes, there is definitely that whole aspect.
I had three children back to back. I had my oldest at thirty five. I thought I was done at thirty eight but I got pregnant again with my fourth children at 42. Two out of three children are tube feeding children. My girl’s has feeding tubes. My six year old has a heart condition. She also was weak muscle due to her heart condition. My second child is a boy and has no serious medical issues. My youngest daughter was born with weak muscle tone. Both girls are still on the feeding tube. My oldest is eating more normal food. Every gene tests came back normal. I been tested to see if I carry the down system gene and I don’t carry that gene. I don’t know why my girl’s have these medical issues.
“You might take the whole thing a lot less seriously when you’re younger and that’ll be good for the kids”….
You can’t be serious. ?
My hubby and I were lucky enough to have an incredibly healthy pregnancy and natural birth at 37. My entire experience was dare I say easy compared to most of my friends who gave birth 10 years younger. I attribute BOTH my ease of fertility & our raising a incredibly well-rounded happy little one with an abundance of love, patience and know how PRECISELY because of how “serious” I took it ALL.
I was ready.
I was confident.
I was educated.
I took exceptional care of myself.
Bottom line- I know without a shadow of a doubt, that I would NOT have been half the mom I am TODAY had I not waited for the right time!
I think you are giving MANY 40 yr old moms the short end of stock- I’m sure you mean well with your “advice”, but I’m afraid you are unknowingly projecting your own mental and physical limitations on to others.
Theres so many 40 somethings today who would leave most 25 yrs olds in dust when it comes to energy & the emotional stability motherhood requires BECAUSE WE TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES both physical & emotionally. You’re looking at one right here. ?
All your reasons are generalizations AT BEST that simply ignore the fact that 20 somethings can AND DO have fertility issues, die young, be unhealthy, have low energy, etc.
Yes, fertility is a real concern at 40 of course, but all the rest- overall PROS vs CONS- that’s for the birds and all in your head.
Words & thoughts are POWERFUL.
Stop spreading NEGATIVE energy. ??
Good to get your perspective. You had your first child at 37, you write – well done. Are you planning to have more children?
There are no blacks and whites here, only shades of grey. I’m generally a positive person but think it’s important not to sugarcoat the harsh realities of fertility. I am 56 now and my twins are 14. I keep healthy and well and have less money and work stress now, that’s the upside of being a mum of teenagers later in life; more experience and more patience too. Also more exhaustion!! Hahaha. I feel very responsible and motivated to keep healthy and active as long as possible so that I can be present in their lives as long as possible. I’d love to be a supportive granny if and when they have their own kids.
Grace should be writing about parenting. Kiddos to her for a phenomenal and thoughtful post. I salute her.
Seana
Thanks for your honest post. I am 40 now. I had my first at 34.5 and second at 36.5. First girl was conceived thru Ivf and second child (boy) was conceived naturally. I have a healthy frozen girl embryo that I want to bring to life. There is too much risk for me but perhaps find a younger surrogate mom who can bring her to life. I was going to do that half a year ago before I turned 40 but I got cold feet and wasn’t sure if my reason to have a third was strong enough. I wish I started earlier. My reason for a third is to give my eldest one a sister. I grew up with sisters and we are all very close. My husband say it is good but not necessary. Hubby is 41 and is content with our current boy and girl. I am grateful too but wondering if i should make it happen or always wonder what if I did. If I jump through hoops and hire surrogate to bring this healthy embryo girl to life (created when I was a little under 35), by time she is born age gap between baby and son would be 4 years and between baby girl and eldest girl would be 6 years old. I am afraid to be old mom at school for youngest daughter but also thinking how nice would be to give current kids additional sibling and support to have each other later in life, Altho i know not guaranteed and not sure if a 6 year age gap between the girls is worth going through all the hurdles because my main reason to have another baby is to give my eldest one a sister and for the kids to have each other. Restless nights…
Hello, thanks for sharing your story. There are no easy answers and no guarantees. Best wishes during your restless nights and I hope that you can find peace with whatever decision you make and whatever happens after your decision is made.
As an older mother myself I can relate to this a lot and I think it’s an important, albeit not always welcomed, conversation to have. Growing up in the 80’s as girls we were told we could have it all. I had a blast during my 20’s travelling and partying – the idea of getting married and having kids horrified me. Suddenly, after a few relationships with unsuitable partners I found myself in my early 30’s – I realised if I wanted a family I was running out of time (although celebrities made having kids in your 40’s seem easy and no big deal) plus what I looked for in a partner had changed significantly. I was lucky to meet my husband at 34 and we had our first child at 36. We started trying strAight away as a close friend had gone through the trauma of IVF and losing twins at 20 weeks). After I had my son I struggled and did wish I had started my journey earlier. Due to severe pregnancy complications, ending up in ICU my husband didn’t want any more. I was upset about my son being an only child but also didn’t couldn’t justify possibly leaving him motherless. 8 years down the track at 44, despite the mini pill I discovered I was 16 weeks pregnant. My husband panicked and didn’t want to continue but I couldn’t see myself not going ahead with it. After a high risk pregnancy, and a month long stay in the hospital for both of us we are now almost 50 and have a 14 yr old and a 5 yr old. They are both great kids and we love them but if I had a choice I wished we had met and started a family younger. I still have ongoing health issues from the pregnancy and struggle with having enough energy at times although I’m also a lot more relaxed the 2nd time around. I find it a little curious some of the very defensive replies. The reality is there is much in life we can’t control and we can only make the best decision at the time with the cards we are dealt. I guess some comments are upset as they feel this article is suggesting that being older makes it harder to be a good mother whereas I see it as simply raising some of the very real issues to be aware of when making decisions regarding when to start a family. I do realise that for many it is due to circumstances and being older when they met their partner but I also know I didn’t start seriously looking for a suitable long term partner until I was early 30’s falling into the movie trap of thinking it would just happen. We encourage young people to plan their careers and work toward goals but often leave romantic relationships to chance. I’m not saying girls should be desperately searching for husband material constantly but it’s important to work out your priorities and timeline. My sister didn’t consider such things until she was 38 and is still waiting and expecting the “fairytale” ending at 44. Parenthood is daunting and expensive but rewarding and there are many paths it can take. I feel this article raises some of the very real issues in becoming an older parent just as we are aware of the potential pitfalls of having children very young. Everyone’s story and journey will be different but being informed is important. Life is messy and rarely goes to plan so we have to do the best with what we have.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment and for explaining your own experiences. I so agree with your thoughts, everyone’s story and journey is unique. I was trying to explain my own experiences as an older mum, I am 56 now and my twins are 14. A benefit of being older, and I know I am very fortunate in this, is that I can pull back on work and have a bit more free time to look after myself which really helps me to stay calm through the inevitable pushes and pulls, ups and downs of life with teenagers. Very best wishes to you and yours and thanks for such a deep and insightful addition to the discussion.
What a brilliant read. Thank you for this! I am 44, had my children when I was 17 and 21. I have a new husband of 5 years, he is 10 years older than I (has never had his own children – except for my grown kidlets), and for the last 12 months I have been yearning to go again. Hesitant to do so knowing full well that if I went again this time round would be soooo different. But that yearning has been getting a little cray cray lately, the force is strong, but I am pretty sure it’s the impending closing of THAT window that is making my clock scream “do it, do it NOW”. Would I be in such a hurry to do it again if it wasn’t for the time sensitivity? I doubt it.
My Son’s daughter was born this week, my new granddaughter and first grandchild. I think that has also had a very strong pull on my maternal instincts.
I had a very messy divorce and very messy shared parental access arrangements when the children were younger that impacted most of their childhood, and I feel like I missed out on the “real” mother experience because of it. I still have to “share” my kidlets with the stepMum who is a little younger than I am and who is their best friend and the knowledge holder of all worldly and wise advice – yes, I am bitter. It’s a process that I am working through. But still, I feel ripped off and have longed to share the parenting experience with my husband and have a happy positive experience at Motherhood.
But reading this lighthearted truth has just made me see some sense. Those rose coloured glasses have been removed. The politically correct view about Motherhood has been left at the door and some truth bombs have been laid.
How can I even contemplate having more babies, when that would mean sacrificing my afternoon nanna naps !? They are my life! What was I thinking 😉
Honestly though, being so young, healthy and energised first time around, and knowing how not so young, not so healthy, and not so energised I am now, I think would make the whole experience harder for me because it was so easy when I was young. That’s not to say if I did have babies now I wouldn’t love them any less or love being a Mum OR that I don’t appreciate that some people don’t get the blessing of being a Mum at all. But I do know that it would be a totally different experience and a lot more challenging for me – I mean there are days when I struggle to get out of bed because I slept in a slightly awkward position !
Thanks for a different perspective 🙂 I will just embrace the fact that I now get to be the coolest Nanna and I am able to hand her back to Mum and Dad when Nan is menopausal or in need of her NannaNap…. or when she has just had enough.
What a lovely message to read! I am sure that your hormones are going a bit mad as the door closes on fertility and menopause approaches. Menopause does take all those longings away, I can promise you! I bet having a new baby to hold also gets your maternal feelings zinging and singing. Why wouldn’t it… you are in a great situation and I am sure you’d be a fab mum, if exhausted… you could do it, but that doesn’t mean that, on balance, you’d chose to give it a whirl.
We never had any grandparents in the country, they were all in Scotland, and I always tell my kids that I will be a good granny and help them and they just laugh. Your kids and the grandkids will benefit so much from having the collect Nanna in town around… I do envy you a grandchild, I am 57 and a perfect age to be a granny and I adore wee babies… but my kids are 23, 21 and 14 now… there’s no hope. I will probably be in a bathchair by the time it happens.
I really appreciate your writing and only wish we could meet for a cuppa and keep chattering!
I had both my children before 20. I can tell you I was very much full of energy. Little by little I went back to school, to work, to graduate school. All while managing to make it every single sport event and dance and musical recital. We also had lots of fun- biking, hiking, skating, surfing … not to mention helping with homework, holiday and birthday party planning.. etc. No, we did not have a very secure financial situation but my kids tell me they never noticed ! I had my first two grandchildren six weeks apart when I was 40. And I’ve had tons of energy for them. Having my grandchildren didn’t give me a craving, and I was truly enjoying a sort of freedom, but looking around, women become so non-valued once they do not have children at home.. almost as if we are here wasting space!! I know it is very wrong and that I was wrong to buy into it, still, I started doing research on later pregnancies. After speaking to quite a few friends, and a doc or two, I realized I should count my blessings. No matter what age you reach it, this Is the stage where you enjoy a certain freedom and enjoy your adult children and your grandchildren. Eighteen years later I’m happy I did. I have five wonderful grandchildren and two nieces. How would I feel having, say, a 14 year old at this point?Well I must say it is much different now! The social media and such make me a little more stressed than I would have been 20+ years ago. As long as you are healthy and are able to see the big picture, go with your heart. As you can see, we’ve all done it at different ages and each has its pros and cons.
You are 100% spot on, thank you for writing your comment. There certainly are pros and cons indeed. One of my best autism mum friends had her first son at 21. I had mine at 33. We have all had many ups and downs, much joy and much disaster. That is life in all its richness.
I want to say that it is tremendously sad to see articles like this, especially written by women, and that we, as women, aren’t more supportive of each other in a society that isn’t supportive of motherhood at all.
Think about it this way:
-Had a kid at 15? you ruined your life. – at 20? Ruined your chances for college.
-At 25? Why did you go to college if you are going to be a stay at home mom and /or why did you have a kid if you are going to have strangers taking care of him.
-At 30? you have debts, why do you want a kid.
-At 35 ? Too late, eggs are old and you will have chromosomal problems, just give it up.
I don’t even want to start talking about the intense pressure and criticism mothers over 40 have to go through. From everybody. From science, (even though their studies are based in data from the late 1800s or more recently 1995 data) , to doctors, to society, to family members, to basically all of the Internet including this article. Women in their 40s everywhere deserve better. Along with teen mothers, they are the most discriminated mothers in the world, and the world is incredibly harsh when it comes to them.
People are never happy and will try to discourage you of anything and everything. If having a kid in your 40s is right for you, DO IT. Freeze your eggs when you are young or simply , like me, give nature a chance. If you are fit, healthy and have no chromosomal issues in your family and conceive naturally, your chances are really good. 95% chances of NOT having a child with an abnormality at 45, vs 99% chances when you were 25. Look it up and do the math on those grim statistics they cite everywhere if you don’t believe it.
It was the right thing for me and I don’t regret waiting. My 20s and 30s were a blast, and free of responsibilities. I’ve been happily married for over 20 years and my husband and I went everywhere and did everything, we bonded amazingly. Our 40s were the correct age for us to have a kid, we are in the best shape of our lives, healthy, have no debts, are semi retired and we are completely ready for this. My husband isn’t “so old” that he can’t play soccer with our kids. But to be fair to the author and other parents in their 40s, we also didn’t spend our 20s and our 30s running after toddlers, fighting with teens or desperately worried about money, trying to pay for someone’s college on top of a mortgage and accumulating debts.
Being child free most of our lives, means we also kept in shape, have about the same weight we had in our 20s and eat very healthy foods so we are in basically the same health we had in our 20s. So, we, as first time parents in our 40s, aren’t sick or tired physically, morally or financially. The opposite, we are mature enough to be patient and not dwell on little things like spilled milk or our future teen losing his cell or destroying our car, we already lived our lives to the fullest and travelled extensively, so there’s no rush for us to go into retirement to be free and “start enjoying life”, we already did that, and financially there’s not a single worry anymore about the future.
It’s a matter of perspective. No matter your age, motherhood will be harsh in one way or another, but it’ll also be a blessing. So, if you are a 15, 20, 25, 35 , 40 or 50 mother or expecting mother, know you are loved and supported and you are doing the right thing for you. You are a woman which means you are a warrior. You can do this. Don’t be discouraged!
Anna – your post is brilliant. I applaud you.
Yeah. I think alot of us millenials i.e in our late 30s and 40s will regret we had our kids so late. I think as long as you feel young you will argue but as you actually start to realize you are aging you will regret it. I think as humans we just always do not want to accept that life does not go on for ever but the fact is that age catches up with us all eventually. I think that ideally we should try to be done with having kids by 35. I think alot of us do not realize that we will not live to see our kids become adults and be grandparents. It does suck. My dad had me at 43. I am 38 now and yes he is still alive and alert but I think he is an exception. He only got saved as a result of heart surgery and an extreme diet change at 60. So he almost died when I was 16 which is too young to lose a parent but will happen to alot of our kids as we are having them so late. Most of us will not be that exception like my dad and we do not realize that. Many of my dad friends are dead or have diseases. Children should not have to have the burden of aging parents when they are graduating high school. I think our kids will go back to having kids young and then career . Maybe this is why shows like teen mom are so popular. Before I had my child at 34 my mother said “You can always have a career. You cannot always have kids. “This is so true. I think putting career before kids is a huge mistake of our generation. Hate me if u want :). Now I am 38 and hoping to have a kid before 40 but my hubby is of course like no big deal uf you have one in your 40s but I just do not for all the reasons in this article !!!!
Yes, I think what you say is true. My daughter, for whom I wrote this article is 14 now and I am 57. She thinks I am ANCIENT and she tells me I was far too old to have her. I hope she takes a leaf out of her own book. I would really love to be able to be really helpful to my kids if and when they have children, it was so hard bringing them up with no extended family and I’d love their parenting years to be easier. We will see. Best wishes for your own journey xxx
Thanks for the story, I’m 45 and my partner 43. We’ve just found out she is pregnant. We already have 2 boys, 7 and 5. They are full of energy and to date have exhausted us. Sure we love them, but I have been craving getting my life back. Time to exercise, spend time 1 on 1 with my wife (we never have time just for us), not be rushing around to day cares & pick ups and the freedom of the kids being more and more able to look after themselves. Life was getting much more enjoyable now that the boys are not babies or toddlers. But, my wife has a completely different point of view and seems to have forgotten the hard work. She believes it will all be fine, workable and an easy addition to our life. I’m worried it will break us, I worried about all the risks and selfishly I am sad that the easy life is now further away. I’ll be 63 when our child leaves high school. Am I a bad person for asking us to consider termination? We have only ever agreed that we would never have a 3rd child, but this has happened, and my wife now feels connected to the baby. Our difference in opinion has already created a fracture, and I’m not sure I can be happy about this birth. I’m definitely feeling massive guilt about not being happy already.
Oh what a difficult situation. I think that pregnancy hormones do a wonderful job in making women want to have their babies… not always, but it is a powerful urge. Have you thought about having some counselling together to work out your feelings and to help with acceptance? I really hope that you can come together and make peace with whatever choices you made.
Like you said, this is an opinion post, not a fact post. However, for anyone reading this looking for the positives of having children later, there are many! I had my girls in my 40s because I did not meet my amazing husband until later. Yes, I would have loved to have children in my 30s!! BUT, it wasn’t an option. SO, here are the great things about children later.
You are more mature and are more likely to be more responsible and a better parent.
Having kids in your 40s usually doesn’t happen on accident so you most likely REALLY wanted to be a mom and this is awesome.
I am more fit now than I was in my 30s and having young children will keep you younger longer! While maybe aging you in other ways 🙂
If you are secure with yourself it doesn’t matter how old other moms are. So what if you have more wrinkles, you also have way more experience and knowledge in life.
IT IS ALL GOOD!
Xx
Great to read this, yes, there are advantages too… absolutely. We have retired early – so lucky – and we can spend so much more time with our teenagers than we did when our older boys were teens. Also we have more space in our lives for self-care which is great when the teens are being challenging.
Hi,
I found this article (and comments) wonderful to read. I am a mother to three children (8,6 and 1). My children were born when I was 34,36 and 40. My husband and I are currently considering our future plans and whether we are completely done with 3 (very possible) or whether to try for number 4 (very uncertain).
I grew up in a picture perfect western family – mum, dad, girl and boy. I had lots of extended family around and great grandparents etc. On the outside our family looked great but little did others know my father is an alcoholic and my mother has mental health issues. I’m unsure which parents issues came first but both created a highly toxic homelife.
I did my best to escape my parents. I moved interstate and later overseas. I always worried that I would have children that were like my parents, or a terrible dysfunctional family if I chose to have a family of my own. This really worried me. I spent a long time questioning whether marriage and kids were for me. I enjoyed being single and free and my own homelife always burdened me. It still worries my brother. He has chosen to remain single and childfree due to our damaging homelife.
I finished university, lived and worked overseas twice (China and UK), travelled (to over 100+ countries and all 7 continents), partied, played sport, worked extra jobs, invested…pretty much jam packed my twenties and early thirties with as much as I could. I got married at 30 to a lovely guy who did his best to remind me and encourage me that we could make a better family life than the one I grew up in.
Luckily I believed him. I now have 3 wonderful children. My parents were both in their twenties when my brother and I were born. My parents struggled with parenting and life in general. This was despite having children at the optimum health stage, having many extended family close by (who did help out), a dad who had a comfortable job, a stay at home mum (until I was in my teens), stable accomodation (my parents were paying off their mortgage) etc. despite all this, mental health and alocohol dependencies ran rampant.
My mum was envious of the self centred life I enjoyed while I was in my twenties. My dad constantly told me not to get married or have children until I was at least 30.
In comparison, I live interstate with no extended family close by(not that my parents would help out even if they were close by). Today they are still unable to remain pleasant and sober for the 1week a year that we visit. My marriage is good. My finances are in good shape. My health is good. I have had flexibility to take time off work and then also worked casual since having kids (on my husbands days off). I’ve thoroughly enjoyed being a mum. It is the best thing I have ever done in my life.
My older two kids are like little besties. I love them to bits. My third has been like magic. A real bonus. I fell pregnant easily with each of them. I did however spend some time trying not to worry when I was pregnant at 40 with my third. I had the harmony test and there was definitely more concerns even though it all turned out well… but trying to get pregnant in your forties doesn’t sound like the best idea. On one hand I had a great pregnancy/birth at 40 so I could be a good candidate to go again…but on the other hand I feel like I have already pushed my luck..so 3 could be it.
For people reading, theres a few things I would say… historically women have had babies in their 40’s for thousands of years. Look into your ancestry and family trees. Pre1960’s families were big. Quite often women started having babies in their late teens/early 20’s and went into their late thirties/early 40’s. If you look prior to the industrial age (late 1800’s) you’ll also see many mums with 3-4yr age gaps due to extended breastfeeding and natural contraception. A baby at 40 was not uncommon. Having your first at 40 was though.
I also believe my generation has been encouraged to get educated and travel and forge a career. I do not remember my parents or extended family or friends families recommending becoming a parent in my 20’s. If anything, the opposite was encouraged..which in some ways is sad. I never thought I would have 3 kids or even consider a 4th child. Motherhood was deemed boring, tedious and uneventful…in my experience with my own mother it was something to regret. Even now with 3 kids I sometimes entertain ‘breeding’ comments. Australia’s fertility rate is 1.8 per woman…which is well below the 2.1 needed for natural replacement. My 3 kids do not have any cousins. My only sibling doesn’t have children and my husbands only sibling doesn’t have children. I also have cousins who only have 1 child for a multitude of reasons. It seems for many, having children and families is an afterthought, an inconvenience, undesirable or just too damn hard regardless of age.
Having kids is a minimum 20yr committment (possibly longer if your children have disabilities or acquire medical conditions in the future). It’s a huge personal sacrifice to try and do your best for such a long period… so it shouldn’t be taken lightly…but it can be extremely worthwhile.
My best advice would be to get to know yourself well beforehand. Do whats best for you. It may be the same as your friends or parents or quite different. Everyone has different circumstances. I have a close friend who had a baby in her 30’s like me and she misses her old 20’s childfree/ carefree lifestyle and really hates parenting. She stopped at one, and while she loves him dearly she believes parenting wasnt the best choice for her.
Pro’s and cons. For and against. Everyone different. You need to try and do whats best for you and your situation. Speak to others who have done what you seek. That’s whats wonderful about this post and comments…many people commenting positive and negative who have just had babies or want to have babies in their 40’s…the original poster is 14years into parenting babies born when she was 42yo. Thanks for the interesting read and keeping it real!
Thank you so much Emma, I really loved reading your thoughtful comments and showing all sides of the story. None of this is easy and our decisions need to be uniquely personal. I share an alcoholic background with you, and my parents had four kids by the time they were 29. That’s why I ended up here in beautiul Australia, but it has been really ard at time. My oldest son has ASD, he is 23 now and doing fine but will always be dependent. The twins just turned 15 a couple of weeks ago. I am so lucky that my husband has retired and we are parenting the little ones in a way we couldn’t with the older two. Would you ever like to have a chatter on the phone, we have a lot in common.
Okay everyone has there own experiences and “opinions.” But realize that this is not fact, although written as such. So much outdated ingormstion is still out there on this subject.
I travelled, had a career and married at 40. Had my healthy daughter naturally at 42. We are very happy with the timing. I was financially and emotionally ready. If you want a child after 40 you should go for it. I could write a whole post on young people having kids before they are ready to put them first.
Absolutely, and their own experiences too. I had my twins at 42 but that is the luck of the genes. Many people lose fertility much, much earlier. No blacks and whites. This article is written from my own perspective of having kids at 33, 36 and 42… and it’s based on the science of fertility. A personal essay from someone who has kids early and could write their own story, their knowledge and wisdom and what they’s advise others to do would always be welcome.
I am agreed with you. Its kind of same story of my life.
Due to settle down and beinh independent i got married at37 and had 2 miscarrages at 37,and 38.
I fall pregnant naturally at 39 and i have my healthy and happy daughter at just turning 40.
I have no one at all in this country. My Husband dont get along with us. So i cant say what future holds. But being alone here to another country and struggling hard i suffered alot. Mentally physically and emotionally too. I never had anybody next to me when i was in need or i was sick.
I am very very Happy at this movement that i have my lovely daughter wirh me. But i only have concern. With Gods grace whatever time we will be together i will be her better company. But she definatly deaerve a brother or sister. Otherwise it will be hard for her to servives i means if she want to share her happy and tuff movement their will be somone from her own family. We will feel alone completely which i dont want. I believe God has a plan for all of us. I desperately want one child just fir her. I will try next year as i am 41 now but my daughter is only 15 months and it was c section.
So i nees to keep the 18 months gape. I never had problem to get pregnant hopfully with Gods grace we will have one more family member. If it is not in Gods plan still i made my mind for it. But dont want to mean to my daughter. She need sibling. I am a Mother i have to think about all this. But i wil make sure i will guide my daughter or other kids if i will have. My what choicea went wrong and expain them nicely so they dont suffer like me in many situation.
But i am quite healthy and happy so far with my littlw one. But i belive getting pregnancy, be safe for 12 weeks, all 9 months, delivery and very first 2 years will be difficult at any age. The only difference is our energy. At young we have more energy and at 49 we have less. But still we are able to take care of our kids.
Every baby come with their own destiny. So not to too mich worried just enjoy the now movement i believe.
Noboday can be sure how much time we left from now.
Even their are people u died at very young age and their are people who live long life. Its not in our hands and everyone has different situation. So just take it easy and chose what is suitable for you.
.
I agree with you, each person has their own story. I hope that you can find community to make up for not having family here, it is really tough.
Hi, I confused how you can be too old to have baby yet you got pregnant? Nature doesn’t stop you until menopause. I think with all the modern birth control women now assume stop making babies at 35 but nature doesn’t agree. If you are actively trying not to get pregnant in your 40s that’s your choice but doesn’t mean it’s evolutionary correct. I can understand if you have a demanding career but that’s a choice beyond motherhood.
Hello Amy, there are so many individual personal stories in the comments on this article. Although I did have twins at 42, I wrote the article as a letter to my daughter suggesting that she has her children younger… it’s just a scientific fact that fertility decreases with age… so although some people still can have kids in their 40s, most do not manage if they start trying then. Lots of women seem not to know this or not to believe it. Everyone has their own story and their own experience though. Life is never black and white.
Hello! Thanks for this, it’s really interesting and helpful to me. I had fertility problems in my early 30s and had my son by IVF. I then got pregnant naturally shortly afterwards but found out the baby had Down syndrome and I had a termination. I had my daughter shortly after that. When I was 37 and my children were 4 and 2, I got pregnant by accident and really agonised about what to do. We’d always fantasised about having 3 but had decided against it as life was a bit of a tricky balance as we’re both doctors, plus we were really enjoying our 2 and now able to do lots of fun stuff together. I ended up having an early termination at home after lots of counselling. I am having feelings of regret and wondering who the child would have been. But when I read your post it reminded me of some of the factors that came into my decision: not wanting to be tired, wanting to be physically active, wanting to really enjoy the 2 I have got, wanting to ensure I stay healthy and a feeling of ‘not wanting to push my luck’ with having healthy children. I know it wasn’t meant for this purpose and some people will think I have made a big mistake (me too at times!) or have done something morally wrong. But thanks for putting this opinion out there. Obviously it’s just an opinion and people can take or leave it. Xxx
Hello Anna, good to get your thoughts and to hear of your own life experience. I can totally understand why you made the decisions you did, and am sure I would have done similar and that I wold also have had mixed feelings. I do moderate comments on this post and delete ones which are abusive. I’ve just got out of bed here in Australia and seen yours. I’m definitely not anti-abortion, far from it. Lots of people can be very judgemental but I am not one of them!! Best wishes and thanks for sharing your story and thoughtful comments.
I know this article was meant to be fun etc but after reading it I’m even more convinced that ppl should do what suits them. Imo pregnacy/young childhood period sucks and is hard at any age (& is tough on the body at any age). Fertility rates in 40s are actually changing, I feel this is due to our modern lifestyle/health. If when you have kids is wholly depicted by our body/fertility then 15 is actully our peak. Personally I feel like life without family can be quite empty and well boring (especially as we get old). Ppl worried about not being there for their kids later in life or kids not having grandparents well these things happen and quite often can’t be controlled for. I had my 1st two kids in early 20s lost a parent just before (1 month prior actually) and shortly after. My parents had me young and urged me to have kids young as well. While my hubbies mum was 40 when she had him (her 5th and 6th kids surpise twins) they’ve been there for my kids. Out of all her 6 kids her twins are her favourites and they are the closest to them and their children. Just be informed and think it through carefully (be aware of all the sucky stuff of parenthood) then go for it and don’t look bk.
Great advice, I think. Thanks for your considered comment. I should really write a companion piece about the upsides of having children in your 40s too.
I totally agree that people should and can and must do what suits them – absolutely.
I’m just hitting 40 and stilll younger than my mum when she had my little brother and my dad was almost 10 years oldercthan my mum. They were too old to be baby boomers.
Having older parents is difficult, why?
1. Health problems, here’s one of my regular childhood outings… going to the hospital to visit sick father. I actually feel calm and relaxed by hospitals as it is associated cwith fun childhood outings.
2. I had to have kids younger in order for my child to have a grandparent and they were too tired to be grandparents.
3. They retired while i was in my very early 20s By the time I had hit my 30s my role was essentially carer. I don’t feel I’ve ever had an adult relationship with parents. I skipped that step and went from child to carer.
Yes I had all the benefits of stability, wisdom and impeccable manners. I never got in trouble once at school, I was never rebellious but now I am angry at them for being out of step with every other parent. I had friends with grandparents the same age as my parents. I really needed their support in my 20s and they had checked out by then… I was on my own.
I’m not saying don’t be an old parent but be aware you are putting a burden on those kids think about how you will help them to manage your aging and death in their younger years.
Hello Cary, thanks for your persepctive. I agree with you in saying ‘I’m not saying don’t be an old parent but be aware…’ That is just what I was saying too really.
I am absolutely old enough to be my twins grandparents. I am now 57 and they are 15. When I am 70 they will be 28. I am able to take time to exercise and eat well and feel a huge duty to stay as well as I can for as long as I can, for them as much as myself. The big brothers are 21 and 24 now.
There are benefits too, my husband (who is three years younger than me) and I are semi-retired, we have heaps of time to spend with the kids and we are much less stressed than in our 40s and 30s. It’s all swings and roundabouts.
I really apreciate the fact you gave space for this side of the story, growing up I thought I was the only one who had aged parents and no one quite got how I felt about it.
It’s interesting you mention spending more time than normal with kids as that happened to me. From my perspective that was one of the biggest cons. As a teenager I loathed it and it did actually interfere with my social emotional development. I was extremely immature in many respects and needed a lot more support than my peers who’d been latch key children. I also found that because my Dad was retired he no longer had any idea about how the world of work operated, when I entered the workforce much of his advice was wrong and I had to learn how to fend for myself the hard way. It’s hard to explain it’s almost like the support I needed wasn’t there, but there was a cloying oversight. I have another relative who was a change of life baby and had a similar experience.
To my Dads horror I kinda went the other way with my child and have given him a lot more space. He’ll probably be angry at me for not being around enough :).
Oh that is so interesting. Theoretically I do believe in a bit of benign neglect. I have in mind what someone said to me about teenagers.
‘Your daughter has to learn through her mistakes that is how she will learn best. So do not get in the way of her making mistakes!’
That made a big impresssion on me.
I will bear in mind what your experiences were. I feel I do need to help them be independent… I was in my 50s when my mum died at 78… they will be much younger when I pop off I am sure. They have older brothers too though, but who knows if they will be close or even friends at all.
What if you haven’t met anyone to have kids with in your 20s or 30s? You know you want a family one day, but don’t want to do it alone and want kids to have a family and have a good partner to rely on and do it all together and share with. And when you meet someone and happen to be approaching 40 and finally have the chance at everything you’ve wanted. You even have eggs frozen prepared for this moment, so you have options. What would your advice be to those people?
Hello Kat, do what is right for you, that’s my advice. That’s my advice for everything. Everybody’s story is different. Go for it!
Hi Seana, I wish your post was around 10 years ago. I started dating my husband at 19 he was 25. We didn’t have our first baby until I was 30 so he was 36. We are expecting our second next year so I’ll be 33 and he’ll be 39. It’s my worst nightmare. Because when my second child starts school my husband will be the same age my dad was when I graduated highschool. I was so focused on trying to do the right things like get a good job, travel do all the things you might regret you didn’t do That time just flew past. And having had young parents myself it’s only in these last couple of years that I’ve noticed my parents are really ageing my nana just turned 80 and grandpa 85. Im very lucky to have them I know but I keep dwelling on the fact I didn’t have kids 10
Yeats ago. And how much more energy they all would of had 10 years ago. I’m the only child too and I’m very close to all of them. My husband and I live with all my family. So my son really has the best of all worlds. BUT everyday I wish so so so much that I should of just starting having kids in my early 20’s. All millennials have been brainwashed into thinking that you need a home, a good career and a dog before you fall pregnant because god forbid you go on centerlink. But no one ever tells you that you can start a career at 30 mentally I don’t feel any different to what i did at 20. But I feel like my 20’s were such a selfish time . If I had had kids in my early 20’s my husband would have been a dad at a normal age. And not be a dinosaur when the kids start school. I have two friends that managed to do it all “right” great Careers kids at 26 and 29 and now finished. And I can’t stop comparing it brings me so much sadness I wish I could explain it. My grandmas sister who’s 75 has a great grand child who’s 14. Things like this make me compare my family dynamics and I just get so sad that I had the opportunity to be a young mum and I didn’t do it. I get it some women can’t fall pregnant don’t find the right person etc etc. but I didn’t have those problems and I know of so many people in my position. I personally feel like I made a huge mistake. And I hope my kids have kids before 25. Because I would trade the career for the extra decade with my family in a heartbeat.
Oh, you are in a good position with family all around, I am so envious! I could never have had kids in my early 20s as I was such a mess back then and didn’t find a safe and reliable partner until I was in my 30s. I was 33 when I had my first son, and now that even seems fairly young. I guess it depends too on where you live and whether there are more younger parents or older parents. But your perspective is so interesting. No regrets allowed now though – too late! You will have two lovely kids within a secure family, and that is well worth celebrating and being very happy about.
I am 47 and had twins at 41. My first child was born when I was 29 and then I went to law school and did not get pregnant again until I had already established my legal career. My husband was 17 years my senior and he thought it was a bad idea to have another child at his age. My need to become a mother again clouded my better judgment. My husband is now very ill with a pulmonary disease that might take him from us sooner than later. It’s like being a single mother to three children, 1 is going to college this fall and 2 are starting kindergarten. This is how I see motherhood past 40:
PROS:
1. They keep you active
2. They keep you busy
3. They force you to be healthy
4. You will probably be more financially stable if you want until after 40
5. You have settled down already, you are a better and wiser parent.
6. You will forget about your achy body after you see them smile!
7. Other parents will see you as a super-hero when you tell them that you have college aged kids
CONS:
1. You will enter peri-menopause before they reach 10 yrs old
2. You will enter menopause when they are in their teens
3. You have a lot less energy than you did 20 years ago
4. You resent not having the time for the things people your age do (read, travel, hobbies, etc).
5. You worry a lot about dying and leaving them motherless
6. Your parents are too old to help
7. You may need to alter your retirement plans as you have to save for college
8. You will be facing aches and pains that come with aging and start buying Aleve at Sam’s Club
9. You will develop an ulcer from taking so many anti-inflammatories just to keep up with them, then worry that you will die from peritonitis.
10. People will ask if you are their grandmother
11. You will realize just how old you are when you attend a PTA meeting.
I love my children more than anything but if I had to do it all over again, I would start a lot younger. Life happens and modern medicine now allows us women to have a child at pretty much any age. However, the body is wise and begins to slow down after 40 however much we want to force it to keep going. There is a reason fertility declines after 38. I feel guilty everyday and think that I am not being fair to my children, they deserve a younger and more energetic mother. I then remember that due to my financial stability, they will have more opportunities than 90% of Americans and feel a little better. Will it offset my shortcomings as an older mother? Only time will tell.
I can so relate to your pros and cons. I have been asked if I am the kids’ granny so many times! Thanks for your perspective. Like you I love ine very much and know there are all those pros as well as the cons.
As someone who is 35 and wants to have kids and may well be into her 40s until I have them I will say this is a bit disheartening. I understand what you’re saying, but much of my 20s and early part of my 30s I was struggling financially and also I don’t have a partner. And I’m not the only one to think like this – many of my peers want to have babies but unfortunately the timing wasn’t right to become pregnant in our 20s…I just think you should keep this in mind as well.
Yes, I do know and many comments are along the same lines. The article is only one perspective, mine and it’s very specifically advice to my young daughter… who will not listen I am sure! I know women who decided to try to have a baby alone in their early 40s and late 30s too. Some did manage to do so and some didn’t… everyone’s story is different. I totally understand why people wait and also why they want to have babies. Lots of people don’t really have the choice. I hope you can do what is right for you.
Hi Ricky. I was in your exact position. I spent my 20s and early 30s digging myself out of poverty, putting myself through graduate school and getting my career in order. I didn’t find the right person to have a child with until I was 38. I’m now married and pregnant at 39. People love to judge women and put pressure on them. Even my in laws cast shade at me for trying to become pregnant at my apparently shocking age of 39. Now they have to eat their words. According to society, it’s never the right time for women to do what we want or need. My advice as your peer is to ignore everyone else (including the author of the above post) and do what you need to do for you. Keep putting yourself out there to find a partner and don’t let anyone tell you that you are wrong for wanting a family at any age. You have time and putting more pressure on yourself won’t make Mr. Right show up any faster than he is meant to. You are going to be OK.
Hi Seana
So I have a tough one? I am currently 42 years old, I have a 10 year old and 6 year old. I thought I was done with kids and happy to be, however I am divorced and with a younger 34 year old man that is my absolute soul mate. He wants to have a baby with me and I completely understand where he is coming from not having any himself and being so so amazing with mine, which we have full time. What do you do?
That is a tricky one! I wonder what thoughts other people would have? Follow your heart, is what I think… think long and hard and then do what feels right for you and for the family as a whole. Very best wishes as you ponder.
Amen!
Hi Seana,
I love this piece, so honest. Had a baby in my late teens and another in my 30s. No way in the world did I want one in my 40s. Even in my 30s, it was hard enough. Now I am a nana in my mid-50s and I love it. I feel young enough to really play with the kids and take them away.
I think I missed the ideal age. If I had to pick, I would recommend the very early 30s as the way to go 🙂
If you get to 40 and it has not happened, sure – keep trying if you really want one, but don’t put it off too long if you don’t need to.
Yes, you have really seen motherhood from many angles, and now you can be a young and lovely nana to the grandkids. I wonder if I will ever be a granny, it seems so remote. But will keep myself as fit and healthy as possible in the hope of it. Life is full of contradictions, isn’t it, and there’s not really a right time for anything. Thanks for your perspective.
I love your honesty- I had my kids in my mid-late 30’s and found that exhausting. Now I am 50, I am so grateful they are teens and able to take some care of themselves (and occasionally be useful!!). I adore my young nieces, but it’s unrelenting and while I know I would rise to the challenge if I had to, I am very grateful not to have to do that!! My mother used to lecture me too Seana about not waiting too late… and part of me wishes I had been in a position to be a mum earlier – but that wasn’t the case. It’s easier said than done if you don’t have a willing and able partner or the determination ans grit to go it alone. Thanks for sharing xx
I would never, ever have managed as a single mum… Paul worked away a lot so I did a lot of parenting alone, but his work paid the bills. Maybe there are messages that men need to hear about having families earlier too. It is wonderful that my teens are getting independent now. They both have jobs at weekends and Paul and I can do what we fancy so much for the time. It’s taken me a while to relax into it, to be honest. No blacks and whites in parenting, lots of greys, and I love the colour gey.
Interesting and brave post.
I had my kids at 38 and 40. I always wanted children, but it took me that long to find a father for them, and I didn’t feel I had the resources to go into motherhood alone.
I’d say to anyone – and I do say to my kids – if you have the option, have your kids sometime between about 25 and 35. This gives you a chance to find yourself and be yourself first, but means you still have energy to deal with them when they hit the teenage years. Not everyone gets this chance – I didn’t get this chance. That does’t mean you CAN’T have kids later – of course you can – just realise that it may be harder work. Not just the conceiving and bearing, but the years of parenting.
To the 40-something mums of young children telling Seana that she’s talking rubbish, they’re fine, I am happy for you. When I was 40 something with young kids, I felt the same. But in my 50s with teenagers, I’m aware of my mortality. I have injuries which make exercise harder. I get tired more easily. I don’t bounce back as fast as I used to. Sometimes the kids take a lot out of me. I hope that when you are in your mid to late 50s, you still have the energy you have now to deal with your teenagers. Best of luck.
To the nearing-40 women wondering whether to have a child / another child – it is up to you and to biology. Only you can decide whether you want to try. Sure, I think 25-35 is a better age, but that’s not an option you have, so forget about it. Your options are children in your 40s or no (more) children. Think about those two only. I chose children and I have not regretted it. Once again, best of luck.
Great messages there Bridget, I was lucky to meet Paul at 31 and then have the first two quite young, at 33 and 36. My Gran thought I was ancient though and she was shocked when I had the twins. We do live in different times. Everyone has their story. I also tell my kids, as in this article, to try to be sooner not later. My 15-year-old daughter is adamant that she is never, ever having kids. The three boys all say they would like to. I would love to be a helpful granny if they do… not interfering, as I always promise them.
Love this article Seana. As one of my pillars in navigating my way through 8 pregnancies and 7 miscarriages between the ages of 40 and 44. I hear ya! And giving birth to my gorgeous lad on the spectrum at age 41 is still the highlight of my life. Had no idea what was ahead of my then. Now I’m 62 with 21 years old, and find the navigation of my dad’s long illness and recent death an experience of being torn in all directions. Being an older single parent is also no picnic when splitting up at age 52 with a10 year old. And your support and friendship in those early bewildering years of ASD diagnosis and behaviours and marriage falling apart…. I have no words to express what an oasis of ‘someone relatable’ you were to me. I still wonder where I would have been without you in my life. I still remember that first call when you were overwhelmed by the news of being pregnant with twins. I also advise people to not wait. It’s one thing having Baby in your 40’s, it’s another thing having a teen in your 50’s! Especially with frail parents in the mix… In my 50’s I was adamant Iwould never choose a baby so late if I had my time over. Now that he’s 21 and an absolute delight, frustration and so darned amazing at navigating his life in his way – I am damn proud of him. I am damn proud of me. I acknowledge I was a more mature parent than I ever would have been coping with an autistic kid in my 20’s… They say it takes a village to raise a child. Seana, I am so darned grateful that you were in my village, and thank you for your contribution in raising my child and in how we supported each other with endless cups of tea… Would I do it again? Who cares, I no longer have a child… and I can now just enjoy the fruits of more than 21 years of the parenting roller-coaster.
Hi Michelle, thank you for your wise comments. I really must and shall write about the upsides of having babies in your 40s too. I have been meaning to for years and there are many. Will be in touch about that! And of course I am still to learn more of these benefits as all the kids grow. How lucky were both of us, to have babies in our 40s and not just to endure heartbreak. You really went through the wringer, I only had three miscarriages between 40 – 42… how terrible it must be for men and women who endure all the pain and loss and never have a baby to cuddle at the end of it… and then a 21-year-old to watch and wonder at. Seeing my older boys flap their wings and then take flight has been a joy. Imiss them though, this lockdown has been emotionally gruelling – for me, they are fine!!
First of all. You cannot tell a woman to have children. It is up to them not you. I having children in my 40s so what? even though I was planning to have children in my 20s or 30s. Many women have babies in their forties do just fine. I will have two sets of twice and done having children way before I am 50 years old.
Absolutely, you are 100% spot on. Each person makes there own decisions for their own lives. No-one can tell a woman to have children or not have children, totally agree.
I appreciate the advice that you are giving to women about your experience. Women sharing with other women is beautiful.
Also, as every single woman is on her own journey, it is important to honor those women who meet their partners later, have infertility issues, communication issues, or financial issues to name a few, altering their timelines.
As nice as it is for women to share our experiences with one another, the last thing any of us needs is more pressure or regret. No matter where we are or what we’re up against – our wants are valid and I hope we can continue to uplift each other.
Every single lady here, as well as the author, is living their best life and not necessarily a role model for anyone else. Unless we want them to be.
Thank you Rachel, you have written these thoughts so well and so clearly.
Thank you for this, I am having a low time accepting the curtain has come down for me re a third child (I am 39). I appreciate I am in a privileged position having had two children, but I have also had four miscarriages (1 at 29 and 3 after 35), my eldest son has high functioning autism, my mum and gran died when I had my second child and many friends have disappeared along the way. It has been a true best of times worst of times decade! I was pregnant at 30 and 31 with my sons, so hardly decrepit, but their energy has truly wiped me out at times and up until recently they have been my entire life because it has been required. Not a moan as I’m grateful for them and have no regrets about it, but that is a fact.
In all honesty I think women are lied to about their fertility and are encouraged to have fun in their twenties and not consider whether or not they want a family, which is fine but can come at a huge cost. Biology is sexist towards women, it just is. Men can have children into their seventies and most women struggle after forty. If society really cared about women it would encourage them at a young age to consider what really matters to them (career, family, travel whatever) and spell out that fertility is limited and what is required to raise a family – from both parents perspective. I know you can’t “know” the reality of parenthood until after you have had a child, but if I had been aware of how difficult staying pregnant and the intensity of childhood requirements I would have started trying for a child in my mid twenties instead of 29 and this could have been a different story. As you say, it’s not moaning about having a child it’s the reality of the requirements and demands of parenthood until they leave home and wanting to be around for the next generation. Women ARE lied to about that and I think it’s wrong. I wish my mum had written me a similar letter. Sorry for the essay but you opened the floodgates in a good way!
Oh Suz, thank you for sharing your story. I do feel for you. Miscarriage after miscarriage is so very wearing and all those hormones toss us around like wee boats on a stormy ocean. You are spot on when you say ‘Biology is sexist towards women, it just is.’
You are grieving for the children you will not have, very hard. You oldest son must be about 9 now, a good age. My oldest boy who has ASD is 24 now. I remember an autism mum friend saying: ‘We are the A grade parents, we didn’t want to be, but we have to be.’ All our kids teach us a lot, but my ASD son has taught me the most about how to live.
Thanks for sharing and best wishes to you.
Thanks so much. This means a lot, especially from another ASD mum. Both my boys are a gift I don’t take for granted, my eldest son has required me to see the world through a very different prism and battle for him. He’s very worth it and it’s lovely and encouraging to hear your son is doing well 🙂 The miscarriages we’re hard but early on and the clinical nature of miscarriage means you can’t argue with it which in some ways is harder and others easier because nature has decided… I think biology is mocking me right now, especially with and I know in time my feeling will mellow. I still hope for one last miracle but who knows. Thanks for your story.
Hello, I stumbled upon this article by mistake, I was looking for something else about family, how funny this came up. I read the headline and thought, what? So I read it. I had never ever wanted kids, never ever, not once…. I am very glad I didn’t have them earlier in my life as I would not have been in the right place at all. I met my partner and something happened to me, I became very broody and wanted a child with him, I had my first child at 39. For me, it is the best thing that ever happened to me. He has changed my life for the better. I get that you are writing about your personal experience but you are so very definite warning people ‘you mustn’t have babies when you are in your 40s’ etc. It’s fair to write how it was for you but to be so adamant about it I’m not sure is so good, everyone is different, everyone is different at 40, everyone has a different outlook on life. You also talk about disability which I found a little hard, my son has down syndrome, let me get this straight and stress this is NOT a problem for me, I did not have any tests, I did not want them I did not mind if my baby had down syndrome or not. He did, so what? He’s amazing and although I’m sure you don’t mean it how it came across to me in your article but it was like have a child young then it wont have a disability and you won’t have to deal with that, like it is the worse thing ever. I will say it again, everyone is different. Anyway thought you also like to know I am pregnant again at 41 as really wanted another, so did my husband and hope to give our son a brother or sister. People live alot longer these days BTW and I am fitter and healthier now than I was in my 20s. Anyway fingers crossed I have good luck, I will look after myself and hope for the best. That’s all I wanted to say
Oh what a lovely story. You are right, I must make some additions to this story about disability as I know too that a child with a disability is not at all the end of the world. Also, I didn’t think that I was gibing a definite warming at all… but I will go over it again and have a look. Yours is a wonderful story and it’s lovely that you are pregnant again. Also, you are right that people do live longer, I hope I do. Anyway, you have given me food for thought. Thank you.
However, I will mention that there are some amazing older parents. But one thing I feel is happening in our society is that young parents are constant being shamed. I’m 20, my husband just turned 21, and we’re trying for a baby. I can’t tell you how many Oreos, even in support groups, have said that “kids shouldn’t be having kids” and “you’re way too young to have a baby!”. We are completely ready. My husband makes good money, I would be a stay-at-home-mom, we both have good insurance, my husband has retirement set up, and we are mature enough to be parents. So many people shame young parents and it’s sickening.
Quite agree! You are ready to have babies and that is no-one else’s business. best wishes!
Your article doesn’t reflect what women truly do around the world- have babies at ALL ages. Travel a little bit and you’ll meet women and their mothers having babies at the same time! The babies born by older mothers were healthy as well. The truth is, we women were created to have babies young, but that doesn’t mean we need to stop. Yes, younger is better, but it that doesn’t mean it can’t happen when you’re older.
Travel and get some sense of perspective, friends. We were created for this, and YOU’VE GOT THIS.
I had my son at 49! The entire pregnancy was wonderful. I do not regret it and knew what was right for me. Having a second child really inspired me in so many areas of my life. My son is now 6 and thriving. I’m single and pay for help when I need it. I love my job and our family life. Each person must make this decision for themselves. I come from a family that doesn’t limit its self perception based on age. So this orientation to life is normal for me. I want my children to live every moment of life to the fullest.
Wow! That is fantastic, you sound such a positive and optimistic person. It is unusual to be able to have a baby at 49, though some people do. I have a friend who had a baby at 48 and another at 46. It’s not impossible and you seem to be ideal for that older mother role. Great to hear!
What a sad article. I’m so sorry you have found it so so tough but I think this needs to be put into perspective as one persons option not a common or universal experience
For any mama thinking of having another baby in their late 30’s or 40’s please don’t take this to heart or as the given
I think my entire mummy peer group is women in their 40s with very young children. They are all healthy and happy. Pregnancies were straight forward and healthy. They are now all using their life experiences, financial security and emotional maturity to bring joy and love to their little ones.
I conceived my child at 40 and he’s perfect and brings light and joy to my life in ways I would never have imagined. I’m fit and healthy in body and mind and feel fully able to provide him everything he needs from a mummy emotionally, practically and spiritually. Everyday is a wonderful adventure, of course it’s tough at times but that’s just motherhood however old you are.
How excellent that you and your friends have easily got pregnant in your 40s and are happily and doing well as mums. If only the statistics were that 100% of women can be the same. Sadly they are not and I strongly feel that young women need to know this fact of life.
PS I do not think that I am saying that I have found having twins at 40 so very tough. There have been difficult times, I hated doing the amnios very much. Maybe you read the article superficially, I wrote it as a letter to my twin daughter, she is now 15 and I am 57, advising her not to believe that delaying having babies on purpose is a great choice. I hope to help her as a granny… if she waits until she’s 40 and does manage to have a baby, I might not be such a sprightly granny.
This was an interesting article, but I believe it would be a lot easier to say don’t have kids after 40 if you already have kids. Others just haven’t had their life go according to plan and haven’t managed to meet the right person at the right time and don’t have a choice but to have kids late if they don’t want to go it alone. I am about to turn 34, I don’t have kids yet but would like to have a child in future. I love partner who I have been with for a year and a half, but he told me last year he doesn’t want kids for another 9 years. I don’t even know if I will be fertile then so I am faced with the decision of painfully maybe needing to separate or staying, both options make me feel like I’m playing Russian roulette with the idea of having children. When I read articles like this it causes me pain because I’m afraid I will be in the position where I’m trying to find someone in time to have a healthy baby or alternatively waiting till my partner is ready which may be too late for me but I know my wanting for child won’t go awa. I really don’t want to panic and reading things like this causes me to panic, but I do appreciate your insight. I do know people who had healthy babies in their 40s very easily it is possible. I might add some people also don’t realize how badly they want a child until they meet a nice partner. This is what happened to me at 33 and unfortunately the child bearing yearning hasn’t been mutual 🙁
Absolutely agree with you. People’s experiences can change and make them realise they really do want kids when they might have thought they didn’t. No hard and fast rules and no black and white in these matteres. Best wishes.
I actually came across this article because I agree with the writer and I wanted to see if I could Google search someone who agreed with my feelings. I am 36 and pregnant with my second. I feel too old but my husband desperately wanted one more. I had tried for years to get pregnant with my first at 33. Looking back I wish I would have accepted I needed IVF sooner… I’m jealous of moms in their 20’s. I think there is this trend that 30 is the new 20 and honestly, 30 is just 30. Our bodies are closing the window at this age. We need to go back to not pushing babies off after a career. Why not both at the same time or being a mom first? Being a mom is a job. Just my option and I wanted to express them.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. When I first wrote this article it was just to express my feelings and concerns and experieneces too. It hit a chord and has made a space where lots of people can share – thank you.
I can relate to being envious of people who had all of their kids in their 20s. I had mine at 29 and 35. I’m in my 40s now and I know people around my age who are still in their prime with kids close to 20 or over 20, some are already grandparents. And my youngest has barely started elementary school. It is what it is. What drives me nuts is how often I get asked by people-or told I should-if I’ll have a third “to try for a girl”, despite my age. I really think social media and celebrities having babies at an advanced age has caused people to have really false ideas about women’s biology. Most celebrities at advanced ages have the money to use fertility treatment, not to mention nannies who can help out.
I agree with you, 100%. celebs who have babies later are not living in the real world!!
Loved your article due to its honesty. I am in the same position. I have been inclined for a second child for few years but not fully convinced that I can balance 2 kids, career properly.Turned 40 years now. As my window is closing soon it puts a lot of pressure to think about having another childor not. But I could relate to all your worries as I don’t think I can manage a child with disability well. Also I fear about having a very difficult pregnancy and delivery after 40. I lost my father when I was 16 years old so it’s quite tough for me to imagine if we will be around for our second child if he was born now. Your article puts out all the pros and cons clearly which we usually think about but fear to express.Thanks. really helpful in putting my baby craving to rest.
Lovely to hear from you, thanks for sharing your story. No easy answers are there? But if your gut feeling is no, then that’s what sounds best for you.
Best wishes.
This article was a bit rough to me, not that I blame you for how you feel, just that I think you are looking at only one side of things. Allow me to explain why this bothered me…
I am 38 (will be 39 next month) I have never been married, never had kids. I was not blessed to be lucky in love and find my life partner early. I am no saint and no virgin but I never slept around either. I can count on one hand the number. I gave up by mid/late twenties told God if He wanted me married He’d have to drop him out the sky I was over it. Loyalty is not this generation’s strong suit.
I met my boyfriend 4 years ago and we’ve been together for 3 years. We are talking marriage and kids. He has a son from a previous marriage and wouldn’t mind more. I recently decided I want 1 or 2 if possible. I will probably start at 40. Did I choose to start late? No I didn’t, but if it is meant for me it will be, but if not it’s OK too.
I was 1 pound 7 ounces at birth, born in 5 months. I am a walking miracle born at a time when babies that small had a 1% survival rate and I was the smallest for years that the hospital had. I say this because my mother had me early and did everything right… I tore away from the placenta being impatient as my birth doctor told me. No one can predict the future.
If I was of weaker mind and not as stubborn this article would have told me I shouldn’t bother having children at all. That I am doing my future baby a disservice. I don’t believe that to be fair. I didn’t wait because I wanted to and I shouldn’t be told that having children now is selfish. If you want a baby have one if you don’t then don’t, but do not let anyone decide for you and OP should give a written note to that fact as well. I wish you all the best.
Very best wishes to you as you try for a baby! And thank you for your clearly stated comment and telling us the story of your own birth – fascinating.
How is it possible that this entire article and even the comments are ALL about me me me, I I I?? Astounding to read. The wrong people having kids…wow. nowhere is the child’s health and the risk you narcissists take when making these selfish decisions. It’s looney. I feel bad for these kids…
Hey kids….the science is in
Women 35 plus
Men 45 plus should not have children!!! It isn’t safe for the kid and these people are too self focused to even be considering!!
Serious mental health issues here…..
Do the math…take your mom/dad’s age now and subtract your age us 10 months…if mom was 35 plus and dad 45 plus you have narcissist parents and should probably question their judgement and anything they say!!!
I bet they are even up in arms about.cpvid and masks too….lunatics…only care about their child’s health when it’s popular too. Having a kid isn’t about YOU and your needs….grow up!!!
I found this article came across as quite privileged and insensitive, I think it might be one of those things where you’ll only find it humorous if you’re not struggling with fertility issues, social infertility or have moved on from that somehow. For a lot of women, having children in life isn’t a choice. I am 37 and I am well past the age at which I wanted to have children. I ended a toxic relationship when I was 32, I could not have had kids with someone who was abusive. Two years after that, my dad died, my mum went into aged care and then shortly after that the pandemic hit and Melbourne had lockdowns for two years. My parents were in their sixties, so I guess having kids “young” doesn’t always mean they’ll avoid having to look after you in their 20s or 30s!
Also, where are the men in this debate? You never see articles or blogs lecturing men about having kids in their 40s!
Hello Brooke, thanks for your comments and I will re-read this in light of them. I know that I am very privileged and not just in being fertile, also in that we could afford to have four kids. It is meant to be light in tone and funny at points. Time to look again and maybe make some changes and add a disclaimer or some advice that it is not an easy read for people currently experiencing fertility issues. In my conversations with people in real life, the men issue comes up a lot…. but we just cannot get away with the harsh and cruel fact that men remain fertile for much, much longer than women. Though there is also a higher chance to have children with disabilities with older fathers too, of course.
I am a mum of two and I had my first son when i was 25 then 28 years old so now at 45 I’m really enjoying finally experiencing my freedom back slowly.
I relished being a stay at home mum for many years then worked part time and have enjoyed being there for them as they’ve grown.
With my eldest son about to leave home for uni and youngest at college I’m so proud of how they’ve turned out and all that time and love invested was worth it.
I wouldn’t want to start from scratch again as I put my all into being a mum for years and feel I’m in a different phase of life now especially as a single mum though they’re dad has always been in their lives too.
I love babies and love being a mother but also am excited on living my own life now too . We’re all different and kids are a blessing but then so is life itself x
I had my only child at 45 (a few weeks away from my 46th birthday) MANY heartbreaks along the way. A miracle really…It is different having a child at home (9th grade!!) as I turned 60. I experienced very few of the negatives of having a child at this age until very recently. My energy is certainly lower than many of my son’s friends parents and I am sad for that-but it’s not unique to older parents.!I worry about my mortality-for him but again, not unique to older parents -females tend to live not their 90’s I’m hoping to be blessed. I longed so desperately for a family that missing out on traveling is not eve a thought. We did enough of that when we were young. Think about your choice-do it thoughtfully and if you are blessed embrace the most AMAZING adventure I you will ever be on IMHO
Love and echo all this!
I feel that it is none empathetic or even inhumane to ignore the common factors being medical, economical, and even a person’s health or martial status, and a person attending school may also influence a delay in having children.
I definitely believe a person’s maturity level and economic status should be highly considered.
Also, being a single parent at any age can be a big challenge. It not only effect the child but the parent as well.
I had 2 miscarriages before being successful at having my 2nd child. I had her at the age of 40. It is a challenge but a good one. God knows what we need and when to give it to us.
Eating healthy, staying active, developing a healthy relationship with my child, and maintaining a close relationship with God has helped me to keep a healthy mindset and to maintain my stamina while raising a child in my late years.
I feel as young as I think. As a man thinketh, so is he. Also, taking care of your physical and mental health weigh in this factor of feeling young.
I wish I could’ve had my 2nd child in my 20’s or 30’s, but again, God knew what he was and is doing.
Blessings to you and best regards.
People do not listen to this negative woman. You make you own decision. There is nothing with having children in your 20s, 30s, or 40s. You are telling not to having to have children in your 40’s. You are not God and Jesus. It is up to the couple and not you. I am in my early 40’s and still getting married and having children and so what. Stop being so negative. There are many women have children in their forties and do fine. At least my children will have their children in their forties. If you read bible scriptures about being married couples and parents, consume the 90 essential nutrients in CQ10 for egg quality and sperm, exercise, consume healthy diets, reduce stress, be positive, and stay in healthy and safe environment, you will increase your chances of having children. Do not get surgeries and fertility drugs because it will mess up your fertility. You need to get rest and hangout with positive people. After I have children when I am already married, I will write a book about how to get pregnant and having children in a healthy and safe way. You do not have to prove anyone anything. Anyone who is scared to have children after 35 is a coward. Good luck to you women for listening to me. Do not let age stop you for having children but just do not have children age 50.
I am sending all best wishes as you start your journey to parenthood. I am sure being healthy helps with fertility, and I hope very much that you have children very easily.
Sometimes life doesn’t pan out picture perfect and it took me until I was 34 to find the right guy. We started trying for a baby when I was 36 but I don’t ovulate every month and it took 2&1/2 years to get pregnant and then 2 weeks later had a miscarriage. Then another 2&1/2 years and then had my one and only child at 42. Sure, I wish it would have happened sooner or I was younger but I don’t regret trying. I love being a mom.
Great to read this! I am so glad that you did have your baby and that you are enjoying motherhood, yours is a really heartwarming story.
The phrase “starting late” is so sadly insensitive, although I know it is not intended as such. Articles like these might be relevant for those women who deliberately choose to be older mothers but I don’t know any of those women. I do know (and am one myself) women who have always wanted a family but haven’t met anyone to have children with…and then slowly move from being in their 20s to 30s to 40s…while the ‘right time’ to have children passes them by.
If any of those women have the courage to choose hope over the deep fear/guilt/uncertainty that can come with deciding to try for children in your 40s, I would never refer to them as starting late. Life, circumstances and our desire to love are so much more complicated than that.
That is well said, thank you. This article was written as a letter to my daughter about aiming to start earlier and not assuming that everyone can have babies late in life.
I went through nearly 20 years of fertility treatments before my baby at 38. So I hear you. This post is so insensitive.
This is your story. That’s fine. Mine is that I am healthy, wealthy and come from a long lived family and I am an amazing mum of a toddler at 42. Mindset and health go hand in hand – anyone who considers their 50s old shouldn’t really be having kids at all.
This goes out to all the “older” moms, as the child of parents who had me at 40 and my sister at 42. I never understood that my parents were “older” than my peers. I knew that my home was stable, with all my needs met, and my dad loved throwing the football around until I was too cool for it. Likewise, my mom was hilarious and a real physical comedian who I would pretend assault all the time. I loved scaring the shit out of them too, and they took us to live in Europe where we spent years trekking around visiting old ruins and castles. My father would point out to me on serene hills in France the exact location of a pivotal Napoleonic battle- the scenes of which continue to dance in my mind to this day. In Rome he spoke to me of the Papacy and it’s impossible duality of extermination and preservation, and in Spain we visited his old friends who were the last remnants of the great Russian commander and revolutionary architect, Leon Trotsky. My parents friend’s were mostly tri-lingual, and my mother in particular had close ties to Hong Kong. Wandering through the markets, squeezing her hand as we snaked our way to some hidden restaurant, I remember feeling as though she knew all the secrets of the ancient city, and it gave me such immeasurable pride. She proved magical in my adult years, too, showing me the shores of Portugal and indulging me in its rich equestrian history. As a teenager, my parents became the fill in parents for my friends, some from broken homes, others not, but it was always the same sentiment regardless “could I talk to your Dad or Mom, I need some advice?”. Hell, people would even call to speak to THEM, not me! Nobody said a damn thing about their age, in fact, when I was young, my school believed that my Father worked for the CIA-simply because of the way he carried himself. Little did I know this was merely an older man embracing his age and confidence!! My dad never let on that his imposing, 6 foot 4 frame that saw action in the mud of Vietnam was actually frail and weak because he magically entered his 40s when he had children. My mother ran her own stables for years after we were born, breeding Egyptian pure blood stallions and training them herself. I cleaned stables, took the horses out to pasture and stacked hay bails. My mother doing everything I could and more……..thank god she never understood her bones were actually dust at 50!
All this talk about energy, being tired. Welcome to life. It’s got nothing to do with having kids at 40 or 37 or 42. You make the life you want. I’m almost 40, and my parents are still kicking in their own house. Not travelers these days, they love their PC gaming. They continue to guide my friends in life, especially after the shitshow our world has become. They went through hell to have us, and I’m thankful for the way I was raised. They are my dear, true friends, and I believe this is due to their maturity. They have taught me worlds of kindness, patience and understanding. Have those kids! Life can take you at any time.
I love this comment and am so glad to see it. I am modelling myself on your parents and aiming to be active and open and a great parent for as long as is humanly possible.
Before and after… for me until 35 I was set on not having children. I didn’t like other people’s children, I was happy with my child-free life. My husband, six years younger was of the same mindset although not so against the idea of a family. One day we toyed with the idea of not trying not to have children, leave it up to the universe so to speak. That same time I became pregnant!!
My little girl is four months and my world is a million times more wonderful with her in my life. I think I always convinced myself I shouldn’t be a mum because I have a weak bond with my own mother and l didn’t want to fail. These past months I feel that this is what I was born to do and I feel like I’m smashing it as a mum! Much to my suprise! I’m 36 now I would like a big family. With age concerns it brought me to your article but I somehow feel that no matter how exhausted you are you show up for your kids. Is four too many to hope for?
Here’s hoping you can have as many as you want. What a wonderful story. I hope you also read the other one I wrote about all the great things too. Thanks for sharing your joyful story!
When my husband (54 and sterile) and myself (45 and possibly perimenopausal) were surprised with an unplanned natural first pregnancy for both of us, I turned to online information as part of my research to help with making a big decision. We have always focused on our careers instead of raising a family and never thought it was possible for us and we were okay with that. Due to many factors (age, high risk, health concerns, financial stability, retirement planning, lack of any grandparents for the child or support system, cost of living in a large metropolitan area, thinking of what is best for the child, having no idea of how to handle a first pregnancy while keeping our full time jobs which would be necessary) we made the incredibly hard decision to terminate the pregnancy. There is no happy decision in my opinion, there is no right or wrong. I think part of life is having the opportunity to make these big decisions and live with them. I have regret and relief daily and feel that I will always feel both about my decision. I found this “thread” after I made my decision and the experiences shared by everyone has helped me to move forward. Thank you so much for sharing your insights online with the world, I am hoping my input will help someone else as well.
Hello Emily, thank you for sharing your story, and what a tough story it is. Your wise words will help others I know, and I agree there are no rights and wrongs.
It’s interesting to read everyone’s posts about having children later in life. I agree and disagree with some of the comments on here. It is also nice to know there are other moms out there like me. I am a mom of 4 ( ages 12, 9, 6, and 2)I got married at 25 and my husband was 26. I’ve had 3 miscarriages. I had 3 of my kids in my 30’s and my last in my 40’s. I felt so pressured by everyone around me to have my tubes tied right after I had my last at 43. I can honestly say I regret that as well as not having kids sooner in life. But here’s the thing life doesn’t always go as planned and no one’s life is perfect. I struggle being a older mom at times. I struggle with getting older no matter what age I had my kids. But I love them sooooo much and they have blessed me in sooo many ways!!! I couldn’t imagine my life with out them. Thank you everyone for their comments!! There is definitely pro’s and con’s to having kids older but I would definitely take all the pros for sure!! Being a mom to 4 kids is the best gift god could have ever given me. It’s all in Gods hands! I’m a true believer in that!!
Shame on your for furthering one of the many stigmas women have to deal with, all in the spirit of sharing your opinions. More like the spirit of insecurity and self-righteousness. I hear women criticize older mothers, as a sub-population, every week in my healthcare job. It’s sad to hear the stigmatization of women by women. You just added fuel to that fire in the flame attempt to share wisdom and inform people (of information that has long been widely available). I question your motives, and you should too.
Preganacy is not a public decision and women need NO more shame or guilt.
I do appreciate your thoughts. Hope that you have also read the other article referred to: https://www.hellosydneykids.com.au/a-baby-at-40-reasons-having-baby-in-40s/
Great. I am accidentally pregnant at 46. Should I just jump off a bridge? This crap article made my tears and anxiety worse. And we are very young soul type people. Having a kid ten yrs ago would have felt ridiculous to me. And the person who said “ the 46 yr old was playing on knees with a 3 yr old” are you serious?!!!! I take care of my toddler nephew all the time.
Sidenote: people who met later, who have had a more youthful experience per se, still feel young for a long time.
I hope that you read the article from the top and saw the link to this article: https://www.hellosydneykids.com.au/a-baby-at-40-reasons-having-baby-in-40s/
It will certainly align more with your thoughts and life experience.
As a younger and older mother, I personally liked being older better. I had a kid at 21 and then a kid at 31 and my second kid was actually healthier, hit milestones faster, and has higher emotional maturity and independence then my now 18 year old. I have more money now, I actually have more stamina and endurance as I was constantly exhausted trying to work full time, go to college full time, and parent alone full time. My husband is more, waaaayyyyy more, mature with the second, and I have more patience and understanding on HOW to parent. I would never recommend someone have a child in their 20s, ever. You need to find yourself and be secure emotionally and financially before bringing a child into this world. My first got slighted for sure, like seriously did not get the best of me or her daddy. The second? She is far more well adjusted and happy. As for the ages? Try being the YOUNGEST mom and judged. I already look significantly younger than my age. I’m 40 and everyone thinks I’m in my 20s. Imagine having a kid at 21 and ppl thinking you are 16. Yeah, not fun. All my 18 year old’s friend’s parents look at me and my husband like we are freaks (he’s a year younger but looks like he’s in his mid 40s). All her friend’s parents are 50s-60s, btw, meaning they didn’t have kids until 35-45. All my younger kid’s friend’s parent’s are STILL older than me or right at my age, as most had their kids at 35-45 as well. It’s crazy; ppl just don’t have kids at 20 anymore–this isn’t the 80s/90s. I think older moms, like those in their 50s/60s are just out of touch with millennials and gen z. Not sure when this article was written, but it seems really dated, kinda sexist tbh, and unthoughtful to what today’s parents actually look like. Very disappointing…
Hello, I would have been a terrible parent in my 20s… some people do it really well, but I wouldn’t have. I am taking on board your criticisms of this article, but must ask what you thought of the one that is linked to right up at the top: https://www.hellosydneykids.com.au/a-baby-at-40-reasons-having-baby-in-40s/
Would be interested in your thoughts on that one. Thank you.
Hi Seana,
What a fascinating discussion you have created! I admit, I am shocked at some of the venom directed at you, as you wrote about your experience, and that’s the only perspective you have, after all. I appreciate your honesty, so thank you for writing this article to begin with. I am a 42 yr old mum, and this year I will officially have an empty nest. I have read and re-read your articles on both sides, as I too am struggling to let go of the “one more baby” notion. I had both my children young. After a bout with cancer (and being declared healthy again) I found myself accidentally pregnant. I had always wanted to be a mum, so I considered myself lucky and jumped into family life. My husband and I got married, and had our second two years later. He is 8 years older than I, and he wanted to quit after two because we were young and financially strained. I always wanted more, be he did not, until many years after a vasectomy, and by then it was probably too late to reverse it. Now, our two have flown the coop as beautiful, kind, accomplished people that we are in awe of. I am certainly more tired now than I was at 20, and so feel so grateful that I had boundless energy when they were small, and then again, when they were teens. Their friends parents (the older ones) we’re not as active in their lives, and didn’t have the energy we had during those tough teen years. I am also grateful they had energetic, young grandparents.
My heart aches for a baby, but I will likely not have another. We will have different adventures now. I have seen the difference youth makes for many families, and I have told both my kids about those differences so that they can make an informed choice about their own family plan.
Thank you again for opening up the discussion!